Uncertainty and unsettling introspection

[Autumn]

Have you ever felt you have no idea what you are doing here? I don't mean here on the board but here in the world. Sometimes when I read other's posts, or visit their sites, I feel so stupid and unaccomplished. Up until recently, I felt I had accomplished a few important things in my life. I am blown away by the experiences of others, how they ever thought to do what they are doing and how they got the courage to do it. I feel I have not yet figured out my purpose in life. There are many things I want to do, and that I am doing, but none are particularly exciting in the grand scheme of things.

I imagine some people are just put on this earth to be ordinary, to lead simple, quiet ordinary lives and to have little impact on the world around them. I'd like to think I have some impact on the people whose lives I touch, but I can't imagine in what capacity. All this introspection that has come with going further along in my raw journey is unsettling. It is probably the reason I stopped journaling. I didn't want to face the things that make me unhappy, or to have questions without answers or to feel that my life so far hasn't amounted to much. I do hope this "phase" of my journey will end quickly, because I'm afraid that if I delve too deeply, I won't like the person I find. What would I do then? Change again? I guess we are always changing but what if you don't know what you are supposed to be changing into? I deal with unhappiness quickly- I eliminate the source of unhappiness. I move on. I get rid of it.

I don't feel that I am depressed, just restless, uncertain, confused. Last month I questioned my fragmented belief in God, bought some books that were suggested to me, and never cracked the covers. I sometimes think to myself, is this all there is? Am I going to regret my life 10 or 20 years from now?

I think that's another reason why I haven't been as active on the board lately. My mind is fuzzy and I often don't know what to say. I used to have snappy comeback for everything, but not anymore. I thought raw was going to bring greater clarity, but for me it has brought fuzziness and uncertainty and more and more and more questions!

Did any of that make any sense? Anyone else feel the same?

[rawpriestess]

Autumn, first let me ask you if you are somewhere around the age of 32 to 35? You don't have to answer, but if you are, it is an astrological situaton that probably is happening in your life. This occurs in everyone's life no matter how accomplished. I remember thinking myself when I was around this age, that there must be more to life that what I was experiencing.

Now, if you aren't around this age, then there is a possiblity that you don't really know how wonderful you really are.

I will tell you how I see you.

I see you as a fun, playful being who is always there to help people, with no thought of anything coming back to you.

I also see you as a person, who is honest, and real, and says it like it is. And still manages to say it with kindness and a sweet energy that most people don't have.

You are sincere, and honorable, kind, selfless, what more could anyone ask?

And yet, you may not feel totally satisfied.

So, dear Autumn, I ask you this:
What is your passion? What would you do if you had all the money and time in the world? (you can't say traveling) what would you do if you could do anything, and know that you would not fail?

What ever the answer is-- Do it, it is YOUR passion.

When I was 42, I quit my job with the city at $20 an hour, vested retirement, 5 weeks vacation a year, and I started traveling all over the country doing art shows and psychic fairs, everyone thought I was crazy, because I had a huge house, with a huge mortgage, I had just divorced my 4th husband, who took me for all of my savings $40,000 so I had NO money whatsoever, and here I was quitting my job?

Well, I made the decision, that I would rather live in the gutter, than to live in my beautiful home, and work for ANYONE else ever again.

So, what is your passion? and When will you decide to JUST DO IT.

[VeganVixen]

Uncertainty is the ONLY certainty -it brings change and growth!

I feel like that A LOT too ,Like sometimes It feels like walking into a room and EVERYONE else is "in on the joke" but me ........Ive been feeling REALLY crappy (parden the french) about my grades ,since I missed about 3 years of high school (and even then my average was A 30 !!!!) and Im in this intense S.A.T. course ,and everyone else "gets" the math but me - so I study at night and go to the classes and try......It helps ,but it will take much moretime .....its funny , NOW I ask questions and REALLY put in effort ,and when I was in school I just blew the teachers off and could care less ,I didnt realize the wealth of help and information when I had it ......and now I see kids just not caring and I want to smack them ,then when I say I had to get my G.E.D. I get the negative "oh"-change of subject, and can feel the "she must be stupid" comments emoting from theyre minds.........now Im just rambling ,but the thing is we are never 100% settled ,who would want to be? I beleive we are ALL connected in the thread of life and NO ONE is more or less signifigant ....were just who we are ,and maybe this feeling is you wanting growth -its been that for me!

You ARENT alone!!!!

[VeganVixen]

GREAT analysis R.P.!!!!!

It feels dead-on!!!!!!

Autumn your GREAT!!!! You are a precious soul!!!!!!!!!

[Revvell]

I do hope this "phase" of my journey will end quickly, because I'm afraid that if I delve too deeply, I won't like the person I find.

How is it you assume you wont like her? What happens if you don't delve and you miss the wonder-filled loving one who might be there? What then?

Yanno, most folk, when they delve into themselves are amazed who they find. "Delving" is the ONLY way to find out who one truly is ~ what might be their life plan. I did. Started when I was 36 and has and continues coming into fruition now.

Am I going to regret my life 10 or 20 years from now?

Only if you don't delve now. 10, 20 years from now you'll be the in the same place.

I used to have snappy comeback for everything, but not anymore.

Excellent! Snappy comebacks are often things to hide behind when one isn't sure (yet might think they are).

I thought raw was going to bring greater clarity, but for me it has brought fuzziness and uncertainty and more and more and more questions!

Ohhh, but it can! IF you delve and IF you are willing to continue on! This is a GREAT time for you! As I've said many times here before "Confusion leads to clarity". Autumn, this could be a wonder-filled time for you! Delve! Delve deeply and enjoy the process!

Did any of that make any sense? Anyone else feel the same?

Felt the same. Been there, done that. It's GREAT!!!!


Revvell

[AubreyG]

Hi, Autumn.

I can very much relate to you. We all like to think that raw is a cure all, and in some respects it is. However, we all go through times when nothing can really help us except for some old fashioned meditation and some sunshine!

About a year ago, I completely and totally hit rock bottom. I was in a BAD car accident that was in no way my fault. The insurance didn't want to fix my car. My health was declining, and I became temporarily paralyzed. I was diagnosed first with Traumatic onset Fibromyalgia Syndrome. Then with Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome (CFIDS). Then with Basiliar Artery Ischemia which caused Bickerstaff's Syndrome. I was a TOTAL mess. I couldn't do my yoga, my friends were abandoning me calling me a hypochondriac and bipolar, my family lives states away, and I was so totally alone. My employer was urging me to quit and go on disability. I am 25 years old.

I had no clue what to do, and would cry all the time. I felt worthless. I am a type-A personality, full of energy and life, and full of dreams and ambitions, none of which seemed like they could be or would be accomplishable anymore. I was in a dark place. One day, though, I happened to remember that in life, the Universe never gives us more than we can handle. That anything is possible, and that in my pain and sorrow, I had forgotten the one thing that could save me. Nothing is forever, and I came to remember that a most beautiful hundred petal lotus grows out of the muddiest and dirtiest of waters. I visualized my self as a lotus, reaching beyond the muck and towards the sun, opening up and blossoming in to my potential once again.

Life is full of sticky stuff. I started breathing into it. I started fuelling my body with good raw food. I decided to turn all my pain into fertilizer for my future. You always have a choice, even if it seems as though you do not. Meditate on it, visualize and feel warmth, prosperity, and ease in your life. Believe that the Universe and Inner wisdom are your strongest guides, and when you take the time to listen to their subtle whisper, you will find that they will never lead you astray. Wherever you are right now is perfect for you...don't give it negativity, but give it positivity and allow it to grow. Reflect on what and who you are and why you are where you are right now, and then, slowly start reaching and stretching yourself towards the sun, in the direction that you want to be. No life is without purpose or reason. Only you have the power to make yourself happy and to find happiness within yourself. If you can do that, Sister, believe me: everything else will just fall into place.

Stand confident and strong in your own truth. Its what makes you shine. And just by being you, and even by eating raw, you are changing the world, one person at a time, starting with yourself.

Big Hug!
Aubrey

[siempresam]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I'm only 27 and I feel like I shouldn't have to wait until I'm retired at 55 or 65 to enjoy life and make the most of it.

I feel like I have accomplished a lot of things so far, and I suppose that if I were to die today I would be pretty satisfied and have only a few regrets. But I think that some accomplishments are overrated - lots of money, big house, great car, killer job. What I truly want to accomplish is happiness, contentment, and peace of mind.

Of course, there is the practical side of life - pay bills, clean house, cook (or uncook!), etc. But I think that is where you have to find the balance (I am saying "you" in the general sense, which includes me) - being practical, but still coming to a place where you can be your authentic self.

I think the raw food experience (among other experiences - spiritual, physical, etc.) is a wake up call to many people. I am still not 100% (but I will be!!!), but I imagine that after people have been raw for a while and see the benefits it gives them they probably start thinking - if food has such a dramatic affect on my life, then what else can I do to improve my life and lifestyle?

Of course, I already have a pretty good idea of what major changes I want to make, but the problem is that the practical is taking first place right now. I, too, am struggling with how to find the balance and to make this life more meaningful... Hopefully it won't take me years to get there.

[sachis2112]

I'm 29 and have just come through a lost phase. I was feeling, like VV said, everyone was in on a joke but me. I'm still riding the tail end of this thing.

I've had a deep sense of uncertainty for nearly 3 years now. Not all the time... like 2 or 3 months out of the year or maybe even twice a year. My mistake was assuming that this uncertainty stemmed from a traumatic event 3 years ago. I didn't understand that it had nothing to do with it other than it sped up the time frame in which my psycology was going to deal with it. So instead of 35ish, I was 26.

I have become EXTREMELY introspective in the last two months (since going raw) and it has truly been beneficial. I have learned that the answers really are within me and within my power. I didn't have to change who I was to climb out of this muck. All I did was change a couple of bad habits. I'm quieter than I once was and certainly that's made me more pleasant to be around. I imagine my yammering on all the time gets on ones nerves.

To keep from looking within is a greater evil called evasion. If you evade facts, you can never move forward. To evade is to deny that reality and the laws of nature exist.

Don't be afraid of yourself. You are not some horrible monster with which you must battle. You are a bright, young woman making her mark in the world. Despite anything negative that you may find, honestly, how evil could it possibly be when you are striving for nothing but good?

[Autumn]

Sweet friends, I really, really, really appreciate all the kind words and sharing your own thoughts and uncertainties. I can't believe how nice you all see me. Isn't it amazing when one doesn't see herself the same way? However, I don't feel so odd now. I am constantly overwhelmed by the very thoughtful and thought-filled replies on this board! I have been off the board for the past few days, busy here doing this and that, but thinking too, thinking a lot. Hubby asked if my throat hurt because he is not used to me being so quiet. I kicked him in the butt.

RP-I will be 38 next week. The problem is, I am not passionate about anything. There are many, many things I enjoy. The list changes frequently, and I am very easily bored, so something I might be very into one week will be abandoned the following week. (Maybe because I'm a Gemini? )

If I had all the money and time in the world, I have no clue what I would do. I've thought about this long and hard. The only thing I have consistently enjoyed my whole life is reading and writing. I already do that for a living.
I, too quit a good job with a university to open my own business. I then left my family, friends, ex-husband, home and business to move 1100 miles away with a man who I set eyes on for the first time on the very day I moved, and re-opened my business here. I thought that took a lot of courage. But now I'm so...... I dunno... underwhelmed with my own life!

My thoughts are jumbled and I've had more difficulty writing even simple letters since I went raw. (Sometimes I feel stoned!) I am thinking a million different things at one time. Perhaps I am a genius and raw has unlocked something in my brain that only needs to sort itself out for a while. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!! Woo-hoo!

Anyway, I will take heart in that everyone seems to think it is a good thing that will lead to growth. It also hit home the posts that mentioned that if I don't delve, or if I try to evade my own truth, then I will stagnate. I love to learn, to read; I am an information whore. I just have to apply that same enthusiasm to myself and welcome what I am learning about myself each day.

Thanks again all. I will write more about this later.
Autumn ;)

[rawpriestess]

Dearest Autumn,

Yes, 38 -- a good time in life, when one starts to wonder "Is this all there is?" and NO, this is NOT all there is.

I left my hubby of 12 years, left the castle it took us the 12 years to build, nail by nail, board by board, and the island it was on, my Belly Dancing career, my friends, my dance troupe, my home, my 9 businesses and my entire life, just because I felt "restless", there was a little more to it, but that was it. I was 36.

SO, know that this too shall pass, and that you are on the right track, and we all love you, and you are beautiful and blessed and wonderful.

Maybe raw has brought out your genius, I think it's more likely than not.

Honestly have you had your IQ checked recently. I was totally surprised at mine, and NO--it is not a double digit. LOL it has 3 numbers.

Since I went raw, it's higher than my blood pressure, now THAT'S funny. LOL