contessa20

Lately things in my life have been unfolding like a delicate piece of origami. There are patterns on the page that I didn't know were there and creases in places I don't yet understand. I like that. It's kind of mysterious and exhilarating getting to know oneself on a deeper level.

Since I turned 30 last Friday I've taken a bit ribbing about life being over, getting old and it all being downhill from here. I'm taking it all in stride because I know it's meant in jest but, well, it's given me pause. I've spent a lot of time with myself this past week thinking about what I want my 30's to look like and it's come down to this one tenet...

I WANT TO BE FREE.

What does freedom look like? Hmm... that's a hard question requiring much more introspection when it's something you've never really experienced before. As a kid I went straight from my father's house to my grandparent's house to my marriage house. I never had a moment to just be alone with myself, to figure out what I wanted in life. I did what was expected of me -- graduated high school, got married, had a baby, the end. While I lament that choice, I accept that it absolutely WAS my choice and it can't be changed. I can, however, change the future.

Right now, for me, I see freedom as the ability to get up and go whenever the mood strikes, to do things that I've never done before, to say YES with no fear or hesitation. To do the things I've always wanted to do even if there's no reason under the sun why I would want to. Want to learn Swahili? Want to read a book on ancient Greek mythology? Want to go on an archaeological dig? Want to go for a long walk to nowhere? Why? Just because I'm alive and I can. That is a pet peeve of mine -- that we have to have a reason for everything. That we have to have a 5 yr. plan, a contingent 5 yr. plan and a contingent for the contingent 5 yr. plan. Why not just live and do because the mood strikes you? I've always thought this way but I suppressed it after my family made fun of me and called me "unfocused" and "uncommitted" when I couldn't decide, at 15, what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I see how absurd that mentality is now, though at the time I thought there was something wrong with me.

So, what tangible things do I want to see and do in my 30's? Oh, that's a long, long, LONG list. I'm starting, though, by doing one of those things this weekend. Our church hosts the banquet for a Kenyan orphanage every spring. For years now I've worked in close relation with this orphanage through our missions committee at church. I've wanted to attend the banquet every. single. year. but haven't for this or that reason. It's too expensive. Nobody will go with me. *squawk squawk squawk* Well, this Saturday I'm going to the banquet all myself and I'm going to enjoy every minute of it.

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Okay, so for today... I was supposed to go to lunch with my grandmother but since it's raining that plan went down the tubes. Instead I'll get some exercise done this morning (which I have been sorely neglecting the last few days), wash the dishes and then iron while DS9 and I watch Huckleberry Finn. At some point I'd like to veg and read too but we'll see.

Tomorrow I'm still planning a hike to the theater to see the new Witch Mountain movie (we watched the two old ones last night), lunch and playing at the park.

Ooooh and finally, I hit 30 lbs. released this morning. :::squeals::: I still have 2 lbs. to go to hit my 150 goal though. Can you tell I really like round numbers?

Exercise today:
4 miles Walk Away the Pounds (indoor walking)
100 push ups
100 crunches
500 reps. thigh master


Food today:
mango
2 slices spinach white pizza
banana/mango "water ice" (frozen smoothie)
big salad (lettuce, purple cabbage, radish sprouts, carrots, celery, tomatoes, radish, spinach dip, rawcotta cheeze)
5 kumquats