i hate myself for eating!!!!

[veg-one]

Im so mad at myself. 38 years old and you would think I could finally get it together.

I pigged out last night after being 100% for the last 2 or so months.

I wont go into detail with everything I ate, but lets just say it wasnÂ’t good. For those of you thinking that it was steamed veggies and some tofu... your wrong. It was bad, really bad. I started with a pizza. I was out with friends eating and resisted all of the Italian foods that they were eating, but when I left the restaurant I don't know what happened. I was in this insane state of mind. If you have ever been a drug addict or alcoholic you know what im talking about. I found myself pulling in to a grocery store. I bought a large frozen pizza, cupcakes, bread, cheese, a bunch of chocolate and some other stuff...

I went home, pigged out and am so sick today I cant even begin to tell you. But worst of all I feel depressed. I have been raw for many months at a time and at one point for about a year.

I know some of you are going to tell me to not beat myself up, just get back on it

I've been on this rollercoaster with food my whole life, or so it seems, for as long as I can remember. I really thought I had it under control when I went raw. I stayed raw for over a year and then, and I donÂ’t even know how, fell off. After that I continued to be raw off and on for months at a time.

When I am raw I feel great, itÂ’s the only time in my life that I feel truly at peace. So why then do I continue to sabotage myself?

If any of you have any wisdom around this please, I need help!

Thanks for listening,
Veg-one

[willyb]

Change your space, change your life.
Feel the freedom in your choices, do what makes you feel alive.
We cannot control our thoughts if they are not our own.

Willybe

[Alissa]

(i moved Elke's post here as she posted in the wrong section and I think it is very similiar to veg-one's post.)

Hi everyone,
My name is Elke and I live in Belgium.Alissa send me this link and I'm glad I can meat new people!
I was trying to be raw the past year,but I always overate myself in nuts and dried fruit.Some days,I just lived on that.Result:my liver is reacting on the "overdose" of nuts and nut butters and I have gained 12 pounds.
So,I slipped back into eating cooked food,but,it's like Sara said:I eat worse than ever.I eat chocolate,candy,cookiesand bread with chocolate spread all the time until I feel sick.It's just like I can't stop overeating myself now.
I just feel terrible:I can't enjoy anything anymore!Everyday I tell myselfkay,now you had it,go raw again!But than,something happens and .....there I go again!
Even my mum says I need to go back raw;healthy raw,because even she notices the difference in my mood,energy etc.
You know,I should be motivated,because I'm working for a rawfoodcommunity here in Belgium called "Groene Dag" (green day).But,the more I help other people,the worser it gets for me!
We even had the Boutenko's coming over for two days last month and I spend two days with them,translating everything in Dutch!Great people!
I have even a recipe book coming out in November!
And now,I am doing everything wrong!
I hope you guys have some stuff to motivate me again ASAP!
Love,
Elke.

[marybd]

Ok, I don't know how much I can say in terms of actually giving you guys the answers on how to stay raw since I have only been raw now for about 7 months or so. But I just want to tell you I think its a lot about loving yourself and knowing that you donÂ’t need to sabotage yourself anymore and make yourself feel bad. Because really thatÂ’s what your doing, is making yourself wrong and bad and when you find you no longer need that you will no longer abuse yourself.
My thoughts are with you and I just want you both to know we are hear for you. There are people that care about you here and you can share what you need and hopefully you will find some strength here.
xo marybd

[monkeyboy]

Hi everyone,

If I quote"cheat" on my raw lifestyle I usually cheat with something very bland. My wife and I went for dinner on the Cape (cape cod) the other night. Yes, I travel quite a bit. I had some boiled shrimp. I didn't get, sick but I said "what the heck a few pieces of shrimp". I've been vegan for quite some time but every now and then you can eat what you wish. There's not a raw policeman outside my house here in Connecticut.

I've been reading the teaching and research of Weston A. Price lately. This guy was way before his time.

Go to westonaprice.org for more info.



Peace,

M.B.

[veg-one]

Hi monkeyboy,
I just looked at this site briefly, thanks!
It looks to me though that it is not a vegan site but focuses on whole foods and not processed foods?
I need to read more today on that, didnÂ’t have time last night.
I have done so many different diets though and raw seems like the only choice for me that allows me to get out of my food addiction while im on it. The problem is staying on it!
Ill read into that more later.
Thanks Marybd for your support.

Veg-one

[Alissa]

I could write a book about this. And probably will soon, but here goes.
IT IS NOT ABOUT THE FOOD!
There are two different views here, first let me delve into this one.
This behavior that you find yourself creating over and over again has nothing to do with food but everything to do with your mental health.
I know, ive been there, and worked with many people who have eating disorders. You are not alone. First of all you must stop beating yourself up over this and stop being in self pity (you cannot change anything when you are in self pity) itÂ’s a useless emotion. Sounds easy I know. Self pity is hard to get out of, ask for help, from your higher self, guides, etc. Choose to get out of that first. Second, you need therapy! This doesnÂ’t have to be conventional therapy, there is a ton of stuff out there. Bodywork along with process work, etc... Whatever you are drawn to, but you need to deal with the emotions that are making you hate, beat yourself down, sabotage, and stop yourself.
Nothing you eat will change this. Whatever diet you go to will not miraculously heal this. You will take it with you into raw food or any other regimen you are doing.

Ok, now hereÂ’s the plug for raw food.
I do believe even having said all that above, that raw food can help you on this path. NOW, if you are not doing any of the above work, the raw food will eventually become just another try for you to get rid of your eating issues.
But I do believe that by being raw, it clears your mind and creates a euphoric feeling, a feeling of wellness that makes you feel that you do want to take care of yourself, that you want to treat yourself the best you can. Being raw removes the cloudy brain and lifts depression so that you can start to meditate and think straight and decide how you need to handle things and deal with things more productively in your life. Looking good makes you feel good and feeling good is a step in the right direction.

So both of these things hand in hand will do wonders for your soul, spirit and wellbeing. But separately itÂ’s either just a diet, or just a mind trying to work itself out with a physical body thatÂ’s dragging it down and making it harder to work through.

Remember, we are not one-dimensional human beings! You need to work on all the parts or you'll be off balance.

There is not one way for anyone so find your own healing that feels best and your own path and in the process be kind to yourself. (The title of you post tells me you are not!)

You are a unique, talented, totally individual person; there is no one like you in the world! Think about that!!! We need you, both veg-one and elke, since we know of no one out there in the world that is you in any sense of your being.
Imagine the light you will shine when you really get in touch with your true self.
WOW! It will be amazing. What a wonderful journey and how exciting that you can start now to explore that. DonÂ’t go into this with dread, go in with excitement and wonder and the anticipation of who you will find. I bet you'll love her.

Best,
Alissa

[Kristi]

Today is a new day! Do not beat yourself up for yesterday's errors. If you do, the addiction wins. You are stronger than this. Don't cave into yesterday rather laugh at it and move on. Don't hate yourself for being human. It is very much a process! Take what you've learned from your weakness yesterday. How can you use the information to improve today and tomorrow! You owe it to yourself because you are worth so much more than you are giving yourself credit for. Be kind and forgiving to yourself!

[smasty]

Yeah, I know addiction, know it well. I've spent all my life as a compulsive overeater. I finally found my way to OA...12 steps. I love OA, but in OA you are taught that you never recover from addiction, you have to manage it by abstinence. What I see now is that raw food IS my recovery. Everything Alissa said about raw food is exactly what I'm experiencing---and you have too! Falling off the wagon is hard because you think all momentum is lost. It's a lot harder getting momentum than it is keeping momentum. But..everyday that goes by makes it harder and harder. Just remember how good raw makes you feel.

[monkeyboy]

Hi veg one,

Read your post. This Weston Price guy interests me. I liked his whole food stance. I'm totally raw. Every now and then I have some boiled shrimp or something a bit bland. As a true friend once said ,"it's what makes you happy". Don't focus so much on the food, but on what makes you feel good. If you eat cooked on Monday and raw on Tuesday that's fine with me and should be fine with you.

I feel great. My energy level is sooooooooooo high i can post this late at night eastern time.


This site rocks!!!


Peace M.B.

[veg-one]

I read more of that Weston A. Price. A lot of that makes sense to me although I could never eat animal products. The rest about the fresh whole foods make sense.

I just donÂ’t know what to do right now as I am binging everyday and cannot stop. I feel like I do need therapy. Im not sure how or where to start though.
Do I need to get control of my food first or first get control of my mind????

[suebee]

Veg-one,
I think you need to make a plan. What can you do today to allow you to slow down, to allow the healing to begin?
Can you go get a message or a bodywork session? Can you get together with friends and make some raw foods? Take little steps and begin to formulate a plan as it sounds like your overwhelmed and when youÂ’re in this state it is hard to think about what it is that will be best for you.
Sending love,
Suebee

[veg-one]

I just wanted to thank you guys so much.
I have really been thinking about things lately and reading these boards and hearing what you all have to say has been very helpful.
I have a plan that i am mapping out, looking for help from outside sources - im thinking of bodywork of some type as i think that will allow me to be more in touch with my body and not as disconnected. Im working with Alissa as well on an eating plan as i feel like right now i need guidelines for my out of control issues. She is also amazing as a therapist. IÂ’ve never talked to anyone who has been so right on about these issues and also other issues that im dealing with. She does a lot of 'process work' and deep physiological work also. Although she told me she doesnÂ’t tell people that and doesnÂ’t promote that, i think she's better then so many therapists i have gone to. She only works with people in this way if they are really open and ready to change she said.
i am truly inspired by all of you and will continue to read these boards daily for inspirations.
Thanks you all so much for your help,
Veg-one

[suebee]

Veg-one,
Ive been thinking of you and wondering how itÂ’s going?

Suebee