This is my Nineveh!

I'm a self defeatist who is afraid of failure. How funny does that sound when you look at it in words?

This merry go round starts out with great plans and amazing intentions, takes on too many passengers and commitments and just as things start to improve gives up and throws her hands up in the air, surrendering to the inevitable return to the beginning. This merry go round learns from mistakes and learns what to do, how to do, but in defeat never tries again.

What is the poor of trying if you know you will fail? Sure, it's all self fulfilling prophecy that ends up fueling depression, frequent illness and just over all mental and physical stagnation.

That is why I do to myself. Over and over, around and around, each time entrenching myself deeper and deeper into a hole where I am not whole, my body doesn't work and all I want to do is curl up on the couch with the cats, a huge cup full of ice cream topped with magic shell and covered with milk.

Of course that doesn't help any.

Yesterday we went grocery shopping. My husband smiled and nodded and even helped me out in the bulk foods isle.

We're battling anemia in addition to the rest of my health problems so we needed to make sure I have some good healthy proteins in there every day.

We decided on walnuts, sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds.

I honestly love the walnuts. I already know I can make some amazing things with them.

In the long run this stock up trip was a little bit more expensive that we planned, but we're still giving it ago.

Today, I said good-bye to the last of our home made cooked pizzas. And over the next few days of transition I'll be finishing what is left of my Greek Yogurt.

The home made pizza is definitely better than the boxed stuff, or the delivery stuff for me, but at the same time, I need to stop with it.

So my lunch was packed, my snacks were ready to go. I'm ready to go.

And I'm still afraid of failure.

Still terrified that I'll give up and actually not even try.

I keep telling myself if I make the investment I'll make it work but have just been afraid of making it work.

I'm inching back to 200 lbs, I'm sick all the time. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I'm starting out with 2 days of transitioning back and then a 60 day goal to commit to my exercise program and healthy food choices.

Lets see what happens... :)