Self Sabotage!!!

[rawpriestess]

Well, it is 1:30 am, and I just went up to the kitchen to get a snack, I found a piece of bread, that was left over from yesterday, I took it out of the refridgerator, and before I could take a bite I tossed it to my dog. YES!!!


then I took some soaked and dehydrated almonds and a brownie, and some herbal tea, and went back down and enjoyed those instead.

YES!!!!!!!!

I feel very powerful, for tossing that piece of bread to my dog.

it is amazing how one little gesture like that can make you feel about yourself.

Just imagine how I'm going to feel tomorrow when I go out with my friend and I make the choice to eat that great fruit plate, instead of my cooked food addiction of pasta, which is my demon of choice these days

I am so happy that I made that great choice tonight, I feel so empowered and so centered, and alot of the reason I could do this, was because, I KNEW I would come here and post what I ate.

So, thank you for loving me no matter what my choices are, and have been.

and I thank you for your unwavering support, as I make this raw journey, may we all support each other totally in all situations.

[lily]

I have just read this amazing thread -- it's early morning in the UK.

I just wanted to say that this describes so well what I have been battling with and didn't understand.

Eating 100% raw goes really well for several days, then, blow me down, I see my husband's loaf of wholemeal bread out in the kitchen and before I know what I'm doing, before I go to bead I start making myself TOAST!

I don't really want it, I don't need it -- but I just seem to do it. Then I eat other things, and the raw slips a bit for some days. Then I get back into it, and the same thing repeats.

Maybe being 100% raw is so scary for me in terms of human relationships, eating out etc that I just have to sabotage it.

Anyway, love to you all, and to RP for raising this -- it's very illuminating and helpful.

lily

[Raine]

My test for self-sabotage will occur in about 10 days. The last big motorcycle event of the year takes place in Galveston -- 300k bikers. These events are like fairs and the food to match. I must be in attendance because of the nature of my work.

But I can absolutely say that I feel sick at the thought of deep fried, battered, sugar coated anything. Luckily I will be there a couple days before the event begins so I can at least scope out "healthy" places.

What's amusing to me is that I am having so much fun (loving the health / health / spiritual results) on this juice fast that I am seriously thinking of extending it from my original goal of 30 days to 40 days. But either way - I've managed 20 days and 27 pounds gone!

[rawpriestess]

It is 10am, and I am getting ready to go to lunch with my friend, my plan is to get the breakfast fruit plate which is divine, I won't even look at the menu, I know the restaurant, so it shouldn't be a challenge.

I will also get herbal tea, and ice water, so I can allow the water to cool to warm then add the tea, this way I will have something warm to drink with my cold fruit, why they have to keep it so cold, I don't know LOL

I like my fruit at room temperature, but they do have a marvelous fruit plate, last two times it was

red grapes, banana, kiwi, strawberries, honeydew melon, cantaloup, pineapple, apple,and I think there may have been some other fresh berries, I live in the Pacific Northwest, so we usually have some kind of berries in season, alas, now they are no longer, so they may import them, or maybe they won't have them.

But I am looking forward to meeting my new friend, and having an exceptionally marvelous raw meal and enjoying myself, and who knows, something may come of this? We shall allow all things to move forward a the perfect pace.

Thanks for all your words,

and Raine, congratulations on the 27 pounds, that must feel GREAT!!.

All of you must feel great, you are all doing so well, just remember this is all a process of progress, each step is a step in the right direction, even if we step backwards, it makes such a beautiful dance that way, forward, back forward sidways, back, it's all good, we are becoming who we truly are inside, we are just finding ourselves.

[ElainaThiemann]

I don't know if this is helpful or not, but one reason I self-sabotage is because when I reach a goal, I fear that I will find I was capable of doing it at any time. That means that years of not being where I wanted to be were wasted. I am trying to move beyond this kind of thinking. I am starting to realize that where I am is where I am supposed to be. If and when I reach my eating or weight goals, it will be the right time.

I was thinking about this the other day. Back in May, I was raw for almost a month. The rest of the summer, I rebounded and stopped exercising and ballooned to my highest weight again. This fall, I started working for a natural doctor who teaches raw food classes. The other day, I was thinking about being unhappy with my eating habits (I had a burger and cake the night before) and where I am going in life. I've really been mourning the unlimited opportunities of my youth when I had the whole story of my life left to write. I've always felt that I have a big job that I am supposed to do during this life. When I look at where I am, it gets scary because I can't see what that big job is. I know that working for this doctor is a step on the right path. I also know that whatever I am supposed to do is linked to my health. Therefore, when I see myself at my current weight (which is my highest ever) it makes me question my progress. I am always so critical of myself at every step and focused on what I am doing wrong. That is why my weight yo-yos. I am either very focused on losing or I get sick of the work and gain.

Then I remembered something a friend told me. She asked me if the perfect opportunity landed in my lap (work, life mission), would I be able to commit to it right now. Of course the answer was and is no. My life is not my own nor will it be for at least another 5-10 years. Until then, my kids are my highest priority. When I remembered this, it gave me some relief. I have another 5-10 years to work on these eating issues. Seen in that light, I am making great progress. I think the frustration comes because all though I am making great progress, I have enough slip ups that my weight doesn't go down. If I were to actually ignore the side effect of my weight and think about my eating habit now and those five years ago, I would see huge improvement. There is even great improvement from two months ago. When I realized that, it was easier to see my slip ups as a learning process and not something to beat myselg up about. I have time still to figure out what is right for my body. It is another path that I am on.

Good luck to you, Rawpriestess with all of your new endeavors, food and otherwise and good luck to all of us who are still figuring life out.

[rawpriestess]

Well, I went to breakfast and it was grand, I had an herbal tea, fresh squeezed orange juice and a beautiful fresh fruit plate. YUMMY!!!

And I had a wonderful time too.

[lodestar]

Victory!!!!

[carolg]

RP,
Be encouraged as you are moving forward with the journey. I haven't met a perfect soul, so keep up the great work that you are doing. You have a team who are right behind each other lifting each other up. Together the WE works. You are an inspiration so just keep moving. It's when we stop the real problem is--just my thinking and reflecting. Some reach the finish line faster, but finishing is the key whatever time that times. You and the rest here can finish on whatever journey one is on: weight, exercise, clutter and more. Hang in and grateful for your being "real." This message can be all as we are never alone in challenges. At least I'm not. Thanks.

carolg

[Missrawdiva]

I am with you with the cravings two weeks before your period.. have you tried maca? I have been taking that for the last month, and this is the first time I have not had any pms or bloating.. and this is coming from a person who would get cramps and bloatiness for two weeks before my period.

[Revvell]

Revvell, I found your post to be of major help to me, I knew it was a boundary issue, and it is so much more clear with your post, thank you.

I appreciate your words so much.

You're quite welcome. I appreciate your courage in all that you're going through and your continuous words of wisdom on all you've done.

Revvell

[Trinity]

Dearest RP and Everyone who shared,
I hear you on the cooked food addiction and the self-sabotage. I am a two time cancer survivour and I am only 40. I cam e to be raw to live, to never experience that kind of disease or any other ever again. HOWEVER, when there is addiction, we/I sabotage as well. I believe it comes from our own thinking that we/I am not deserving of a full, healthy, vibrant life. Now, that's really a disease:). Louise Hay has a great book, "Heal Your Life" with amazing afirmations for any and all maialise and disease, this book ahs helped me tremendously. I still have to be on top of myself at certain temptation times and say this is for my life, the small pants size is gravy(ha ha). I have a 12 year old daughter and an awesome husband who support my choices and my lifestyle. Just know that we are all deserving of abundance and vibrant health, it is our birthright. If we fall, trip or stumble we are still loved beyond all comprehension, we just need to feel the same inside. Love and Blessings to you all:)

[Nenyath]

All of you must feel great, you are all doing so well, just remember this is all a process of progress, each step is a step in the right direction, even if we step backwards, it makes such a beautiful dance that way, forward, back forward sidways, back, it's all good, we are becoming who we truly are inside, we are just finding ourselves.

Thank you so much RP for your wise, kind words and this broader perspective! I too can relate to the self sabotage, now you mention it it becomes so very clear to me. On very good days I make a raw resolution in the morning and stay raw for most of the day. I feel great, appreciative of myself, my choices and the opportunities grandly handed to me. Then it happens, it is going TOO well and I eat unraw (Changing the words here, no more "cooked" it will be raw or unraw but that way I have double raw at least in my thinking). My downfall is wheat too, wheat and salt- bugging chips! But as you say RP, it is a journey and when I look at my habits now I know what I would prefer as I used to self-sabotage with chocolate and chips, now it is sanwiches..

Congratiolations for staying all rawsome RP and well done!

Fly forever free..

[jaurequi]

Dearest RP and Everyone who shared,
I hear you on the cooked food addiction and the self-sabotage. I am a two time cancer survivour and I am only 40. I cam e to be raw to live, to never experience that kind of disease or any other ever again. HOWEVER, when there is addiction, we/I sabotage as well. I believe it comes from our own thinking that we/I am not deserving of a full, healthy, vibrant life. Now, that's really a disease:). Louise Hay has a great book, "Heal Your Life" with amazing afirmations for any and all maialise and disease, this book ahs helped me tremendously. I still have to be on top of myself at certain temptation times and say this is for my life, the small pants size is gravy(ha ha). I have a 12 year old daughter and an awesome husband who support my choices and my lifestyle. Just know that we are all deserving of abundance and vibrant health, it is our birthright. If we fall, trip or stumble we are still loved beyond all comprehension, we just need to feel the same inside. Love and Blessings to you all:)

Well, that was just beautiful, Trinity, and I whole-heartedly agree with you. You sound very content and know yourself very well. What we believe about ourselves is at the core, yes, I agree :).

Congratulations on your recovery! You are amazing. All the best on you road to healthful eating :)

Best,

[ShelShel]

RP~ wow. I'm so glad you wrote this. I have been struggling so much this week. It's been weird for me. I have maintained 100% raw, but it hasn't been that easy. Usually I feel like I'm soaring...this week...it's a bit of a crawl.
I have been evaluating why this is...all week. I have come to one conclusion for me. Now that I have lost so much...I feel very on display...like everyone can see me...and I bounce between being happy...and comfortable...to being shy and confused. I feel a bit naked. When I was a lot larger...I had something to hide behind.
I think the thinner I get...I feel more exposed. Not sure if you are feeling this...but thought I would share.
I've always been confident and outgoing...and feeling anything else is a bit difficult for me. So...I will need to work through these feelings....but I'm not sure how other than be this weight long enough to feel that it is normal. ;)
Thanks for this thread...it just proves...I'm not alone.

[romanticsnet]

I agree with the feeling that when you are thinner you feel more exposed. I know that for me, when I am thinner, people cannot stop commenting on how I look, especially after I complete a fast and drop 10-15 pounds. (Or when I lose weight in general) But then there is always the point after where I cringe when I see the same people again.. . just after I complete the fast or gain 5 pounds. I feel like they are judging me behind my back especially when they are pointing at me to their friends, or telling me that I look bloated or like I did not get enough sleep, and they gets me feeling terrible. Makes me want to start eating.

All my life my Dad told me that I would be prettier if I lost weight, and that men did not marry fat girls, or that I would never land a worthwhile job unless I was thinner. When I dyed my hair platinum blond during highschool (15 years ago) he remarked about how much better I would be if I stayed blond. I am olive complected 1/2 Korean. Both of my parents would immediately notice if I gained 4 or 5 pounds, and would never hesitate in telling me so. Even today my Mom would tell me, "wow it looks like you gained some weight." All the while trying to get me to eat as much as I could at her house. She even tells me that my kids look weak, and need to eat more meat for stamina and energy. Even worse is when she sabotages my kids by making them cake at every visit and letting them have soda, and telling them that since I am not around, I will not know.

For me, it may be the judging that wrecks my resolve. I have these deep inner fears that people are judging me behind my back, and laughing at me if I don't make my goals. I feel like they are saying that my diet is ridiculous, and how can it be successful, if I keep yoyoing. My in-laws make me cringe as well, when they keep asking how much more weight I have lost every single time I see them. I feel like I am having to lose more weight in order to see them, so I try to avoid them. My mother-in-law never hesitates to tell me that my diet is ridiculous, and goes into hysterics about how I am limiting myself so much, and that no reasonable person can expect to live like that for long. Whn I slip and start eating cooked vegan, they immediately feel self righteous, and let me know that it was only a matter of time, and that I cannot expect to sustain health and happiness only raw.

When people gush and fawn over how much weight you have lost, it makes me feel like I was so HUGE and GIANORMOUS before, that it scares me, and makes me feel worthless.