title

another rambling blog entry:

when I start to look and feel good
I go into a halting mode
don't want to get too 'perfect'
afraid my success makes others
uncomfortable and resentful

example: DJ nickname in cheerleading
(note - at cheerleading camp in highschool, we gave each other nicknames.
Mine was DJ like the character on Full House)
they said because
"nothing is wrong with you"
didn't feel loved because of it
felt judged and like they resented me

when I perceive myself as something
that others are jealous of
I immediately destruct myself
to go back to their level
don't want to make them feel
uncomfortable or unworthy
lower myself to not overshine them

happens at work too
when I get too much recognition
and it intimidates people
example: the golden circle
(note - when I started my job 3yrs ago, I was frequently praised by the executives of the company.
my coworkers always griped that I was in "the golden circle")
two pronged feelings
enjoyed the positive attention
from the bosses
but knew it was separating me from peers
wanted to fit in and have them like me
so downplayed my success
and reduced my standards to blend in

both times I accomplished
my goal of acceptance
but did that make me happy?
not really
I still felt isolated
and even worse because I lost
my self confidence and pride