I have not been posting like mad like I was in the past. Sort of trying to find a balance. I keep lurking, but am standing back a bit now. I realized this morning that I began a blog on 12/1 and haven't added to it. I figured I was over it. But I popped in a minute ago and was so surprised to see comments on my blog! I hesitated to even write a blog because I have some aversion to someone finding out my inner insanity. But then I realized how much it meant to me that you guys read what junk I had to say and even took time to comment and give me encouragement! I felt so loved. Silly, I know. But for some reason, my self-hatred has been rearing its ugly head lately. Raw, as wonderful as it is, is merely a diversion--not a cure-all--for my depression. I am so busy learning about this lifestyle and all it encompasses that it keeps me preoccupied. I am making some wonderful headway, too. I am not at all tempted by cooked foods. That continues to amaze me. I think about warm, creamy soups or some delish dish, but in reality I have no intention of eating any of it. I went to Church's Chicken with my daughter yesterday at lunch and it did smell good to me. But I was not tempted in the least. Last night I fixed spaghetti for my husband and again, no big deal. I don't know why exactly, but I'm so glad I feel this way. I have told myself that if I want it I can choose to eat it. That keeps me empowered---oh, the mind games! I CHOOSE not to eat it. Therefore, I am in total control. Koo-Koo!! Still scared of the bad reaction from eating SAD. That's probably the real motivator! The most exciting thing happened yesterday. I mentioned it in the Exercise Challenge Thread. I got very upset about something at work yesterday and clocked out for my thirty minute walk to cool-off. Without even realizing it until last night, I had replaced my old habit of EATING with a healthy outlet! I was so excited!! Real personal growth in action. Back in the day it would have been a food melt-down. Food was everything to me. Happy, sad, mad, comfort, entertainment--everything. My husband says that my sister and I could not hold a conversation without a bag of chips. Too true. Food is just not that important to me now. I love how EZ Rider talks about simple eating. Many times I grab a couple of pieces of fruit or slice up a couple of veggies on a plate for dinner. Simple. Eat to live, not live to eat. It's truly liberating. And exercise is not the "all dreaded deed" it used to be. I look forward to it and feel so much better when I do it regularly. These are the most basic rules of life yet so foreign to me. It's like a lightbulb going off. I feel so stupid--or stubborn--for ignoring the obvious my whole life. I have always been on a diet but never taught truly good nutrition to my children. Because I didn't know it myself. Now I'm afraid they will view my raw lifestyle as just another fad diet. "Cause you know, Mom's always doin' something wacky! I share what I'm learning with them and they are all very supportive. I have a wonderful support system between my family and my friends on RFT--I do feel truly loved--and need to work a little harder on loving myself. Well actually, a LOT harder. I'm not too sure where to begin, but from posts I've read on here, I know I need to do some positive self-talk. Positive affirmation stuff. Some of you guys are so knowledgeable. I suppose it's because you've already dealt with this stuff and didn't wait until mid-life to figure it all out! I'll get there. Baby steps to recovery.