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...lol, it's too defeating if I fall and then have to start my counting over...a little thing, but it really is very discouraging.

I don't know what I'll title my blogs here as though...any suggestions? Maybe just whatever random thing strikes me.

Where am I at? well FYI I have been at this raw thing for a couple of years in total. This year was definately my most successful with two extended stints of all raw. I can Feel another one coming on but I almost panic when I think it through...I worry about 'what if I fall off the wagon', lose all that I gained...again no less.

Then I think, maybe I could just be one of those people you come across that does high raw...why can't I just be high raw? So I try and be high raw...almost more torture than being all raw and falling off the wagon for me ...you would think not, but I just keeeeeeep pushing the envelope more and more till I am basically just a SAD eater who talks about raw a lot.

My latest attempt was to try and put some specific parameters on my high raw...like it will only be on weekends and it will only be vegetables, or maybe some rice...and then I think about spaghetti sauce...or peanut sauce. And then I miss bread and butter to go with it. I can't even suggest parameters to myself without pushing the envelope...all in my mind.

Meanwhile...I'm actually gaining weight. I need to lose it for a multitude of reasons obviously, hormones being my biggest issue right now...it's causing estrogen dominance which has now led to endometriosis and cystic breasts, acne, ovarian cysts, and me just being way too sensitive sometimes. Like I actually really do need to lose this weight and get healthy...I have all the symptoms of estrogen dominance pretty well EXCEPT cancer. ...so it's a no brainer, but yet I am continuing to toy with myself.

This has led to some revelations as I analyze my obstacles...my real true obstacles. I really do believe that if I could address these that I could approach this project with a rational mind, that I really could be one of those people that has a vegan stew or a baked sweet potato on the side of my salad, or some store bought hummus and still be ok. ...because it's the binging gateway, and what I'm doing is finding Some reason Any reason to binge...like an alcoholic would find reasons to drink.

The other day I read a study done on mice. They took mice that had had stressful youths, they fed some 'comfort food' and others not and found that the stress levels decreased in those having comfort food. I think this explains a lot actually...that I am eating to settle stress.

The more I thought about this, the more I began to realize that every one I know that is overweight has one of two things...anxiety or is very emotional. Always one of the two...sometimes I have both, lol.

And everyone I know who is 'naturally thin' tends to approach life a bit differently. Not talking about skinny people with eating disorders, I mean people who are thin because they don't overeat in the first place. They have a certain calmness about them. And if they're sensitive, they cry it out or whatever, they feel what they need to feel in the moment. A few might have anxiety issues but they seem to get exercise to burn it off that way.

So I think that's my missing link...and I've been feeling and talking about some stuff I've been through that were bringing me down the last few days and really analyzing them with my beloved posse of friends and it felt really good to give voice to it and have someone else recognize it...this person happens to be 'naturally thin' and she just cried for/with me. That's what she does...that's kind of the secret. Pay homage to your pain...I don't have to dwell, that's not what I mean exactly.

Anyways...I haven't binged since and what I have been eating has been mostly raw and healthy :)