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I took a long hot bath last night. I was having some 'cleansing' symptoms (I don't say 'detox' because that seems very negative to me, and I don't want to give it that kind of energy) so I did an ayurvedic massage, salt scrub and salt soak. I did alot of reading and writing and had some realizations and thoughts:

I say I don't want to live here...and that is not entirely true. Moving won't make me happy, *I* will make me happy. There are things I can do to make my environment more akin to what I feel I want to be surrounded with. They all seem so trivial, but I am a visual person and if I am surrounded by what I consider beauty, or things find aesthetically pleasing, I am a happier person.

My other thought/issue/realization came after reading a couple e-books from The Healing Garden site. This is a family that has been raw vegan for 13+ years, and the hubby has been raw vegan for 30+ years. They are amazing, and wonderfully informative. I got many good ideas for raising raw kids, and also could see what I feel I can and cannot do. In the coourse of my reading, I have found that there aren't an abundance of 100% raw vegans around, as it is a very hard lifestyle to maintain. It is so far from mainstream that it is easy to 'fall off the wagon'. Being an obsessive and guilt-full person, I can see how I could be consumed by this in an unhealthy way. The facts are that a raw vegan diet is truely the best way to eat, hands down. But....I have to cook for 4 other people. Granted, we eat better than most people I know by default,(b/c of the allergies) but it is still cooked food. Cooking food kills the enzymes in food, making your body work harder to get the nutrients it needs, thereby making you want to eat more, because you actually need more food to get all the nutrients you need. This makes me bring on the guilt. When you know more you do more...so now I know all this, and it KILLS me to cook food for my kids! I know they are eatiing well, but still...SO, my goal is to still incorporate as much raw as I can into their diets, while being as close to 100% as I can for myself. I believe instinctually, and based on what I have read that the more 'real' foods you can eat, the quicker and better your body will heal. I know that the closer I stay to 100% raw, the easier it will be for me to heal what ails me. I also know myself. I know there will be times I just want xyz, and I cannot be of the mentality that I will beat myself up every time I eat something that is not raw. A happy medium for me will be to allow myself anything as long as it is vegan, wholesome food. I am really serious and committed to this lifestyle, because for me that is what it is. This life change has been a long time coming, and I have never felt so peaceful about a life change to date.

Vegan is not a far stretch for me. I have been vegetarian for 20 years. During that time I have eaten fish and eggs in spurts. There have also been times that the mere thought of eating an egg made me want to hurl, when I think of what an egg is. I find as of late, cooking eggs for my kids has become VERY difficult. Fish, I have not had as much of. I really could take it or leave it, mostly leaving it because I have a really difficult time making peace with eating something with a face.

So, that is where I am at right now.
Yesterday I ate:
Smoothie with pineapples, peach, blueberries, pear, and banana
salad with raw falafels and tahini
goddess bar
salad with raw falafels and tahini
3 fudge balls
2L water- yay!