Raw or suicide?

[rawpriestess]

I've been having trouble staying raw, and thought some of you might be too.

I wanted to say that eating raw food is the hardest thing I've ever done. Boy, one slip up for me, and I'm right back into the cooked food world.

And it is really tough to get back on track, even though I know all the benefits, and how good it will make me feel.

I guess, I kind of feel like if I eat RAW, I really have to commit 100% or I won't do it, I know myself that well, and yet, I'm not so sure I truly want to give up all my cooked food comfort food.

And no matter what anyone says, the raw foods never make up for the cooked comfort foods, but that actually is a good thing, as the cooked comfort foods really are addictive -- to me at least.

I suppose what I want is to have it all be better and not have to struggle.

And I suppose the only way that is going to happen, is if and when I am ready.

I am actually afraid to eat raw again. Humm, that sounds odd, as I was doing so very well, with a great weight loss, and a truly wonderful feeling. People were looking up to me to give them more advice, and I was doing alot of counsiling.

So, what happened? Well, I can give a hundred excuses why I ate cooked food, none of them matter. It doesn't matter why I ate cooked food, I'm sure everyone who goes back to their substance of choice, has a really good excuse.

It's that I did, now I need to deal with it.

I was counseling a young man last week about his drug addiction, his girlfriend was present and so were his soon-to-be in-laws. They all had really great excuses as to why he started using again, I listened, then I finally said, "None of that matters. YOU are the only one who is making the choice to use or not use."

I heard those words, nothing that is happening outside of me really matters, If I really wanted to have raw food available, I would. It doesn't matter what plane I have to catch, or what deadline I have, it doesn't matter what family member is coming to stay, and is going to be eating in my home, it doesn't matter how many clients ask me out to dinner, it doesn't matter how many grandkids' birthday parties I am invited to. All of those external things don't matter.

There will always be a deadline, or a house to clean, or a busy life ahead of me, or a vacation to take, or a neighbor who invites me over for Bar-b-que, there will always be a free dinner at a fancy restaurant in the big city, there will always be an artist' reception, or a famous person who I will meet. No matter what the day of the year, there will be something, either I will have stress about something coming up, or stress about something I just finished, or stress about something that might happen, or whatever.

There will be no perfect time to start detox, there will be no perfect day to begin again. Except NOW.

NOW, is the only time there is. There really is no later, no January 1st, of next year, no first of next month, it doesn't mater, either I am commited to doing it NOW, or I'm not.

It's that simple.

And there is no eating raw for a little while or in transition, I am either eating raw or I'm not. I may think I'm in transition, as all things are a transition from one thing to another, I may even have a plan that I follow, where I eat more fruit one day than the next, or I add more greens into my food plan. But's it's all semantics, I am either eating raw food right NOW, or I'm not.

That is what I need to look at, that is what I need to focus on.

And IF I am eating raw food now, then I am helping my body to heal, and to live longer and stronger, and with more life force energy and balance, and joy.

If I am not eating raw, then I am slowly committing suicide.

I mean, that is really the bottom line here. (for me)

[Sweet lips]

Woa - now with that said - and you asked and answered your questions, very well I must say - in all of that, have you forgiven yourself? Have you let go of feelings of guilt and loss, pain and have you cried out in your wilderness.

I can understand very well as many of the veterans of this board can. I thank Sweet Goddess for starting her thread and I almost want to set one up called TAKING YOUR LIFE BACK. It is not just the food we eat, but the cause behind where we are feeling when we do violate some law that we have created in our minds.

I learned a valuable lesson last night and thank you for this thread because it is reminding me to stay the course, from Chris Archers Ladder of Interferance:

That our actions are driven by our beliefs and we believe what we have selected from our data. In the midst of a fast, and on day 15, I wanted to eat so badly, although the previous days I wasn't hungry, and I didn't want to eat well, I wanted to throw down with some non vegan food - with that said, why, where are the messages coming from, why is my self talk penetrating me in this manner and the bottom line was - "who do I think I am to try to reach this level of perfection" - where is that coming from - somewhere back in my mind of minds, I had some thoughts, and perceptions about myself in this area that did not allow me to think good of me. I don't know what caused me to think that way, all I know is that it was there, and I needed to get read of it.

As a result, I began to provide myself, right at the moment with appreciative communication - I certainly do not want to die, so what must I do to live and live well - eat well, exercise well for my body, get sunshine, etc, how can I start, by completing the journey I started on to cleanse my body and give it a rest through consuming on juice for these 30 days, to exercise my body as appropriate for me, and to get as much sunshine in as possible. Doing just those three things leads me to my daily devotions, prayer and meditation and then I stay the course - without any of those things - my self communication becomes very negative and then I start to fall apart.

Of course we are all here to support you - Please consult that thread for comfort and work as the team builds - Together Each Achieves More and you do not need to be on an island alone. You have blessed assurance.

[podol]

May be 100% raw is not your shtick. Eat 70% raw and other 30% healthy steamed or lightly cooked vegies. Just do not eat crap.
Paul Bragg was only 65% raw. Just get rif of idea, that because it is free you have to pork yourself. I have ton of free food around me. I have an executive AmEx account. So what? Stop winning.

[cactus]

I so understand what you are saying,
I can't say I never make mistakes, but I can say that when I do, I dont beat myself up anymore,
I try to show myself love by doing the things that are good for me and I have found the more I like myself, the better I treat myself and the more I eat well,
I have a wonderful husband who everyday tells me something new he likes about me and trys to build me up so that helps, but most importantly you have to like yourself, I have been in that dark tunnel where I couldn't see the light at the end of it, and I did do something stupid to myself many years back, (if you read my first post you can see I have some pretty severe health challanges)I was feeling sick all the time and I could see no point to life, I had counceling and found my way up again, I will always have the physical scars from what I did, but the mental ones have healed,
in those days I couldnt find anything to like about myself, so I ate in away that refected that, now I am different, trying to like me,and I eat in a way that refects that to, its a very hard road but with support you can do it, I have discovered that each person is different and we can learn a lot form each other, and being on this board is a good start :)

I hope you are able to work things out, and find some peace in all this.

[racheljj]

Raw Priestess

You post is very inspiring! Thanks for sharing it with us.

Rachel

[city]

Um...I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. Eating raw 100% of the time is pretty much only possible if I don't have business meetings and if I have a personal chef. I work 70 hours or more per week and I train for endurance sports. All that soaking and dehydrating is already a big time commitment for me. So, this is where I'm going to learn to do the best I can. SOME veggies' (like broccoli) nutrients become fore available after cooking. So, maybe you need to give yourself a little break, eh? I'm starting out with one raw meal per day (I've got a long way to go as I'm neither a vegetarian nor a vegan, so I've got one heck of a learning curve) and all raw snacks. Breakfast is my next meal to conquer as I usually have eggs - the cookbook I have has mouthwatering breakfasts that I can make and store. In other words, one step at a time, one meal at a time, one day at a time and savouring my food. Cut yourself some slack!

[angelandarose]

Last night I said to my sell, "Aw one pork chop won't hurt". So I ate it along with a few boild potato's with the gravey over it. I had the hardest time choking down the pork chop, I should have stopped after the first bite that didn't feel like it wanted to go down but NO I ate it all. I had heart burn and burped ALL night long.

SHEEZZ!! I really try not to be too hard with myself and I know better but I still think I can eat a cooked meal and be ok with it. I tell you that refined proccess salt and the other stuff they put in packaged gravey makes my esphogas want to just close down tight. YUCK YUCK YUCK!!!

I'm learning... each baby step teaches me something new.

Hang in there Rawpriestess, you have a lot of people rooting for you and looking up to you.

Relax and don't beat yourself up too much.

Love ya,
Angie

[sweetgoddess]

RawPriestess, amazing woman, I understand what you are saying.the same questions I form, though I rarely come up with such brilliant answers. And so thank you for sharing your thoughts and where you are at.
Its hard to admit sometimes, but you are so right about there ALWAYS being excuses, circumstances or temptations. We are always going to need comforting on some level, having this human experience.
I understand what you say also about you are ready or you are not. But I have to believe that attempting, even if time and again~MAKES you ready at some point.
Sweetlips~I loved your response also. I realized the day before yesterday I am afraid on some level of what will happen down the raw road, how will my husband fit into this etc....as in, who am I to think I could be so true( you said perfect), or spiritual or good and how will I relate to the people in my life then?
I also have to admit, there is some small part of me that sometimes gets tired of being responsible or recognizing I am the creator of my life, and wants someone else to be responsible for me ( only if they do a dam good job of course ;) )

RawPriestess~you said "I am actually afraid to eat raw again"
This is very interesting. Why?

right there with you and many hugs
Carmel

PS~Podol, a little tact goes a long way.

[misslinda]

Woa - now with that said - and you asked and answered your questions, very well I must say - in all of that, have you forgiven yourself? Have you let go of feelings of guilt and loss, pain and have you cried out in your wilderness.

SWEEETLIPS.................Your first words was exactly what i was going to type and as I kept reading---you wrote exactly what I was going to type !!!!


I use to fee like this and have an all or nothing mentality for myself. I realized in the past 4 days that I am NOT going to isolate myself and surround myself ONLY with RAW things. I would fear the external non-raw potential influences and look the other way.......I was making myself the "different" one and struggling with it.

Yesterday, I was picking up food for my sister at a local restaurant and causually waited while reading a magazine. Instantly, I noticed the food pictures and assumed they were nonraw or cooked.

IN TURN, I quickly thought to myself, why SHOULD I have to assume those are cooked foods all the time????? Why can I not look at a picture of a blueberry pie and say to myself, "Yummy, a raw blueberry pie" and move one to the next important thing in life! It's like i was creeping out to the world for the first time and seeing the sun...........so 4 days ago, I've decided to familiarize myself with the outside world and integrate it with RAW. I don't want to do what one lady said to me "When I go raw, I need to be alone and not working." Yeah, I'm tired of feeling like I need the world or people to conform or adjust to me being raw to make it easier for me.

You're so RIGHT RP, there's never a perfect time and I don't htink there's ever going to be a perfect raw fooder either. :) Great thread!!!

Man, does that mean the potluck if off??????????? ;)


luv,
ML

[jennplas]

Hi rawpriestess,

Thanks for your great post... i can so relate to what you are saying. i am that way as well. I am either 100% or not... i try really hard, but i am afraid too. I think a lot of our lives involve fear. I fyou talk to anyone, any problem they have can somehow be linked to fear of something.

I am not one who can eat 90% raw and say have a baked potato. the baked potato on the first day would be the normal portion, the next day it would be a potato and a half, then 2 potatos... and my mind always finds excuses for it until i am done. that is when my mind tells me i shouldnt have done that.

right now i am working on forgiveness. i am working on not beating myself up, and trying again. my goal is still to become raw. but i do have fears. those fears are holding me back. so i need to learn how to deal with those fears. I am one who is afraid of detox. i am afraid of it being really horrible. deep down i know it can't be as bad as going through what i go through on a daily basis. but like i said, it is the fear that takes control!

I know that a lot of people in this world can relate to compulsive overeaters, and a lot of them can't. and thats ok. people will offer you advice all the time which in their mind makes total sense, however in the mind of a person with food issues, it doesn't sound right. I find this is where tolerance and acceptance of each other comes in.

I truly believe that we all with find our path whether it is right now or a bit later. we just have to work on our fears and our inner selves. Life doesn't get any easier as the days move forward, because we all are adding to our past baggage... however we also develop tools to deal with this baggage. So if we work on our inner selves, we may develop more tools than baggage... and thats when our issues will be worked out!

sorry, i may not make much sense, as i tend to start babbling and writing down all my thoughts as i think them, and sometimes it gets confusing :)

i wish you peace in your journey though, and know that you are not alone

[Rawmommie]

Jennplas, I totally agree. I can't just have *some* healthy, steamed, cooked food b/c if I do, I start rationalizing what other cooked foods I can have that aren't so bad. Eventually I'm eating twinkies!

RP, I loved your post and I'm so glad you could put your feelings into words. It's just the decision I have been facing lately. I have chosen raw, but when the temptation comes, I have to remind myself that I can't do it halfass. I have to give all of myself in order to be free from my destructive tendencies with food.

The good news is that we do have a choice and we can be free from our addiction with raw food. It saves us from a slow SAD death inside and out.

[Cinnamon]

Just an excellent post Rawpriestess, you said so much of what most of us feel at one time or another! Thank you for sharing and putting into words thoughts that are helping me right now when I needed it!

[pfc]

When I first found this board I pm'd this link to someone b/c I wasn't sure if it was ok to post on a thread. It is something that has helped me greatly in my psychological struggle. A few months before I went raw in May I remember actually being scared to purchase a raw book because I 'knew' I wasn't committed, and I ‘knew’ it wouldn’t help. There is that little thing inside that shifts, that is different. Either we will or we won't. I know that any of you who have been going back and forth know exactly what I mean.
I also know that right now, the way I stay with it is I do not allow the thoughts. I have not always been successful with this. Right now though, and the first 6 months I ate raw it was how I did it. For example, on Saturday my boyfriend ordered breakfast at the diner and was eating part when his waffle arrived. I know how much he likes his butter to melt, so I spread it on for him. All the while the only thought I allowed in my head was that it looked like fake food. This is not to say I will always have this ease, but if I dwell on the food that I 'do not want to eat', well, then I end up eating it.

If you are interested, please check out the link below. The mp3's are free, as is the book. The man who produced them does not believe that it is fair to make money off of other people's dietary challenges. I started listening to the 2nd mp3 daily in March, I still listen at least 4 or 5 times a week. It has helped me tremendously.

http://www.wellnessnet.com/

Best to everyone. RP - I truly understand. I've sat crying several times just asking why I couldn't find that place in my mind...

[Sweet lips]

Thank You PFC for this link -Thanks ever so much!

[podol]

[QUOTE=angelandarose]Last night I said to my sell, "Aw one pork chop won't hurt". So I ate it along with a few boild potato's with the gravey over it. I had the hardest time choking down the pork chop, I should have stopped after the first bite that didn't feel like it wanted to go down but NO I ate it all. I had heart burn and burped ALL night long."

How romantic. Did you fart good as well? ;-))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))