Wow, I can really relate to your post. My highest weight was 271, and I'm sitting around 208 now; however this spring I managed to get myself down to 186 (and had promised myself then that I would never see the 200's again) and well here we are. I've been sitting around 205-211 for the last few months, 205 when I am really "good" and 211 when unraw things tempt me. I totally relate to the whole 200 thing, as I seem to have some fear around passing it again. For me, I need to look at what being under "200" means, it means I'm technically not obese anymore, but just "overweight". It means my final goal is close to within reach, and then what? What happens next for me after I am not striving to lose X number of pounds as food and weight seem to consume a lot of my current thinking. When I am at goal I won't be able to blame "FAT" anymore for my problems but need to take accountabilty for the life I create for myself. It's a new and sometimes scary place to be.
A suggestion I have for both of us might be ... what happended if we didn't weigh ourselves but stayed raw (certainly we would lose weight) but not be confronted with that 200 number on the scale and the fear associated with it. Maybe if in two months, we got on the scale and it said 186 - the scary number has been bypassed? Something to think on anyways.
My self-sabotage has nothing to do with food, smoking, drinking etc. I've learned that my problem with self-sabotage happens when external pressures (almost exclusively 'people') are exerted on me in a way in which it puts me at a clear disadvantage, and works on my emotions. Some people have a way of imposing their own self-centered expectations, and then those of us who want to do things the right way, expeditiously, and so that everyone wins, are 'played with' emotionally. That's my biggest reason to self-sabotage.
Of course, it never solves the problem.....
As a child, I used to be very hurt whenever anyone was even slightly disappointed in me....teacher, parent, coach....so I set very high goals for myself (I guess hoping that the goals were higher than anyone else would set for me, so how could they be disappointed ?) In the past few years, and I'm still learning, I've made myself realize that these people are 'lacking' much themselves, so they make up for their insecurity, insufficiency, and ineptness by putting the pressure on others. I quit a very good job because of the constant 'chaos' that my boss and his wife were creating (while at the same time 'adoring' me ...wow, that one keeps you guessing !!)
Anyway, I guess we all have our own reasons for self-sabotage and our own ways of 'commiting it'....none of which solve anything.
I was talking with my friend the other day about this, she isn't raw, but she is a behavioral counselor, different than me, but close enough.
anyway, she was talking about allowing the new "me" to be established as my identity, to allow myself to really feel who I am right now.
I don't think I want to eat cooked to stay here, but I am allowing myself to "feel" who I am and my new size, and to allow being the me that I am right now.
I went to a friend's house today, and his wife is beatifully thin and petite, and he hugged me, and said, there's nothing to hug anymore. LOL
he was right, I am really so much smaller especially around my waist that I was before.
His wife got her arms all the way around me, and she used to only be able to get them around my shoulders, LOL
it is so strange, I do look so much different, and yet I feel like me, when I sit in chairs, I am really surprised, as I used to have to find chairs without arms, because they didn't fit my behind, now I can sit in any chair, and I don't even touch the sides anymore, now THAT is an accomplishment. LOL
what a difference, I'll get some pics tomorrow and let you all see the new me.
in fact, we could use some good pics of all of us, we need to know who we are talking to here.
Thank you for sharing this....I myself have found myself sabotoging myself too. I see the weight come off....and I actually think that my face looks ugly because of it. I guess I think that it doesn't look the way that I always thought it should look if I lost the weight. I know for a fact that if I was not ill, and if cooked food did not hurt me like it did, I would stay cooked, because there are so many reasons to stay fat.
You mentioned not returning a call or a message to a new friend because it felt uncomfortable....I have so done that. I have found I like to keep others at a distance....I am trying to figure out why....but I know for now that is what I am comfortable with....so that is what is going to do for now.
I waffle between 170-181. I get to 170, then I do somthing silly and get back to 180. Then I get upset because I have put 10 lbs on so them I loose it, and gain it. I can't seem to get past 170. I know I am staying there for a reason....
Thanks for sharing you heart! It was comforting to read about it, because I struggle with the same stuff.
I wish you luck and love!
I have had those problems as well. A week before I get my period the cooked food monster comes out and starts talking to me, and buy the time the period comes I have already or do succumb to him. Nasty little cooked food monster!
Originally Posted By romanticsnet
Problem is, that I am always hitting these weird stumbling blocks and cravings 2 weeks before my period. I am like a CRAVING INSATIABLE lunatic!
Originally Posted by Nenyath
Exactly, it has been a routine already, but not perfect and sometimes spoiled. ;) Well, I should stop talking about it and start doing it, right?
Thats the best thing to do in most cases!
Fly forever free..
"It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look." ~Henry D. Thoreau
Photography is my way of painting the atmosphere around me, opening my eyes to the splendour of the world.. Glimpses of my effort can be seen here: