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Call me Yo-yo..........lol

That does describe me very well. Yo-Yo........that is what I seem to do. I go down, I go up, I go down, I go up. I just wish the string would break..I'm tired of this game...LOL.

I've noticed over the years that when I begin a diet and I begin to loose weight, I'm, so jazzed, so inspired, excited...you name it. THEN....that little voice in my brain starts "making me" look at forbidden food ;) and start drooling. Even when I've been so good for awhile, all of a sudden I look at a food and have an instant desire to "have it now!" LOL That's when I end up falling big time.

I have gone up and down for so many years, I litterally have several sizes in my closet. The sizes are...... fat, fatter, and fattest. Once I tossed out my fattest clothes just knowing I would not need them again. Well, a few months later, I was purchasing some fattest sizes. I was bummed.
Shopping for clothing has become a test in my mental health. I get so depressed, discouraged and disgruntled.

Well, seems it is happening again with the raw diet. I began almost 4 months ago at 245#. I got on the scale today to see what kind of progress I had made and to my surprise I weighed in today at 234#

So it seems, I again am doing the Yo-Yo dance. In almost 4 months I am registering an 11# loss. Part of me wants to cry, and the other part of me wants to say "well, it is a loss" "With all my struggles, I should be happy with any loss". I am really trying to be positive here.
Meanwhile I read daily of really BIG weight losses in much less time that that. (sigh)

Today I had my regular drink on the way to work. I didn't have time to eat lunch so when I got home I had 2 peaches and 1 apple. About 30 minutes later I am lurking in the kitchen. I open the pantry and refridgerator (as if I'm searching a menu at a restaurant.) I don't like what I see so I leave the kitchen. I end up back in the kitchen because an avocado was calling me. Before I knew it I had cut the avocado. I noticed some tortillas sitting so lonely in the back of the fridge. They were sealed in a food saver bag. Before I knew it I was tearing away at the bag. Next thing I knew I had smashed the avo (salt & cayenne) and put it on one of the tortillas then I covered it with another tortilla and ............don't look...........MICROWAVED IT..........I cut it in four and it was gone in no time. I hate that I ate the tortillas. I am not going to beat myself up for that. I am not going to beat myself up for that........(I'll keep repeating this).

I am trying to take the advise about finding other interests. I really want to but that darned voice in my head won't leave me alone!!

I told myself I enjoyed my dinner. I figure if I tell myself enough I might start to believe it.
I had a sliced red cabbage, sliced carrot, sliced apple and orange squeezed over it all. I sprinkled some cayenne pepper because I read from everyone that it is so good for you. I'm basically eating for "bulk" & quantity & not for taste.
Ok, so that is my story for today kids...............As I type I find my eyes keep wandering in the way of the kitchen............so I better go take my shower and get ready for tomorrow. A picture of a blob of peanut butter on a spoon just popped in my head.

ok, I might make one more round of the kitchen menu.........

Jeannie