A Little of This; A Little of That
Depressed and Suicidal
Recently I've been watching a show called S.W.A.T. (not the long ago t.v. series) and saw how the "negotiators" interacted with those barricaded with or without hostages.
I realize they only show bits and pieces of what's really going on and what's really being said yet, from what they show it's just textbook training, not life. If they talked to me when I was suicidal I'd have killed myself ~ as many of them do. Why? They show no compassion for what's going on with the ~ hmmm, don't know what to call him (it's usually a "him"... so, I'll just call him "perp" unless I come up with something better before finishing this.)
Himself and I talked about how I'd probably be a really good negotiator ~ left to my own devices, especially having dealt with suicidal depression. Why? Because I know what it felt like to always feel like no one is on your side; everything you do is wrong; what's the point in going on?
I was considering this and wondering what changed for me? Why did I, all of a sudden, stop feeling that death was the only way out?
Well, one thing was was when I was 13, I was considering ways to do it and I thought that if I had the courage to kill myself, then, I also had the courage to live and find out where my life was going to go. (A thought I remembered numerous times throughout my life.) (Also, if you want to call suicide "the coward's way out" think about how you are afraid to leave that job or that lousy relationship because your monkey mind is saying that "something is better than nothing" or "being alone is worse" or, the "the next one might be worse", etc. Even though it's where we originally came from, death is as unknown to us as life is. It takes courage to die especially by one's own hand. LMAO! I'm just remembering that I thought I was such a screw up that I probably couldn't even kill myself right and would end up being a vegetable for the rest of my life. One more thought that kept me alive.)
Not sure where I'm going with this other than one thought was, if one kills him/herself, they may miss that great turnaround where life becomes joy!
Oh! I know why I started this. I was thinking about gang members and how they feel they HAVE to join a gang in order to survive where they are. Many of them are amazingly intelligent, very sensitive and scared.
They often have to create this persona of toughness just to stay alive when in reality, they're not who they appear to be externally.
What turned my life around was in finding who I really am, not who I pretended to be. When my teacher first told me "you don't know who you are", I had no idea what he was talking about. Of COURSE I know who I am. Well, I didn't. I felt I had to BE tough in order to survive. Well, not true. I have to be me in order to thrive!