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I am going all raw and I'm starting today.

I have a feeling that this time will be different for a few key reasons.
1) As mentioned before, I fully think of myself as an addict at this point. ...not that I'm berating myself, I am not...it's more about being honest with it. ...somewhere along the way recently, I figured/admitted this and it has really Resonated with me ever since and it's changed my self talk/analysis, I think for the better. It has allowed me to realize that so long as I try and count calories and eat these foods, that I will always battle it like crazy. It will always be a battle. It's exhausting, lol. I Know raw would fix this...as when I went back to cooked last time, I didn't even 'need' to, I just thought I could fold some in, in moderation. But some people Can/Do eat cooked in moderation. I actually, truthfully, am completely Sure, I am not one of those people.

Maybe after I have fully detoxed and healed I could do some steamed veggies or something, but the thing I'm realizing is that I romanticize food. I literally Love those foods. I spent some time looking back on all the favorite/could not live without foods I have LOVED over my life. And funnily there is a looong list of foods there, that I could care less about right now. For whatever reason, something interfered with my eating them, and eventually I did fall out of love with them. So the foods I 'love' right now....meh. Sure they taste good, but do I have to give them such high status? I really don't.

2) Yesterday I went to Old Navy in search of bathingsuits for my children. I ended up waiting outside Three occupied changerooms filled by my daughters taking forever in their quest. You may not know this but Old Navy has these huge mirrors outside the changerooms as well...put on angles from each other so that you can get a good, solid, well-rounded look at yourself. I was completely shocked. I think I have been living in denial. I wear clothes that are baggy fitting enough, I wear socks so I don't see how fat my feet have become (even though yes I see my fat feet, I like to think it's just the top view angle?) lol...seriously though, my skin was dry, I have cellulite on my upper arms (when did that happen?), acne that I didn't properly cover up, an ill-looking complexion. ...Probably more details...oh right, I actually look pregnant too.

I really was in disbelief at the whole package deal. I used to be, and I quote, 'the most beautiful grandaughter', out of many, many grandchildren, according to my Opa. I really was pretty cute, dainty yet athletic, fun, fashionable, ...lots of confidence.

Not that I 'hate' myself, I don't, I love me even as I am now (this is new) but rather just have been in denial at how much physically I have declined. For many years, trying to go raw, I figured/wished I could just have something that I couldn't argue with, that Necessitated that I go raw. Like cancer or something....not that I wished I had cancer specifically ofcourse, but many people who are all raw, find it easy because their very life hangs in the balance type of thing. It is Proven actually, to be a very effectual factor in lasting changes of any kind.

Anyways, a picture says a thousand words as they say...and this image of me yesterday, Soooo unhealthy looking, Not living my self or Honouring me in general...the image just said so much. I am no longer in denial about my food addiction in how it controls me, nor what it is doing to me.

I don't like it one bit, and quite frankly, the buck does stop here. I am fortunate enough to already know how to repair myself and recover from this food addiction....many people don't.

I want to give myself the very best opportunities, health, moods, fashion...I want to give me my very best self. I don't want to do anything half way anymore, I want to just focus on the positive so intently that nothing will interest me more than achieving that.

I am not sure what to do with my transition foods. I have some vegan rice cheese, some vegan mayo, spelt bread, all natural peanutbutter. It is hard for me to think of these foods and not eating them. The problem with them is that the vegan cheese is probably an abomination of ingredients and very processed and not at all healthy what so ever. The spelt bread is actually addicting. I end up eating it at every meal almost if I'm 'raw but with spelt bread'....moreso than I normally would, and it's also not very nutritious...like I could be spending my calories on so much better food, tastier, etc. Really it only serves as a carrier and there are plenty of raw, tastiER breads anyway. Which leaves me with the mayo and the peanutbutter. I am actually on the fence about these two ingredients, the peanutbutter, I don't know, it's blended nuts...and most nuts I can afford to buy aren't 'really, Really raw' anyway. And as for the mayo, it's got a pretty clean ingredients list...I might even be able to replicate/make a decent raw mayo using it as a template using tahini as a base...I think I will work on that today even, it should be pretty easy. ...so just peanut butter really is left...I don't know, to me it's not a big deal...I guess because it's just blended nuts too. ...getting rid of eating the spelt bread, which I put peanut butter on often, would minimize how much peanut butter I would use by default...I don't feel I am 'addicted' to PB, I am more addicted to the bread/grains aspect of what I eat it with.

Anyways, sorry for the loong blogpost! Luckily I don't write them everyday. ;) ...Today I will be focusing on fruit and will have a huge waldorf salad for supper, which is delish by the way! It is from this site if you want to try it, hint, hint!!

I'm readyyyyy

Really ready. :) REALLY, really ready, lol.