CRAVINGS Oh my God/dess!
Yesterday, I went to a totally cool party at a freind's invitation.
We drove up to Seattle, to the Beacon hill district and went to the "weird house" party, and YES it was, they had musicians, yo-yo ists, artists, writers, and just plain goth people, people were in costumes, it was sooooooo cool, I wore my black leggings, and black halter top, with a beautiful silk kimono as a jacket, I looked hot!
Lots of good food, although I didn't go for the food, and the house and the decorating was totally wild. I mean unbelievable, made my house look TAME, which is hard to do.
Anyway, after we got back to my friend's house after the party, we chatted and visited and talked about everything under the sun, it was a glorious day.
Then I got in my car and drove home, and I was thinking about coming home to my house with only me as the human there, and I started to have these cravings, for wheat and dairy, (I won't be specific) I just kept driving, I thought about this food, and I thought about how it would numb my feelings of being alone, and without my partner.
I thought about how far I'd come with my raw eating, my lifestyle choices, and everything, and non of that seemed to matter enough to keep me on the raw track.
I thought about my life before raw, when I was in a bliss filled relationship, I thought about my dreams, hopes, wishes and passions, I thought about everything that I am now, and that I was before.
And eating cooked seemed okay, in fact it seemed like the perfect way to end my day.
It called to me.
It begged me.
I was emersed in my addiction, the voices were outside of me, and inside of me.
I was almost in a trance of addictive behavior.
It was over powering.
I felt like I would litterally die, if I didn't get my cooked wheat and dairy fix.
I was Jonesing bad!!!
Then I thought about laying in bed for several days, with a gall bladder attack, the immense pain that accompanies it. and I realized that I had the most beautiful gift in the world, with that pain.
I could never understand it before, but that unbearable excrusiating gall bladder pain that I had experienced so many times, was my salvation.
I NEVER want to experience that pain again, and every time I have wanted to eat cooked, every time I have had the desire to eat cooked, every single time, I think about that pain, and I am able to stay raw.
So, I embrace that pain, I LOVE that pain, I am so happy that the pain was in my life, because it is keeping me raw.
Now, I can embrace the other pains that I have had in my life, I can embrace the childhood abuse, I can embrace the relationship breakups, I can embrace being fired from jobs, I can embrace the agony of abandonment, because it is very clear in my mind, what I no longer want, and it keeps me on my chosen path.
I am blessed.
this beautiful journey
there is a part of this journey...this journey with food that we must do alone...i don't know why it is but it is...particulary for those of us who have had challanges with food and weight all our lives...times we we have to experience the pain, hurt, jealousy, etc. by ourselves...it is so fabulous to have all of you here, to ask question and laugh, and learn....but there is a part of this journey i do alone...the part where i face all of the things i did not want to face....the parts of myself i stuffed down with food...eating myself into a stupor....until i was numb and could go on....rp....my heart is with you during this time...i have been reading your journels and feel as if i know you...i am a more reserved person and so it is difficult for me to express this freely...however your journey has touched the very depths of my soul...and reminds me of a time in my life that felt like i was never coming back...in 2002 i lost my eldest sister to cancer and divorced my partner of six years...i felt as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest...i though i would die...i wanted to die...unfortunately i numbed during this time just to keep going for my son...i did not know what else to do for years, but now...that i have decided to stop killing myself with food all of those feelings come sweeping back...for me to cry about, pray, and release...u are doing such a magnificant, elegant job of handling this time...cling to yourself and to an unconditionally loving higher power...whatever you chose to call it...your faith, hard work, and love is greatly rewarded....you are a magnificent being...
Depression has been a struggle for me since I was 10, for reasons in my family, and I never associated food with depression. I would always stop eating. But being alone will make me eat...and eat...and eat. I HATE to be alone and when I am home...I feel like it. When I am at college, I am happy and I feel like myself.
You are an amazing person, and a very strong woman...I can tell from the way you write. I know you are going through a hard time, but I cannot say that I have been through what you are since I have never been in a relationship. But I know how hard it can be from the people around me.
I'm sooo proud that you pushed through your cravings and I think having more outings would do some good for you!! The party sounds like it was amazing and loads of fun!!! I know it's hard, and I wish I could help. I wish I could embrace you and tell you it's going to be okay in person...then go out and have some fun!!
6/26/06 --> 302 lbs
8/14/06 --> 288.5 lbs (-13.5)
05/23/07 --> 274.2 lbs (-27.8)
On Weight Watchers:
09/28/08 --> 250.2 (-51.8)
On Raw: (coming soon!)
Goal Weight: 150lbs
Not a lot one can say after reading that but YES.
Yes to the Pains
Yes to the Fears
Yes to the Heartaches
Yes to the Disappointments
They teach us our most valuble lessons and give us the opportunity to CHOOSE the right path or the wrong one.
This Happens every Minute to minute - Day to day - Month to month - Year to year and we build our life from these moments right now.
You chose the right path to embrace it all. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, it just means that you are facing it and there are rewards for it. Some now some later that you may not be able to see.
Here is something that I hope you will let you feel a reward right now for what you do and who you are:
I value you. You are someone that I have great respect for. You make a difference to me. Your giving here on this board is a foundation that many people look to and count on including me. Your Encouragement and Wisdom help and matter and change and touch others. Your giving of yourself does NOT go un-noticed.
Thank You for who you are :)
What awesome choices you are making, and at what must be a challenging time too. Bravo for continuing on your chosen path despite the insistent call of what you no longer really want. What power! And two more pounds gone to boot!!
You and your journey inspire me. After reading your message I spent time thinking and writing about my own chosen path. I am reaching for authenticity and true joy over relief and comfort. Raw is such a catalyst for my truest self emerging into my truest life. I know that radical change begets radical change, and when it becomes more painful to avoid that than to embrace it, things will move. That's where I am with raw and with life....I want to keep moving and allowing and trusting that it's all unfolding perfectly. That I am unfolding perfectly. And I know it is.
I think that cooked is about imagined relief or pleasure, and raw is about real living---on so many levels. I am doing this one day, one meal, one moment, one life choice at a time.
Thanks for sharing so much of yourself. You are beautiful!
And I am blessed too.
Spiritual Life Coaching
"What if your grandest dream is small compared to what's possible? Wouldn't THAT be something!"
Author of WHAT IF...? Questions to Transform Your Life
, available at www.lulu.com/content/794869
Starting weight on 5/3/08: 222.5, BMI 38.8 @ 5' 3.5"
Current weight 219, BMI 38.2
Overweight goal: 170, BMI 29.6
Normal weight goal: 140, BMI 24.4
It's times like this that you Bless other ppl.
I love you & admire your strength.
Sometimes pain can be a blessing. I am right there with ya. Raw has essentially cured my "missing-gallbladder" pain.
I'm happy to hear that you had a great time at this get-together and that you were feeling HOT HOT HOT
HW: 184 pounds
SW: 179.2 pounds on May 23rd
CW: 164.4 pounds (14.8 pounds released!)
GW1: 170 pounds MET! :p GW2: 160 pounds :cool: Final Goal: 130 pounds
Well done RP! You stayed true to your course and didn't give in to your default position! I recently heard something to the effect " difficult situations don't make a person, it defines them", in your case it shows just that, the inner strength you really have....
the seaking of "pleasure" and/ or the avoidance of "pain" are 2 very powerful motivators and when used consciously as you did, they can be great tools for helping to change past habits that don't serve your higher purpose anymore.
All the best; sending you hugs, love and courage your way :)
William Ernest Henley. 18491903
OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
"Everyone receives 2 kinds of education:
the one given him by someone else, and the other, far more important, which he gives himself" Szekely
Thank you my dear raw family for your kind and encouraging words of support.
I love you all, more than can be said.