This is an excerpt from my "30 day" journal today (there is a link in my signature to the full journal) :
I just broke up with my boyfriend of 1 year and 3 months 9 days ago and in some ways this 30 days kind of has to do with that as well, just cleansing my life of negative influences. After a certain point he just stopped trying and I was the one struggling to make it work, which is a pattern I have had before. But this time, when it became so obvious that although he cares about me very much he was just continuing to be my boyfriend because it was convenient, I broke the cycle and ended the relationship, which is a huge step for me in the self esteem and dignity category. He was a great guy and a great boyfriend when he wanted to be, but he just got so obsessed with the idea that he missed being single and that he couldn't get the same kind of vaidation from one lover as if he could seduce multiple people and I really didn't need his insecure moping about his non-singleness in my life, it was making me feel less. And he just stopped trying very hard to be a good boyfriend and was more of a good friend. I only cried for one day and then I was relatively fine even though we had to finish out 3 more days of a road trip together, ick.... That was so different from my last breakup when we had been together for 3 years (2 years too many) and I was so devistated and mopey and depressed and confused because my ex was taking for granted that he could have me back if he wanted and wouldn't make a clean break even though he left and it really messed with me. This time I took things in my own hand and made a clean and amicable break, (which I honestly was a little disappointed to find out was totally mutual, since I didn't want it to happen but knew it had to....) I feel empowered and content to be single for a while, though sometimes I realize that you can't get away from something that serious as easily as I thought I had and I feel grief or anger or regret, but it is in really manageable doses. I know once those negative things wear off we will be good friends since things ended on as positive a note as these things can.
Last night I had a dream about him and our friend and we are all on the road trip again, but we were hitchiking and got picked up by some cute girls going to Mardi Gras and my ex and our friend were trying to hook up with the girls and I felt all jealous and sad and disgusted so I said.... actually, I don't want to go to New Orleans. So they let me out on the side of the road and I was wearing my new running shoes and I ran really fast and I came to a small town where I went into a cafe and there were a bunch of young children there and one was eating raw broccoli and I smiled at him and said "I like raw broccoli too"... and then I ate a bunch of vegetables that the chef made for me and I talked to the little kids....
I guess this cleansing diet is tied up both conciously and unconciously in a big way with my assertion of my independence from relationships that aren't making me happy. It is something empowering for me, and at the very least it is a project to keep my mind off my break up and me engaged in my own life.
I really am so much happier without him, even though he wasn't mean or bad I just wasn't getting what I needed and now I am living in a big 6 bedroom house in Bellingham with my favorite people and I have more love and companionship each day than I even know what to do with... and I'm excited for "house dinners" soon when I can feed my raw goodies to everyone.