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Yesterday was a weird food day! The day before I was starving and ate all day long. Yesterday I wasn't all that hungry but found myself, as usual, eating anyway. What's up with that? It's like I feel this sense of obligation to eat, "It's 9 in the morning and I haven't eaten... Oh My!!" Or if my kids are eating I feel like I need to eat with them. Last night I was really full, I had made myself Pad Thai and ate it all. I really should have stopped long before I did because I was wayyyy too full after. But later, while watching tv, my old binge/purge time, I ate more. I started in on the torte I had made and noticed after 3 bites that I was actually feeling sick. I stopped, thought, "What am I doing here?" I closed my eyes and just tried to listen. I didn't hear any words or thoughts but I felt this old, familiar feeling of "if I don't eat now I may get hungry later" Kind of like a desperation, like I have gone without something and need to hoard just in case. Strange, because I've never gone without food in my life! :) Along with that, I felt like eating is what I do, like I don't know what else to do to fill my time, so I eat. As if the torte would give me purpose. Torts are great and all but really... I know, through my years of self help books and therapy :) that I should see my eating when not hungry as a behavior signaling my need for something else that I need but not getting. It's always made sense and would explain why food is such a big deal in my life. But how do I go about switching over and letting in that which will "fill me up" in the way I really need?? And what is it that I really need? I've never been able to get through to this!!!