Raw and eating disorder thread
I've been reading the thread on "raw and does it cause an eating disorder". Great thread! I had a knee jerk reaction of "God, no!" and "Raw helps my eating disorder", but after a bit of thinking and reading other's replies I kind of opened up my own thinking. For me, I know I will always obsess over food. I will always obsess over the way I look. I've tried so many ways to get out of that thinking, therapy, medications, books, workbooks, everything I could find. Some things worked for a while, but I always ended up back where I started. It's funny how I can be so convinced that the "new plan" is the solution, follow it to a T and then, a few weeks/months later, fail so completely.
My latest attempt at getting over this was to realize that there are no "bad foods". I had tried this years ago without success but thought with some maturity under my belt, I would do better this time around. I went to the grocery store and bought all those forbidden foods and brought them home to begin the healing. I ate and ate and ate. I would start out with breads and move to cheeses then chips, cookies and finally as if I just needed an immediate high, I was eating frosting right out of the container. Container after container for days. I probably would have mainlined sugar if I could have figured out how. I did this for 2 weeks with no end in sight. I felt sick, I felt hideous. I tried so hard to be "mindful" and I tried to be patient and accepting, let it run it's course. I couldn't. There were no realizations, just an overwhelming sadness. I felt like a machine, just here to devour. I felt trapped yet totally out of control. I then began the purging.
With this experience I learned, once again, that there are indeed bad foods.... for me. I have ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT that these foods are not only bad, but will kill me. Not by clogging my arteries or causing some disease, but by triggering the behavioral responses of my eating disorder. I know for certain that foods on this bad list, call it an obsessive list, will initiate a chain reaction that will always end the same way. They are trigger foods without a doubt. When I am raw I do not binge. I may eat like I have for the past few days, desserts for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but I don't binge and I never purge.
I will always have an eating disorder and eating raw is a way to keep it from destroying my life. Just like an alcoholic... once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. You could never tell an alcoholic that there are no bad drinks and let them drink into oblivion, tell them to accept the emotions, hoping they find the cause of their addiction and ultimately expect them to heal. Sometimes there is no “cure”, just maintenance marked by vigilance.
I have no illusions that I will always have to watch myself. I may want to find answers and heal but I know this takes time. Meanwhile I have to find something that I can do that will allow me to get by and live my life. This for me has meant being compulsively raw. :) And honestly I would far rather obsess over what is/isn't raw, darn almonds...sheesh! or “Am I getting enough vitamin B12 and what are my best sources?” than to fall victim to my out of control behaviors that my ED brings. I would rather be compulsively in control than compulsively out of control.