This is my Nineveh!
It's been a rough couple months. I keep looking back at where I've been over the past decade as approach that looming birthday... you know.. the one where you celebrate the first anniversary of your 29th year?
Despite the setbacks, I have to focus on how far I've come and not on the negatives.
- My comphy size 10's (13 missies) are growing snugger.
- My skin is back to being a horrible mess.
- I'm loosing my sex drive
- I'm feeling down and discouraged with my life overall.
- My brain feels foggy and muddled.
- I eat constantly throughout the day, and not necessarily the things I should be
- Overall, I'm just depressed.
And fight and fight and fight and fight some more to remember how far I've come:
- I beat Diabetes once, I can do it again.
- I've only had two seizures in six months down from nearly three times weekly.
- I graduated high school pushing size18/20 pants and 24 for tops (though I squeezed into things much smaller).
- I'm working in the video game industry, where I wanted to end up after deciding being a doctor was not for me.
- I'm educated and know how to defeat my health problems and just need to do it!
- I love and am loved.
And here I am, transitioning back.
I skipped the coffee first thing this morning... even though I feel like I'm dragging (pardon the word choice here) ass today. I feel fatigued and just overall blah and despite self realization and working to motivate myself to keep transitioning back... (cold turkey does more horrible things to my body than a general detox and throws me into a period of days where food doesn't stay down or in) and keep finding motivation.
I started simple today. WATER.
I replaced my normal morning of poptarts and special kay cereal bars with two bananas and a bowl of watermelon. (7/11 FTW! Even if it's not 100% organic, it's a step in the right direction.) And I noticed that they're bringing in LARA BARS! (A major win for me! There's a tag on the shelf for them so they should be in soon!)
It may sound silly but this replacement was a big step for me. Despite knowing what I had to do, I was resisting.
I take a deep breath as I sip on my water and munch down a banana and remind myself that this is progress and that I can keep moving forward.
And then my inspiration walks in the door.
He sits across from me at work and was for awhile one of my closest friends. At 6'7 I don't want to guess how much he weighs, but I know there's at least 3 of me in there.
The scary thing is that when it comes down to it, when I look at him, I see what would have been myself if I hadn't taken control in the past and beat down the weight and health issues more than once.
I also remember that I could still go down that road.
That terrifies me.
It breaks my heart too. He battled the demons of food addiction and made it so far but just gave up....
I don't want to give up.
Those kinds of thoughts give me chills.. not the good kind.
I want to be a writer. I want to permanently kick diabetes. I want to live a healthy green lifestyle and enjoy the abundant life. I want to heal my body, my mind and my spirit and even have children of my own.
I want to be happy... not just superficially happy but independently happy.
And I know I can do it.
And in knowing how to do it and how to be happy and reach those goals and knowing I slipped so far back is a slippery slope because I tend to focus on the set backs and that in and of itself.. is ridiculously depressing....and so exhausting.
So I'm going to drink my water, eat my fruit, take my puppies (yes plural.. puppies... 2 Cairne Terriers at home) for a walk when I get home and focus on the baby steps moving forward.
I know I can do this!