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Somehow I missed the thread Deborah (D'vorah) wrote about Crossed Wires. I don't remember my mother making me feel the way Deborah and Mattye describe, but something caused me to be miswired too. I remember as a child feeling the need to excell at school. The ugly, fat little kid with red hair and freckles. Maybe it was that or sensing my parents' marital trouble. Don't know. I had to know everything before anyone else, had to write my letters perfectly, had to be the best reader, etc. I recall that being good in school was where I got my self-esteem stroked. I would never be the pretty girl or the popular girl, so I tried to be the smart girl. School was painful. Home was painful. Boys were painful. I never measured up. Married too soon to get away from home. Looking back so many years ago, I'm not sure why. I have always measured my self-worth by what someone else thought of me, mostly my husband. That's never been satisfying, because even when he did compliment me, I wouldn't believe it. Can't accept a compliment. Have learned to just say "thank you". That alone was a big step. I used to argue! Been talking a lot lately about reinventing myself--becoming whoever I choose to be. I remember doing that many years ago. Went on a trip and realized that no one knew me where I was going. I could be anyone I chose to be. I was outgoing and friendly, whereas I would normally be quiet and withdrawn. It was pure acting. Felt good. I was someone else--someone besides ME.
Last night my husband and I went to a reception for the son of some old friends of ours. Haven't seen some of these friends for several months. I received lots of compliments on my weight loss, etc. Two of my friends are in the health field. Lila does colon therapy and massage therapy etc. We talked at length about raw. Leslie is an herbalist, massage therapist and is quite knowledgeable about raw. Said she recommends a 3 day raw "fast" to client for arthritis (it stops the pain for them in 3 days but most people can't handle it longer than that!). She really knew more than Lila about raw, enzymes, etc. but I was able to tell her quite a bit about it, even with my limited knowledge and had her drooling and asking for recipes. Leslie commented that my being raw explained my great complexion (makeup!) and clear eyes! All evening I talked about raw and it felt great, like I had a measure of control. But in the end, I still felt like the old me. Like I just couldn't break out of the mold. My husband and I danced, but not like I would have liked. Leslie and I chit chatted about dancing lessons--something I've thought about before and I decided that I am going to take dancing lessons. My husband would dance with me if I knew how. And the old me would never get out there and "make a fool of myself". Slow dance yes but not break out of the mold and have fun. Another decision I made last night was to have a garden. I very half-heartedly tried one a couple of years ago. This year I want a large garden and I'm not afraid of the work that I will have to put into it. It's so easy for me to talk about making changes, but once the dust settles, I slump back down in my easy chair and go back into pity-mode. I look at the accomplishments of Lila and Leslie. I look at Lynelle, my friend who owns Wisteria Place where the reception was held last night. She bought this house, remodelled and decorated it beautifully and has weddings, receptions, parties there. It's the nicest place of that type I've been to. I've always considered Lynelle a "mover and shaker". Could never see myself doing something like that. But Lila and Leslie are just as flaky and fragile as I am. I CAN break out of this mold. I must get past stopping myself midway and saying "what am I doing? I can't..." I CAN! Don't know why I believe I deserve less--and it doesn't matter if I ever figure it out. What matters is that I change it. I feel myself being drawn to becoming certified through Alissa somewhere in the future, as at this moment it seems like the natural progression of things. Lila wanted me to go into business with her and I dabbled with it several years ago, but needed a more secure income. Now she is pretty successful. I saw last night that just my limited knowledge of raw would benefit both Lila and Leslie in their businesses. I saw potential there. It was exciting. But of course, the brakes went on almost immediately. So I've decided to educate myself a little more--no, a lot more. I realized that Mattye's not just a genious, she's well read! Can you tell I'm crazy about Mattye! She's helped me so much already and is helping me daily. But it's obvious how much reading she's done and I've just stagnated for so long. Time to clean up the pond scum and awaken this brain. Since I can't quite overcome the ingrained idea that "if I can't win, I won't play" I guess I'd better get back that childhood thinking of "I need to be the best at what I do". I have control of my eating. Now I want control of my mind--my life. Thanks to my dear friends on RFT for waking me up. Within the past two years I've just decided I want to live--now I've decided I want that life to matter--to account for something. And you all have helped me get to this point. Thank you so much!