on 07-24-2007 at 10:26 AM (390 Views)
This is hard for me....after what 11 days 100% raw. I had a SAD supper on Sunday nite. Then yesterday....I started out with good intentions but they left me somewhere along the way. I had too many little things to do, too many little stresses along the way and too many little temptations in my face. So I did what I have done so many times and .....well..... ate whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted too. ...and towards the end of the day I wanted to eat raw stuff, so I ate some almonds and raw fudge.
I feel oddly very renewed. I don't feel guilty, well I don't know, I feel...sure I am disappointed, I also feel surprised. I thought that SAD would have made me feel immediately sick, but it didn't. I was looking for a deterrant but wasn't immediately finding one. I found it this morning though, but I had already made my resolve last night....as I mentioned already returning to raw.
I guess what surprised me the most was that instead of feeling horrible physically and emotionally. ...something I shy from when it comes to food issues now as it seems to make things much worse... I felt like a polar negative of what I felt going raw. When I first went raw I had these horrible cravings for SAD things...and yesterday after eating SAD things, I had 'horrible' cravings to return to my new normal.
Old habits die hard I guess, and it appears that these 11 days entrenched a habit of eating strong enough to want to return to it when I deviated. I really missed the lifestyle, so I was SAD for an entire 24 hours. Now are you going to kick my ass?
I feel like...as far as this challenge goes, that I shouldn't keep counting from my original, even though in the grand scheme of things it was a small blip, in my eyes it was a large enough blip to disqualify myself I guess, even though that sounds so negative. I feel like if I keep counting, I may keep cheating, as it was ok before...or something like that, that sounds harsher than I feel it. But like my title says....I am a kid at heart and I can manipulate myself.
So, I actually want to start fresh again. I am greiving the loss of my track record but.... I am not even sure I want to count out 30 days, I feel like I want it to be a forever change, and 30 days is irrelevant. I don't know, I guess I am a bit confused.
I knew the 30 day challenge would be great because I have a tendancy to do the first third of things I try, lol. In the beginning of my posts I mentioned that I would do a different diet everyday before taking the weekend entirely off....and obviously spin my wheels endlessly. A 30 day challenge would mean that I would need to give it a real effort, lasting consistency. ....and during the 11 days I wondered at times what I would do at the end....would I gradually revert back to my old ways? Because I feel that being 90% raw would actually be much harder than being 100% raw, given the title of this post again...
So maybe if I say to myself that this is a forever change, the 30 days then becomes perspectively much smaller.
It's like a competitive thing, if I run a race by myself, I will think I am doing fine at my speed, but if I KNOW people are beating me, then I try harder....
I don't know...but today WILL be raw...
I guess my new starting weight is 153.6....a gain of 3 pounds from Sunday morning which should tell you something of my digressions....and I lost my little glow I had going...which I was really growing to love.
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