What am I so afraid of? (Day 130)
I've always been a pretty shy and reserved person on the outside. The kicker though is that that's not really who I WANT to be. I want to be good at small-talk, have the ability to chat up anybody, anywhere and bounce around totally uninhibited. I've come to the conclusion that being shy and reserved is nothing more than a pretty name for FEAR. I don't talk much unless spoken to because I'm afraid I'll sound ridiculous. I don't do XYZ because I'm afraid of what people will think of me or that I'll just look stupid. By not being the person that I want to be though, I'm not living my life to the fullest. I'm shortchanging myself.
The past few days there have been two things that have brought unnecessary fear into my life. First, I went through my closet after going clothes shopping and pulled out all of the clothes that were WAY too big for me. There were quite a few! I folded them up and piled them neatly on the floor with the intention of Freecycling them. And then... fear. What if I need them again? What if I "slip" and end up gaining all the weight back? What if? What if? Believe it or not, this is the first time I've actually contemplated the possibility of the weight ever coming back since I went raw 4 months ago. That is a feat in and of itself but, why all the fear? It's so unnecessary.
Then, DH and DS came home from karate the other night and told me all about a Mother's Day cardio kickboxing class they're having at the dojang next week. My first reaction was, 'dude that would be SO much fun.' And then... fear. What if I look stupid out there? What if people laugh at me? What if I get exhausted and can't finish? I'm uncoordinated, what if I can't get the moves down?
I hate fear; it's so confining and restricting. I don't want to live in fear because, at the end of the day, a fear-filled life isn't really living at all, it's just existing.
4 lettuce wraps (tomato, chives, marinated mushrooms & mustard)