Metamorphosis

Came online this morning with the intent to write about raw comfort foods. My home page horoscope pops up, "You may be wondering whose shoulder you should cry on". Well, I guess we know whose shoulder I'm going to cry on, that's why I'm here right now.

Yesterday was a sad day. It started out okay. I wrote an entry here, then made a light version of the "Best Coffee Ever", (2 T. cacao and 1/4 cup cashews). Wasn't nearly as satisfying. It was more like an actual beverage than my previous versions which I considered meals. Still good.

Then my aunt arrives. She had just returned from Oakland, CA. My 91 year old grandmother lives in a large senior center there. She had to be moved from her apartment into the skilled nursing facility. She cannot walk, she only weighs 80 lbs, dementia has taken over her brain. She calls everyone Janet, my mother, who has been gone for 2 years. Grandma is being medicated with anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs. She is at the point where there is no recovery, no treatments, only comfort, and little of that.

My aunt had to empty out Grandma's apartment, as ownership of it now reverts back to the senior center. Her van is full of Grandma's stuff. Bless her heart, she brought back all the sentimental items, photo albums, gifts the grandchildren had sent over the years, dishes, hand made pillows, artwork, etc. Not a lot of stuff, because Grandma had given a lot of it away over the years. When she was 70 years old she remarried and moved to Oakland. She gave me quite a few things then. I live in the house that she built in 1958. My husband and I bought it from her in 1993, and got to keep a lot more things that she had left stored in the basement.

After my aunt leaves, my daughter and I start going through the boxes. The hardest part was finding my uncle's things. He was killed in Vietnam in 1966. I was 12. She kept an album of his photos from his army time in Germany and Vietnam. We found a binder of his important certificates, birth, death and everything in between. We found a binder of newspaper articles, letters of condolence from numerous army officials, including President Johnson. Then there was the purple heart, the medals, insignias, dogtags, and personel effects. That was more than I could handle.

Grandma never talked about her son, my Uncle Phil. Except for once. She told me, years later, that she knew he was gone. She was standing at the kitchen sink when she felt him behind her shoulder. He spoke directly into her ear, telling her he was alright.

Right now I'm thinking that Grandma's dementia may be more than that. The lights she says she sees and the invisible people she is talking to...maybe it's her son, Phil, and my mother, Janet, or some of her other loved ones who have passed before her, of which there are many.

Yesterday I was sad, watering up off and on all day. Not actually crying, (like now), but just feeling blue. Turned to food for comfort. Opened a bag of raw pistachios. I don't know how many I ate. For sure it was a lot. Then I fixed a hug plate of marinara sauce with summer squash noodles, topped with walnut-pinenut parm, and chopped oil cured black olives. Then there was dessert. Made raw caramels in the food processor by grinding up dry walnuts, then adding medjol dates, coconut butter and oil, vanilla, and sea salt. Shaped it into little squares and topped them with cacao syrup. Again, don't know how many I ate. Finished most of it before I got any on the plate. Could I have found some solace and comfort in meditataion, or calling a friend? NO! That's not how it works for me. Apparently, IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT THE FOOD!

Don't know how it's going to go today. I'm feeling a bit bound up on all levels. Started my morning with a young coconut blended with pineapple, peach and vanilla bean. Next I'm going to put most of Grandma's things back in the boxes. Then I'm going to take a long walk, until I'm completely exhausted. I'm thinking of sticking with smoothies today. And finishing the raw carmels. Wish I could share them with you. If you read this entire entry, you deserve a treat.



I thank the heavens, the stars, the sun, and the powers that be, for bringing me to this place and time, and for giving me the desire to live the rest of my life on living foods.