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Last night I realized that I soothe myself with food. We talk about comfort food, but I feel I am a true addict in a way, as I must admit that I began life sucking my thumb, somehow outgrew that and had a normal childhood but maybe the stressors of my parent's divorce, teenage angst, etc. led to my cigarette smoking and when I quit smoking I then turned to food.
I have suspected that I am a food addict for awhile now, but wasn't sure if I would go as far as to say Addict. Anyways, perhaps it is a continuum, but I am leaning towards thinking this is the case and that I need to treat myself accordingly. Why am I a food addict? Purely because I am not a cigarette addict or a drug addict or a thumb-sucking addict, lol.

The way I figure it I have two choices, I can replace this addiction with another one such as exercising or something else positive, or I can try to calm that 'need', what is that need that so many of us are striving for, that sustains our addictions?

Last night, in the dark silence of my living room, I explored this. The need is security. I used to think that I would eat when I was bored and needed entertainment or that yes, it was comforting from stress...but the more I think of it, it's Comforting from anxiety/insecure feelings, not 'stress'. Stress is a buzzword really and it can have any number of emotions associated to it including anger, hurt, depression, anxiety, tiredness, etc. Food gives me a sense of security much the same way having a cigarette or sucking a thumb for children does...from anxious feelings. Do I feel insecure? I asked myself...I don't feel 'insecure' in the typical way I don't think, like I am confident enough and think I have a decent level of self-esteem. But I worry a lot, I worry about everything! Anything! When I consider food on the palate has a calming effect, a sense of security and that in that moment, everything is alright...I am using food for security. Some people just feel comfortable storing it, I need to Taste/Feel it...lol.

I thought to myself, still sitting in the dark, well how is it that I sit in front of the computer studying away, writing essays, taking online tests...seemingly eating when I'm bored? Eating for entertainment is not eating for security, so what gives? ...and then I saw it. I am not eating out of boredom, I am eating out of a fear of failure.
I have a rather large fear of failure, like many of us do. Perhaps this is why I binge eat when I fall off the raw wagon...something related to soothing my sense of failure?

I am not sure now but I do have a keen sense of specifically why I am a food 'addict' and that if I look closely, it all seems to be related to it making me feel secure in that moment...nurtured. It was a very light-bulb moment.

Oprah's last show, something she said kind of tied in with that, which I had watched just before. ...she said that everyone needs to feel worthy of happiness, like they deserve it, that this is a birthright. And also that it is a very hard human task, to geniunely feel worth it. Deserving of happiness. I am not sure how exactly that ties in with my security issues, but I feel it does.

I am not sure, also, what to do with this epiphany, less that I know I need to nurture myself in healthy ways and find that secure feeling in healthy ways. I think that self-talk is important and as ridiculous as it seems, I am going to try that EFT stuff...I think it's called? An earlier blogpost from someone else had linked a youtube video on it, and it's basically just saying a bunch of statements to yourself during your craving and tapping yourself on different points of your body at the same time. I think the tapping keeps you in the present moment, very, very conscious, so you are listening fully to what you are saying to yourself. It does seem really weird and ridiculous though, but last night during my train of thought, it seemed like it would be very calming during a craving.

And the craving is the moment...it's not so much the food you are craving, what you are craving is that feeling of security. ...well atleast with me anyway.

I feel like I'm getting to know myself and my needs and how to provide them for myself so much better! I feel more and more that no matter what happens, that I can soothe Myself, that I can be happy independant of what relationship I am in, what job I have, what my financial status is, what people around me are doing that I feel isn't the way I would do it...etc. That I am whole all by myself...and more and more this thought comforts me immensely. Perhaps it will be a useful mindset to try to get to when I am not feeling secure. :)

Anyways, I do want to go raw. I have wanted to go raw for a very, Very long time. I don't want to be loud about it and parade it all over the internet, or become a preacher...I want to be silently powerful? ..maybe powerful is slightly the wrong word...silently effective, in my life and in my influence and in my energy. I want to be healthy, my healthiest, and live a long time.

I have already been done school for a number of weeks and I have 7.5 before I start my fourth year. I feel like the first number of weeks were a combination of de-stressing, organizing my life in general and towards raw, and a lot of self-analysis (which was caused by my Not jumping straight into raw as I expected myself to do). I really do feel I am ready to begin the next leg of my journey and enjoy the bounty of raw foods by my side. I have taken a number of stabs at it and had many raw meals over the last few weeks and I feel very 'close' to it, like it is a nearby friend that I visit often.

I think I'm ready to move in

PS. I bought Ani Phyo's original book and also her new Asian cuisine book and both look so, so great so far. I am wondering about her dessert book also, so if anyone has it, please comment on its value!