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contessa20

This has been, without a doubt, the worst year EVER!

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7 Comments
by
contessa20
on 07-18-2010 at 03:22 AM (1083 Views)
Gosh, it's hard to know where to even start. This has truly and honestly been the absolute worst year I can remember EVER having, and I had some doozies in my childhood. This, however, puts them all to shame. I'm so SO incredibly ready to say goodbye to 2010.

Back in the fall my son's primary teacher quit before the end of the first marking period to take another job. That was devastating in and of itself because (a) we had chosen her as the best fit for my son's personality and (b) her replacement was HORRIBLE.

Back in the winter my nephew was born and we were saddled with him for quite some time while the new mom got her act together. Having a newborn in the house was DRAINING. I love him dearly, don't get me wrong, but another child is simply not something I would choose for myself.

In the spring my husband had a colon cancer scare; within the span of ONE WEEK my son had a concussion, was hit in the face with a baseball while pitching and was hit in the head with a baseball bat by another player; one of my son's karate teachers was killed in a HORRIFIC car accident and my son's secondary teacher (science & social studies) was hospitalized for some unknown degenerative disease that they have yet to correctly diagnose. She never returned to school and it is questionable whether she will return for the coming year.

Over easter break an old friend lost control of his motorcycle and drove off of an overpass in California.

Then, at the end of April I had to unexpectedly put my 5-yr. old soul cat, Riley, to sleep. Pets come and go and I love them all dearly but Riley was to me, the equivalent to finding your soul-mate. I held him in my arms as they injected him with the poison and he took his last breath. I was a useless mess for weeks. His best buddy, Scout (our other indoor cat) has been depressed since the day I came home from the vet without him. I've noticed some changes in her lately as well that are scaring me. She's going to need to go in for a check-up to put my mind at ease.

The day before his 5th grade graduation in June a girl in my son's secondary class was struck and killed by a car 3 houses down from our neighborhood. Less than a month later a boy who he absolutely loved and admired in both baseball and karate who was also the 13 yr. old brother of one of his long-time friends was killed in a 4-wheeling accident while on vacation with his grandparents.

A few weeks ago I finally got my learner's permit. I am 31 yrs. old and my mother was killed in a car accident when I was 9 and then I was in a car accident with my family when I was 16. I have been terrified ever since to drive. Because my son is going to a private school with no bussing in the fall I had to do it. Ever since I got the permit though I have suffered from extreme insomnia (it's 4:30am right now and I've been up for 2 hrs. already) and terrible nightmares (waking up screaming, trying to escape from my bed etc.). I'm averaging about 3 hrs. of sleep a night and the nightmares are every single night. No matter what I do I can't seem to shake either of them.

And then on Friday my grandmother called me to say that my cousin, whom I was at one time very close to, had died of an overdose. What's worse, there's a strong possibility that she did it on purpose. She had a husband and two daughters; one who would be turning 12 in a couple of weeks and the other who is not yet 2.

I want this year to end. I want to see 2011 and for it to have more promise and love than this year has. My heart simply can't hold anymore pain. If nothing else though, this year has reminded me that life is TOO SHORT. Do the things you want to do NOW. Use the good china on your family - your children even - don't save it for a "special" occasion because every single day is special. Tomorrow may never come.

And, because this is my raw food blog I will say that I am continuing to stay raw. There have definitely been some days where I have spiraled into an abyss of cooked junk but I never failed to feel worse than I did before and I've always turned back to the raw within a day or two. A friend from my son's elementary school whose husband was just diagnosed with cancer for the second time in as many years has also decided to try raw for herself and her family, which is just fantastic.

I'm hoping to be back to hanging around here a bit more. I need some positive energy and inspiration in my life right now.

Updated 07-18-2010 at 06:29 AM by contessa20

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Comments

  1. snoops's Avatar
    It's nice to see you back. I thought I had been having a bad year but I guess we can always find someone who is doing worse. I am sorry its you. I try to wake up every day saying this is going to be the day that good things will happen. That I will find something to help with my issues. That I will make my life better.

    Don't wait till 2011. Decide today that the worst is over and things are getting better.

    Welcome back. I missed you!
  2. contessa20's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by snoops
    It's nice to see you back. I thought I had been having a bad year but I guess we can always find someone who is doing worse. I am sorry its you. I try to wake up every day saying this is going to be the day that good things will happen. That I will find something to help with my issues. That I will make my life better.

    Don't wait till 2011. Decide today that the worst is over and things are getting better.

    Welcome back. I missed you!
    Snoops, you make an excellent point. Thank you so much for the encouragement. Great advice. It's funny how, when so many bad things started to happen I found myself bracing for the next thing. Waiting for the sky to fall - again. I need to stop that. While I haven't been depressed or wallowing at all, I've certainly been drained; this perpetually guarded state is exhausting.

    I actually picked up a book from the library at a friend's suggestion called "The Happiness Project." You might be interested in it as well. I found it to be very inspiring and encouraging in creating my own joy. Ironically, I finished the book on Friday, the same day I got the call about my cousin. Way to really drive home the point that happiness and joy are really a choice!
  3. snoops's Avatar
    Well and to be honest I only started doing that today after talking to a friend who suggested it yesterday!! LOL
  4. RawKnitster's Avatar
    Good Lord, girl. All so very unfortunate. You live in a big world that has contacts to a lot of people. Things happen. You must know it isn't you.

    I remember you writing about not having a driver's license. I thought it was an East coast thing. Now I understand. How old was your Mother when you were nine? Have you reached the age your Mother was when she died? I have a good friend who had a really hard time coping when she reached the same age her Mother was when she passed. It was actually tough for her a few years on either side of that age.

    Thanks for checking in and letting us know how your doing. Better times are on the way.
  5. rawpromises's Avatar
    I'm so glad to see you back again. I'm so sorry for the year of pain and hell you are going though. I went though my year of pain and sorrow in 2008 and into 2009 with the loss of my mom to cancer and then when I thought the worst was over my father has a triple by pass and almost dies two weeks apart from her.. I had been raw and then not raw with all of that and gained 35 pounds in that year. Family I thought would be there for my parents were long gone. I mean siblings. I would love to say to you that I'm so proud of you for finding your way back to raw even in hard times.That is one lesson I didn't get right away and I wish I would have. I wish I could have done that instead of spiraling into food which did nothing for me but leave me sick. I learned so much in that year now that i look back upon it. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone but it did teach me so much. I didn't see it then because I couldn't see it though the pain but now in 2010 I'm able to take that and really really really see what is important to me. I can see your on that path now. I can remember saying to myself " If only it were 2009 and then it didn't get any better with the change of the year but what I did and what you can do is start FRESH at any point. I made up my mind that even in the pitts of hell I was going to crawl back. I did. It took some tme but I'm raw and I'm thriving in a way i would never have been had I not gone through that. My hope is that you will get there too. Baby steps.. Take it all in and start fresh with baby steps. Not living raw but getting your head right if you know what I mean. Raw as you know is not just about losing weight, it gives you the clarity of mind to see things in a better way, to feed you body and your soul with life. It can make you cry, it can heal your mind and it can pick you up. Your doing great girl. Life is life is life. If I didn't learn from the lessons of that year I would not be the person I am today. Same with you. The lessons are being learned for you even if you can't see them yet. So glad your back. . . PS- I'm so sorry for the loss of your cat. I too have a soul mate cat. I have three cats and love them all but Baby Pee I swear is my mom here on earth watching over me. I know it may sounds flaky to some but this cat I swear loves me like no other. So I can understand the pain of lossing that kind of love. I hope your other cat gets better soon. Maybe a raw diet will help her as well. Karen
  6. contessa20's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by RawKnitster
    Good Lord, girl. All so very unfortunate. You live in a big world that has contacts to a lot of people. Things happen. You must know it isn't you.

    I remember you writing about not having a driver's license. I thought it was an East coast thing. Now I understand. How old was your Mother when you were nine? Have you reached the age your Mother was when she died? I have a good friend who had a really hard time coping when she reached the same age her Mother was when she passed. It was actually tough for her a few years on either side of that age.

    Thanks for checking in and letting us know how your doing. Better times are on the way.
    Thank you for the comment and encouragement, RawKnitster. I appreciate it.

    Yes, I do know that it isn't really me :) - that it really is just life, nothing personal - but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that, at times I've wondered what the heck we did to deserve such a crappy year.

    My mom was 29 when she died so, yes, I have passed that age by 2 yrs. I didn't have an incredibly hard time with 29 but I do remember noticing the significance and feeling a bit vulnerable.

    Thanks again! I'm so glad to be back.
  7. contessa20's Avatar
    Hi Karen,
    It's good to hear from you. Thanks so much for sharing your story and your encouragement with me. I appreciate it.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your "year from hell" but how wonderful that you have grown stronger because of it. (((hugs)))

    You know, if I didn't have my husband and son here marveling at the fact that I've been "doing this raw thing" for almost 2 yrs. I think I might have thrown in the towel in the midst of everything. At one point after Quentin's friend died I had been back to 100% raw for awhile and I was just feeling these intense emotions. I was having a hard time dealing with it and noticed that THAT was when the SAD "comfort food" cravings came. As soon as I gave in the intense sadness was dulled and it was like I was almost in this hazy euphoric state. For me, that really shined a light on the fact that SAD food is like a drug.

    I love what you said about starting fresh at any point. I have a friend whose motto is, "every single day starts out brand new with no mistakes in it." I've always loved that and embraced it. In fact, over the last week I've been really thinking about taking that to a whole new level with something like "The Happiness Project." Something I KNOW I need to start doing is journaling and making sure I'm exercising regularly. It's so much easier to cope when I'm getting my feelings out and being active.

    By the way, the story about your cat does not sound flaky AT ALL. Not only did I have a special bond with my Riley but it was reciprocal. He never loved anyone the way he loved me. When I went away for the weekend once, my husband said that Riley was so lost and confused. He wandered around the house looking for me and meowing for me in every room until he finally got up on my side of the bed, stared at my husband and meowed mournfully before falling sleep. Poor guy. He used to jump straight up from the floor into my arms too. He started doing it as a baby and would do it all the time up until about 2 months before we had to put him to sleep. Turns out that he had a heart condition that made him unable to breathe very well, which is why he stopped. I know some people would find this weird but, of all the things I've been through this year, losing Riley has been the absolute hardest. I still miss him every single day.

    Thanks again for sharing with me, Karen. It's great to be back! :)


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