Here I am, looking forward to jotting down my thoughts and plugging along on this raw journey.
I've been raw, off and on now since April of last year and have had some incredible up and downs. I came to raw with a history of terrible eating habits and a really terrible self image. The first few months of raw were wonderful, no cravings, no slip-ups, no misgivings. I was so happy to be just eating and the food was easy for me to adapt to. As time went by those old feelings and beliefs of mine quietly crept back in and I found myself back in that ugly square one. I didn't understand why this happened, I seemed to be so confident and set in my raw ways. To have myself slip back into those unhealthy ways was so confusing and depressing. Today as I look back I can kind of see why this happened. I got wrapped up in the novelty of being raw, it is cool... :) and I think I pushed through things too fast. I jumped ahead of myself, ignoring those parts of me that still needed attention. I treated being raw like a band aid which held for a while but couldn't keep me together for the long haul. I have returned to raw many times over this past year. I usually fall off the wagon and eat uncontrollably for a week or so only to have those thought and behavior demons return. I then make a plan and get back on the raw horse, thinking "Why do I keep doing this to myself, what do I need to learn here?" So that is where I am today. I have returned to raw with once again my renewed faith, I know it is the right path for me. I have never really written down my feelings, especially for all to see :) and I think this may help. It is very easy for me to live in denial, in a cloud and that is where my old, out of control thinking can creep back in, take over once again and rule my day.
So today I'm going to ask, why does food and my addiction to the sad stuff fill a void? I know it doesn't really, but why can it seem like it can? How did it become so powerful even when I've eaten a whole bag of Cheetos, for the 200th time, thinking it will be great and I'll feel better, only to feel like a total failure after? What part of my thinking continues to let me do this even with all the history to prove it wrong??