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saw my life coach yesterday. revealed my deep dark secret. One that I have kept to myself for more than 2 years, since I had an epiphany. The secret is that I don't think I was ever in love with my dh. More a relationship of convenience and safety. I chose dh because he let me do whatever I wanted. My other relationships were unbalanced in the other direction-me forever trying to chase after, make THEM happy, and all the others treated me like DIRT. I mean really really bad. But dh was safe, never mean, and it was exhilarating to be the one calling the shots...but after 12 years it's gotten old, ya know?

I put it to my therapist like this: Dh has the wife, but not the life he wants (kids, mortgage, obligations, responsibilities, special needs) I have the kids, but not the husband I want (distant, aloof, self absorbed, grouchy, absent-in mind, and soul, and occasionally when ds is having a particularly hard time he is physically absent too)

My coach is encouraging me to tell my dh. I don't want to. I mean I DO and I DON'T, ya know? I know my dh is madly in love with me. seriously. I love him a lot, but his deficits, plus the extra stressors of my children are taking me to point that I just can't "help" my dh anymore.

I have more inner peace, now that I spoke the words out loud to my therapist, but I just can't bring myself to tell me dh. I can't take any MORE stress, ya know? and my dh is emotionally very immature-it will be like telling a 10 year old that his hamster died. LOL. Okay-bad analogy...

I just don't know where to go from here. I feel more "whole" now that I have spoken the truth. I don't want a divorce-I just want a loving supportive husband and a caring and ENGAGED father for my children. None of which I think he is capable of. He's so locked up inside himself that he doesn't even know what he thinks or feels. Seriously. He's told me that. He's like a prisoner in his own head, but he's not held there by racing thoughts, delusions or ideas; he's held there by nothingness, blankness and silence. It's so weird.

I don't know what is going to happen. I just know that my ds#1 could not handle a divorce and so it's not even going to be an option.

I have asked my dh to get counseling for many years now, and he won't. He just plain isn't interested. He's not a bad guy, but it's like his emotional development stopped at 10 or something. He's a very hard working man-he's a good provider, but that's where his obligations and involvement stop. He is nice and funny-as long as you don't ask anything of him. I think the big problem is that I have ACTIVELY worked on getting better for the last 2 years and now we aren't compatible. We were barely compatible before, but now we really aren't. We don't share any values, goals, dreams, aspirations. I'm not angry. In fact I am pretty numb....

I could go on and on, but since I can't say any of this out loud I thought I'd put it here. even tho this journal is private, I plan on deleting it in the next 24 hours.

sigh.