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The Devil Inside

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Anyone know this song of INXS?

Even before I got up this morning I already KNEW that this day would turn out a bit well...dunno... I JUST WAS NOT WELL!!!

It began with a dream tonight: It was kind of horror... I was on a concert I want to visit in London(in about two weeks) and wich I look forward too for ages now...And I HAD NO CLOTHES!!! NOT EVEN MY "FATEST FAT SKIRTS" AND THE BAGGIEST BAGGYPANTS COULD FIT ME ANYMORE I went there in a pregnancy-dress Lord, I felt so ashamed...

Well, the morning went along... And I was just sad and bored and lonely and depressedThere was not really a reason... well yes: I felt bloated and ugly looking today(Have a bad hair day ) Else it was just as it was..Its a bit cloudy and grey outside and I was freezing like stupid... just sitting arround... I was not really down and nothing could really cheer me up either...hm... so far so okay...
BUT IN THE EARLY AFTERNOON THE DEAMONS ARRIVED!!!!
Thoughts like WHAT THE F*** IS ALL THIS ABOUT? WHY ISNT THERE ANYONE FOR ME WHO TAKES ME INTO HIS/HER ARMS AND CHEERS ME UP? ANYONE WHO CARES? ANYONE WHO MAKES IT WORTH GETTING THROUGH THOSE DAYS? ANYTHING TO LIVE FOR ACTUALLY? WHY NOT JUST FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF HAVING A BIG PITYPARTY (Allone!!! I don't WANT ANYONE joining my life and my sadness and my pity for myself! COZ THAT IS COMFORTABLE! NO NEED TO CARE FOR ANYTHING/ONE... And why not having something fat and tasty and unhealthy to eat when you watch tv?... Something... NOOOO, YOU CAN HAVE WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!! I mean... someone who is so allone...such a poor girl... NOONE LIKES YOU!, NOONE LOVES YOU! NOONE EVEN CARES! AND FAT AND UGLY ARE YOU ANYWAY!! You deserve to be sad and to feel so pity about yourself! You deserve at least all foods in the world... AND YOU DONT HAVE TO SHARE! Its everything for you! It will make you warm and comfortable! COOKED FOOD IS NICE TO YOU! IT IS YOUR FRIEND YOU AND ITS NOT DEMANDING ANYTHING FROM YOU
This was the little devil on my shoulder telling me today...
F*** off you little liar! SHUT UUUUUUUUUP Thats what I was yelling inside... *grummel*grmpf* well...

I felt like a tiger in the cage... running up and down(waving with the tail ), roaring and attacing the bars...
And I started lurking through the kitchen.... opened the fridge... what was in there?? hmpf...

3 slices stinky old cheese
a glass of chocolate cream (probably only two tablespoons left)
mixed pickles
a little piece of dry bread I never liked
Instant mashed potatoes
pasta

IS THAT WORTH GIVING UP THE BENEFITS? What would it give me? Cheese? Down in 3 seconds, chocolatecream? Will taste soooooooooooo sweet and aggressive that it makes your throat so sore that its really hard to swallow(THAT IS TRUE!! I TRIED THAT FIVE MILLION TIMES! Chocolate is most disappointing as a start of a binge ), the rest unattractive anyway

IS THAT WORTH GIVING UP EVERYTHING I GOT Honestly?

While thinking that the THE ANGER IN THE TIGER AWOKE FOR REEEEEEAL And
*BANG*I slammed the door of the fridge!! NEVER EVER WOULD IT BE WORTH IT!!

My mind was smoking at this moment... and I RUUUUUUUUSHED into the bathroom to the mirror... GIRL: LOOK! SERIOUSLY!! DO YOU WANT TO GIVE UP THIS RADIANT ÜBER-BIG WONDERFULL EYES (I had to find something I liked today;) )FOR 3 SLICES DISGUSTING CHEESE AND TWO TABLESPOONS OF CHOCOLATECREAM? Do you really mean that?

And *RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSH* back into the kitchen an big panic glass of water! Then RUUUUUUUUUSH I passed by the fridgethrough the door and to my notebook! Logg in at rawfoodtalk! Posted one entry into the may-thread! *Uuuuuff breathing* And I felt already a bit better! The desperation, anger and panic was AWAAAAAAY!:)

Though.. still... sad, bad... and the devil at its position...

And the I went out to my horsie (Lucky) and went for a ride! My mind was completely there! I totally forgot about everything that happened! For one hour every problems I ever had VANSIHED! Yay... And Lucky did such a great job again... and even the sun broke through the clouds...And that finally cheered me up!

And then I came in again. My mum had just returned from shopping: And she brought SO MANY SUPERYUMMI food for me!! The best fruits and veggies ever and manyof the ripe and god already!!

AND ALL MY CRAVINGS WHERE GONE! THE LITTLE DEVIL KICKED INTO HIS A** OURT OF MY WORLD AND LOCKED OUT! Well, to be fair... The cravings hadnt exactly gone: NOW I WAS CRAVING SALAD WITH CUKE OCH AVO AND GRAPES AND WATERMELOOOOOOOOONE

And I admit: I still feel not great... I am bloated... and dunno... so empty... BUT HEY MY MIND LIGHTENED COMPLETELY UP! AND NO THOUGHTS ABOUT WHAT ELSE MYMUM MAY HAVE BOUGHT! I WONT EVEN CHECK THAT OUT!

and please everyone: tell me:

AM I A HERO?? DO I DESERVE TO WEAR THE SUPERMAN CATSUIT NOW?

My advice to anyone... when you are at this point: Go out into the nature, blow your head away with music you like, walk for an hour (if you dont have a horse that does this job on really speedy pace for the adrenalin ) Wash out your worries with happy thoughts in your happy little world... everyone has this source! And its not FOOD!

Kiss and blessings!
Punk
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Comments

  1. Suzanne in Texas's Avatar
    Here's a big hug for you, Punk... I had a crappy day yesterday too... I'm so sorry you had such a rotten day! Be strong... sending some positive energy your way... :)
  2. punkspirit's Avatar
    I almost forgot: One binge option was also some old dry snack-"brezel". Those that almost brought your dear president Mr.B. to death when he tried to swallow and fell off the couch againstthe edge of a table (I dont want to die this way)!
  3. LoveLife's Avatar
    So sorry u had such a tough day..but it seems you found the angel on your other shoulder..Lucky!! your horse...and everyone knows that horses are better than demons any day ..hope your day ends on a happy note..maybe u should try finding your fav. parts about yourself every night..and then compliment yourself b4 bed every night..until it's second nature:)
  4. StarFire's Avatar
    rrroooowwwwww.... here kitty kitty!!!

    Not just Superwoman but Catwoman all rolled into one!! WHOOOOHOOOO!!! Girl -- you kicked butt today! Looks to me like Lucky deserves a carrot AND an apple ;) !! Some people have invisible planes - and you SuperHERO... have a winged horse!! (now that's cool! )
  5. Elfie's Avatar
    ROARRRRRRRRRRYou go PunkTigger!
    Must have been in the stars, I had my first monkey on my back in a long time...tempting me with the taste of BBQ sauce. Oh how I wanted to taste cooked tomatoes and brown sugar. Wondered around, stomped around and looked in the fridge a dozen times. Today is a new day. Congratulations PSpirit for overcoming your devils, you sure are a Rawz'n Super Hero
  6. Elfie's Avatar
    Oh and remember that you may feel lonely but you are never alone. We are all on this journey together, one big conga line of Raw Gods and Godessess :)
  7. Vassargirl's Avatar
    oh my, the gra-humpilys. Been there done that! You do deserve someone special to hug you and share your thoughts with. You have beautiful heart and soul and no doubt you will find that in time. BUT, from an old married woman,...
  8. Vassargirl's Avatar
    who absolutely adores her husband....just relax and take a breath. Lean on your friends (includes us ) until it passes. And it will, too. The hardest thing is to be with yourself, that is what makes meditating so difficult. Rather than just rest the mind, we often let thoughts interrupt that meditation. I hope you are feeling better. And such a good job for staying raw. Very awesome, PS. Take very good care. -DJ
  9. tames's Avatar
    Next time that happens, when you feel all alone and like no one loves you, just think to yourself: NO WAIT, LISA IS OVER THERE IN AMERICA AND SHE ADORES ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Punkspirt, You are my super HERO. My total inspiration. It's definitely your turn for the Xena costume (and then I want it next!)
  10. penelope192's Avatar
    Punk!! We love you!!! You go girl!! Emotions are a crazy thing and you battled through them like a champ. You deserve to wear whatever type of suit you like. . . cat, dog, tiger, what ever you like!!!!


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