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In the past few days I have had to be brutally honest with myself.

I think I was approaching a lot of this raw thing with part idealism and ego, also with a lot of anxiety in giving up my cooked foods. There was also something in my head that insisted I could do it because I've done it for weeks and months before.

I really was refusing to see the obvious pattern. This pattern being that I would declare I was going raw the next day/next Monday...and eat to my heart's content the days before, infact purposely over-eating on my addiction foods, essentially I would binge. But it was all in the name of going raw.

Half of those times I might not go raw, and the other half almost always would only go raw for half a day to a few days...barely, if at all losing what I gained on my pre-raw binge. If I'm honest, and this was hard for me to admit, my weight gain in the last few years has been due to this approach. I've noticed this in the back of my head for awhile but suppressed it, didn't want to admit it, just wanted to keep trying that One of these times it would actually work and I would have my 'after' story.

I think I am done with not being good enough with my diet.

At this same time, I watched an incredible video/lecture on being vegan. Up till now I have only been vegetarian for 3 years. Veganism, other than when raw, mostly seemed something I just needed to do for my health, through this video though, now I just understand...it was truly a lightbulb moment, stuff I knew but just the way it was presented, I just highly doubt I will go back. But I will finish the rest of my honey...I might still have honey, lol...but I am DONE with dairy. This is huge for me because in the cooked world, that gets me hooked into bad eating so easily.

The video I watched can be found on RFT member 'Eva's site here: http://uncooking101.com/site/veganis...bout-veganism/

This is an important piece because 1) I have endometriosis that is very easily managed with no dairy/meat and no gluten (which I still may have some gluten, but not much if any and is not a source of stress for me)...and 2) because maybe I will be able to control my eating a Lot better.

I am very excited. I feel my immersion in rawveganland has been a blessing in one way. I know so much of the 'how' to do it, I know how to make salads and smoothies and dehydrate things, my kitchen has helpful gadgets and different jars of nuts and seeds and various things, I have an excellent spice collection, even frozen 'fresh' spices. I have recipe books and favorite recipes. I can now, finally, even have a good sense of winging it and know what might taste good...which is huge, never been able to that in cooked land, lol.

So I think the combination of my raw knowledge and my new found veganism/whole foods approach will give me an excellent platform to begin a prosperous journey.

I feel so much relief...already my urge to binge on bad foods is, well it's gone actually. Which is amazing in itself ...I DO have issues with anxiety, and I think that going raw became a trigger for me somehow, I think in life, with stuff that I am anxious about, that I succeed with 'wading' in rather than 'diving' in. I am not a diver, lol

The other thing I want to make important is exercise, and I think this will basically just help me to keep my eye on the ball with healthy eating/lotsa raw, etc.

I'm super interested to see where all this takes me and it is my most sincere wish that it will take me just where I want to go...

There is a woman, Lillian Muller (sp?), a playboy centerfold, who looks amazing and she eats raw all day and for supper will have some salad and something vegan cooked, or maybe just a huge salad. I would be ecstatic if I reached this level one day on a permanent basis. She works out and really, Really looks great. I think she is high fruit, low fat but am not sure. It doesn't really matter because, as Monk points out, that is her journey and mine is mine.

Special thanks to you Monk for thoughtful replies to questions and such...it really helped me sort everything out.

And Shelshel, ofcourse, you really helped me to see my journey honestly and I can't thank you enough because I think I'm in a really good place now.

I will continue to blog here because it seems like a safe little corner of the internet to do so, free of judgement and also with some friends....as well it will help to keep interest in raw, so I can make sure I do keep raw momentum going in my diet.

MUCH LOVE