The Devil Inside
byon 05-08-2007 at 12:11 PM (322 Views)
Anyone know this song of INXS?
Even before I got up this morning I already KNEW that this day would turn out a bit well...dunno... I JUST WAS NOT WELL!!!
It began with a dream tonight: It was kind of horror... I was on a concert I want to visit in London(in about two weeks) and wich I look forward too for ages now...And I HAD NO CLOTHES!!! NOT EVEN MY "FATEST FAT SKIRTS" AND THE BAGGIEST BAGGYPANTS COULD FIT ME ANYMORE I went there in a pregnancy-dress Lord, I felt so ashamed...
Well, the morning went along... And I was just sad and bored and lonely and depressedThere was not really a reason... well yes: I felt bloated and ugly looking today(Have a bad hair day ) Else it was just as it was..Its a bit cloudy and grey outside and I was freezing like stupid... just sitting arround... I was not really down and nothing could really cheer me up either...hm... so far so okay...
BUT IN THE EARLY AFTERNOON THE DEAMONS ARRIVED!!!!
Thoughts like WHAT THE F*** IS ALL THIS ABOUT? WHY ISNT THERE ANYONE FOR ME WHO TAKES ME INTO HIS/HER ARMS AND CHEERS ME UP? ANYONE WHO CARES? ANYONE WHO MAKES IT WORTH GETTING THROUGH THOSE DAYS? ANYTHING TO LIVE FOR ACTUALLY? WHY NOT JUST FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF HAVING A BIG PITYPARTY (Allone!!! I don't WANT ANYONE joining my life and my sadness and my pity for myself! COZ THAT IS COMFORTABLE! NO NEED TO CARE FOR ANYTHING/ONE... And why not having something fat and tasty and unhealthy to eat when you watch tv?... Something... NOOOO, YOU CAN HAVE WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!! I mean... someone who is so allone...such a poor girl... NOONE LIKES YOU!, NOONE LOVES YOU! NOONE EVEN CARES! AND FAT AND UGLY ARE YOU ANYWAY!! You deserve to be sad and to feel so pity about yourself! You deserve at least all foods in the world... AND YOU DONT HAVE TO SHARE! Its everything for you! It will make you warm and comfortable! COOKED FOOD IS NICE TO YOU! IT IS YOUR FRIEND YOU AND ITS NOT DEMANDING ANYTHING FROM YOU
This was the little devil on my shoulder telling me today...
F*** off you little liar! SHUT UUUUUUUUUP Thats what I was yelling inside... *grummel*grmpf* well...
I felt like a tiger in the cage... running up and down(waving with the tail ), roaring and attacing the bars...
And I started lurking through the kitchen.... opened the fridge... what was in there?? hmpf...
3 slices stinky old cheese
a glass of chocolate cream (probably only two tablespoons left)
a little piece of dry bread I never liked
Instant mashed potatoes
IS THAT WORTH GIVING UP THE BENEFITS? What would it give me? Cheese? Down in 3 seconds, chocolatecream? Will taste soooooooooooo sweet and aggressive that it makes your throat so sore that its really hard to swallow(THAT IS TRUE!! I TRIED THAT FIVE MILLION TIMES! Chocolate is most disappointing as a start of a binge ), the rest unattractive anyway
IS THAT WORTH GIVING UP EVERYTHING I GOT Honestly?
While thinking that the THE ANGER IN THE TIGER AWOKE FOR REEEEEEAL And
*BANG*I slammed the door of the fridge!! NEVER EVER WOULD IT BE WORTH IT!!
My mind was smoking at this moment... and I RUUUUUUUUSHED into the bathroom to the mirror... GIRL: LOOK! SERIOUSLY!! DO YOU WANT TO GIVE UP THIS RADIANT ÜBER-BIG WONDERFULL EYES (I had to find something I liked today;) )FOR 3 SLICES DISGUSTING CHEESE AND TWO TABLESPOONS OF CHOCOLATECREAM? Do you really mean that?
And *RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSH* back into the kitchen an big panic glass of water! Then RUUUUUUUUUSH I passed by the fridgethrough the door and to my notebook! Logg in at rawfoodtalk! Posted one entry into the may-thread! *Uuuuuff breathing* And I felt already a bit better! The desperation, anger and panic was AWAAAAAAY!:)
Though.. still... sad, bad... and the devil at its position...
And the I went out to my horsie (Lucky) and went for a ride! My mind was completely there! I totally forgot about everything that happened! For one hour every problems I ever had VANSIHED! Yay... And Lucky did such a great job again... and even the sun broke through the clouds...And that finally cheered me up!
And then I came in again. My mum had just returned from shopping: And she brought SO MANY SUPERYUMMI food for me!! The best fruits and veggies ever and manyof the ripe and god already!!
AND ALL MY CRAVINGS WHERE GONE! THE LITTLE DEVIL KICKED INTO HIS A** OURT OF MY WORLD AND LOCKED OUT! Well, to be fair... The cravings hadnt exactly gone: NOW I WAS CRAVING SALAD WITH CUKE OCH AVO AND GRAPES AND WATERMELOOOOOOOOONE
And I admit: I still feel not great... I am bloated... and dunno... so empty... BUT HEY MY MIND LIGHTENED COMPLETELY UP! AND NO THOUGHTS ABOUT WHAT ELSE MYMUM MAY HAVE BOUGHT! I WONT EVEN CHECK THAT OUT!
and please everyone: tell me:
AM I A HERO?? DO I DESERVE TO WEAR THE SUPERMAN CATSUIT NOW?
My advice to anyone... when you are at this point: Go out into the nature, blow your head away with music you like, walk for an hour (if you dont have a horse that does this job on really speedy pace for the adrenalin ) Wash out your worries with happy thoughts in your happy little world... everyone has this source! And its not FOOD!
Kiss and blessings!