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Yes, I gained back a pound...again. But not from over eating so the only explanation I have is that I had salted sundried tomatoes in my salad and I am retaining water because of it.

I cried last night. So now my eyes, in sync with my body, are puffy too. Why? I don't even know. I stress about my career/finances/how to make it work with 6 kids in tow, who so need me to make it work. I guess I don't want my kids to have to suffer anymore than their peers do just because they come from a big family. I want to be able to give them all the advantages financially that other kids get. I don't want to spoil them necessarily but....the problem arises because we live in a country that requires 2 working parents, unless one of them makes twice as much as an average person ofcourse. But the more kids you have, obviously the more problems logistically you have of doing that. I am really glad I had all of my kids, I am just frustrated. I create a plan and then I get all worked up about all the ways it might not work, even thinking of the most unprobable scenarios. You know when something really tragic happens, and they always say, well you never think it's going to happen to you, untill it does? Well that wouldn't happen to me. In fact, I think I think about preventing all these possible things from happening....I don't even know where I'm going with this. It's exhausting though.
I guess it started with my friend telling me about another friend who took a years of swimming lessons so that she could be an instructor. Where I live, she makes 16 bucks an hour (minimum wage is about 8 in Canada), works 9:30 to 2 (perfect mommy hours) with the whole summer off. She does this because she has a special needs child and feels she can't rely on other people too much for her kids care I guess. Then I started thinking about how much I can really rely on other people to take care of my kids. And ofcourse I came up with all these reasons why nothing would ever work well. I couldn't have my oldest kids do before or after school care, because it would ruin the dynamics of their relationships, as it did for my siblings and I when we were kids. I don't know, it just went on and on. And just in case, NO I don't want to do Amway or Quickstar or any other MLM type business! So I thought about doing this exact job, but I couldn't for 2 more years as my daycare and gas costs would total my earnings. And even if I did, it's only part time and not really a lot of money in the end. I want lots of money
And then I had a fight with Doug, over not yard saling our stuff, I tend to just give it away, and that I could make even a bit of money doing that. I suppose he's right....which is really annoying. It's really not my thing.
So I cried. Through that cry I had a bit of clarity. The midwife course I want to take is offered part time as well. It can be done in 4,5,6 or 7 year streams. By the time I graduate, if I took the really slow 7 year pace, my youngest would be 10. Then I could focus on money-making. But no matter what stream you take, the last 2 years are full-time and I couldn't work. The first years however, I could a bit.

....aaaaah. Sometimes I think, I should just work a shift at Old Navy so I can get a discount on clothes, a shift at Walmart so I can get a discount on all their junk, a shift at the grocery store, so I can get a discount on food. hehe.

I'm tired of people telling me I have so much potential. It really makes me feel like I would be doing the world a disservice if I just became 'an employee'.

I guess I am just being difficult. It is that TOM.

I did stay raw though, and for the first time so far, it didn't feel traumatizing or weird to be raw all day.

Totally not impressed about the weight gain, that just added to my attitude.
Anyways, tomorrow will be a full week since I started. So it's fairly safe to say I will be good today so I can enjoy that mini celebration and also see a weight LOSS.
Anna.