This is gonna be a long one. And more of a vent than a request for advice. I just need to get this down on 'paper.'
Where do I begin.
My husband and I met 4 yrs ago. I lived in Canada, him in the states. After 2 yrs of back-and-forth plane trips, we decided we couldn't do it anymore. We got married - for the wrong reasons obviously. We could have gotten along just fine but the plane tickets were expensive and the waits - being apart - were horrid. We COULD have stuck it out but we took the route that would get us together for good.
Being here, separated from my home, family, my whole entire life, has not been easy. I despise the city we live in. It's beautiful but much a night-life city, and we don't have anything to do with that. I left Canada because nothing really held me there. But him, his friends, family, he was still in college, etc... Seemed like the easier choice for me to go there.
We got married at 11am, and on our way to the hotel, I got a huge panic attack. Red flag much? And mind you I had only ever had one in my entire life. We actually spent our 'honeymoon' with his friends.
So that was 2 yrs ago. The panic attacks continued on this whole time until now, on mostly raw foods.
And I think now I'm detoxing, emotionally. During these 2 yrs I have been very unhappy at worst, and ok at best. I've had some really good days of course, but mostly just blah. I was depressed and had anxiety most days. He does a lot of things that really piss me off. And to be honest, I've just changed. He's a good guy but we have nothing in common anymore. We don't have deep discussions - ever. Mostly small talk about football and the cats and stuff. We don't really have sex anymore either. I don't want him to touch me. He's changed a lot too - not the gentleman from when we were dating at all anymore.
So the more I eat raw and detox, the more I feel a divorce is needed - like I can't be unhappy my whole life just cause I don't want to hurt him or separate his from the cats. So I stuff down my emotions with cooked crap and feel miserable either way. I feel like my true self is really shining through and I need to make a big change but I keep stuffing it away. I am codependant and I see it now. I don't see living without him, at my own detriment.
The thing is I feel so much better on raw. I don't get super depressed or as anxious anymore, my acid reflux is gone -- all things that made me super miserable. And I don't want to give that up, but can the cost really be my marriage?
I love him but I don't want to be unhappy all my life. I deserve as much as that.
Thanks for listening.