Child of divorce

[Keeponlivin]

First of all, Hi everyone! I am so thankful to have found this forum! I have really enjoyed reading through past posts.

Now, I have been raw for about 6 months. I have a 2 year old daughter who has also been doing very well raw, she still gets raisin bran cereal in the morning and thatÂ’s about it as far as cooked goes (usually).
The problem is that she has to visit her father (an egotistical, meat eating, "not gonna let my daughter be a granola freak!" jerk.) I have even offered to supply the food for her to take with her, no dice. So when she visits with him I know she eats totally "normal". And I have been ok with that. But now that it is summer, she has to spend every other WEEK with him. I am afraid that the back and forth of foods will do a number on her insides? Or maybe keep detoxing every time she comes back to me?
Should I up her cooked foods here at home for the summer? uhg I really donÂ’t want to do that! I am also hoping that she will start to CHOOSE healthy foods over bad things while she is there. I kind of doubt that, we were at wal mart today and walked past McDonalds.. she wouldnÂ’t stop crying for it the whole time I know he takes her to McDonalds and Dairy Queen often. Damn him!

I suppose I should call her ped. about this matter?

Thank you for any input!
<3
heather

[Sharon in Colorado]

Heather - yes I think you should talk to her ped. Tell her/him that you put her on a clean diet and you'd like some kind of instructions on further good eating so you can pass it on to her father. That is probably the only way he's going to not feed her that stuff. If eating this way is making her less sick, or healing symptoms, it's definately something the ped and her dad need to be aware of. Especially if eating SAD and fast junk food aggravates symptoms, he needs to be aware of that as well.

I'm really sorry you have to go through all this. The best thing is to try to come to a reasonable agreement (maybe though a moderator or counselor) and avoid arguing, as people tend to do rash things in anger. He may give her more and more junk in spite if that's his nature. Trying to be kind and reasonable (with the ped's note) is the best course of action in this case.

All the best.

[tracyinfo]

Keeponlivin, you have a tough challenge ahead of you. You cannot force anyone to do anything in this situation. Neither your ex, nor your child. I myself would concentrate on educating (as much as you can with a 2 year old) your daughter about healthy choices. Sorry I don't have much of an answer, but that is where I would concentrate, is on your child.

Blessings.

[VeganVixen]

yes , I agree ,my half bro. was in a similar situation, really she is his daughter too ,and he has the "right" to feed her junkfood while she is with him, I agree with tracy ,you should probably try to educate her (and maybe her dad?). But of course dont create unecessary tension , which might cause backfire. Also if her diet is junkfood one week and raw food the next , that seems REALLY hard on a young child , maybe steamed brown rice , steal cut oatmeal and steamed veggies would be a good supplement to raw , IMO they arent s.a.d. foods ,it just seems like that like it is now is way too much change and could REALLY shock her system!

[RawTruth]

Hi Heather,

I am so sorry you and your daughter are in this situation. It is very familiar to me as I went through this myself (though it wasn't raw vs. SAD, it was vegan vs. SAD), and I have to disagree with several other people on this one.

First -- I don't think it's a good idea to try to use your pediatrician to try to change your ex's behavior. VV is right - he has as much a right to do what he feels best for his daughter as you do. I really really know that this is hard to accept when you feel that your daughter's health is not being attended to the way you would like it to be. However, there's so much less dissention and bad feelings when you each honor the others' rights (again -- I've been through this myself, so I do know what it's like to fight it and what it's like to submit to the inevitable -- it can be freeing). Certainly, as little tension as possible among adults is best for a child who's already split between two homes.

Secondly -- I don't think you should degrade your darling daughter's diet. I can understand your concern, but more raw foods are better, not less! It will not shock her system; her body will be happy getting as many healthy foods in it as you can manage. If our bodies can't adapt, why did we bother eating salads and crudites when we were cooked food eaters?

Sure, she may cry for McDonald's or other foods she may see in stores (one fix is to not shop at Walmart's - hee hee), but, she's not too young to be told that "we" don't eat that way. She can adapt to two different eating styles. Kids adapt to different discipline styles, different leisure activities, even different values when they go back and forth between two parents. A simple, matter-of-fact statement of: "that may be okay at daddy's, but it's not okay here" -- with no judgmental tone of voice at all -- may need to be repeated, but, kids are quick studies and don't bother asking anymore when they hear this "broken record" each time they ask.

My story - should you wish to read it:
My ex was gone from the house shortly after my son's birth, and, though I fought with practically my last breath, he was awarded full weekend custody before the baby was a year old (even though I was nursing -- but that's another whole story). I was vegan and was raising our son vegan -- the first taste he ever had of sugary stuff was his 1st birthday cake which he spit out even though it was naturally sweetened -- and he was stunned at about age 7 to watch my mother at her house prepare a chicken, removing the giblets, etc. -- he just stared and asked "what is that?" "you mean you're going to EAT it?." His first food was mashed banana sucked off my finger, followed shortly by avocado. I made all his food from fresh whole foods. His father, though he ate healthily when we were together, was not interested in doing this. And, yes, I tried and tried to get him to do it "my" way since I was convinced it was best. Still am! LOL. The more I told him what to do, the more he resisted. Of course! It really was a control thing even though I felt totally justified in trying to change him since it was about our son's health. I didn't give in easily. I gave him books, xeroxed articles, handouts from the ped. I packed food for him each time he was with his dad (which was frequently -- one good thing was that he spend lots of time with him). But, by the time he was 4 or 5, he was eating hot dogs, cokes, nachos, whatever his dad gave him. It did take him a while to get used to the taste of the SAD since he hadn't started out on it. By that time, I'd gained enough wisdom (or got too tired!) that I stopped fighting it. I figured that he had a solid start in life, that he'd still be eating healthy with me (which was the majority of the time), and, besides, I had no control over the situation anyway. My son just turned 19, he's healthy, knows how to eat for health (when he chooses to), is 6'5" (has been since 14), is trim, and has made his own food choices for a long time. My point is that he survived and has benefited from having parents who agree to gracefully and respectfully disagree.

I know this is tough on you since your daughter is so young and your "mother bear" protective instincts are in full array, but you will both survive ... and she can continue to benefit from eating raw. And the summer will eventually be over!

p.s. Have you tried making raw granola? It's sooo yummy ... and a great substitution for raisin bran :)

[VeganVixen]

now that Im thinking more about it , maybe like R.T. said raw would be better - I guess I was thinking about my diet which has ALOT of fiber (I eat tons of kale) and maybe you should try blending greens in green smoothies ?? and do a lot of easier digested stuff?

[Keeponlivin]

Thank you so much for the help everyone.
I know that I definitely cannot change his mind, I knew that before I even started.
I am just going to stick with the healthy diet and hope that she makes the right decisions when she is older. I will not be the one to give in! :)

Shew! I was really scared about talking to her ped. about this lol We live in "the Ozarks" and we should like our cow! ;)

thanks again, I guess I just needed to have my mind put at ease.
<3
heather

[RawTruth]

The future generations would be so much better off if more moms were as conscientious as you are, Heather. Being a single mom is a tough job; I hope you're being good to yourself and will use the weeks your daughter is with her dad to pamper yourself.

[Sharon in Colorado]

Heather I concur with the folk that a doc's note might be more trouble than it's worth, but I was thinking if you were dealing with health issues, it would be healthful...I mean helpful. Say you knew the cooked food is causing allergies, add, etc. Then again most GP's don't pay so much attention to a child's diet relating to certain health issues.

I think this challenge isn't just limited to divorced parents. Whenever our kids get taken out on date night with Dad, or go out with grandma or what have you, the food thing is a constant issue. Living with several different eaters puts a lot of stress on a family as well.

It really is more important that your little one sees mom and dad amiable and polite with one another as much as possible. It might even help the two of you to understand one another, and who knows, with enough respect for each other down the road, he may end up wanting to feed her better.

[Sweet lips]

Keeponliving,

I am the mother of a child who dovorced her dad, and the blended mother of a son whose dad divorced his mother, and we have a natural birth son who is a veggie child - at 17, infact he always has been.

First, work on letting go of your anger at him, by and by, it will destroy you. Secondly, I concur with RawTruth, it is not worth the agrument - make sure that you feed your child with the best food ever, feed her with kindness, not anger at her father because at one point in your life, this man was special to you and his blood is co-mingled in her body. You do not want her to grow up questioning your choices and leaving you angry.

It is not so much about food is it? Being a single mom is hard, being an angry single mom is even harder. Bless yourself for caring enough to even go this alone and learning to feed your body and your soul. Bless your daughter with kindness at her Dad and bless him for not caring enough to be angry. Our children are only lent to us for just a short while before they go into the world to live as you are - how do you want to send her?

Our daughter, from my ex-person is 29 and eats while game, however, when she gained weight, she knew how to feed her body for health, our son from my husband's ex-person is 35, eats anything moving, and he too knows how to eat for health, I say that to say, that these are two wonderful adults, both who ate as I served in our home, and although their food choices don't agree with ours, they do so enjoy their lives with us. What price are you willing to pay.

[Keeponlivin]

Thank you, but I was really only asking about my daughters health.
Her father and I have a very civil non-relationship.