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GGGRRRRRR! I swear I will come back here and erase this post just as soon as my blood stops boiling.

I just feel so frustrated that I have to be a SAHM after TEN YEARS. I am so friggin' bored I could cry. I am not viewed as much more than a maid and cook. I am so effin' tired of picking up after this big family. I'm tired of doing nothing but meeting their needs over and over and over and over and over and over. We never have $ or time to do what *I* want to do. There is no babysitter co-ordinated enough or patient enough or skilled enough (most of you know what I'm referring to.)

I finally put my foot down and told dh that come hell or high water I AM going to the raw potluck tomorrow. I had to be that forceful, which I hate to do, but otherwise I will never get to go. There is something or someone that ALWAYS takes precedence.

To top it off, yesterday ds#1 kicked the principle and slapped a teacher's hand off him. (She was in the right-she was gently touching him because he was so disruptive to the other kids and scaring them that he had to leave the room). The other dc are heralding as a HERO for kicking the principle. Great. Just what he needs-positive reinforcement. Needless to say, I don't think the staff like him much. They don't think the school system can handle him, but there is NO alternative school for higher functioning ASD dc. There are a few in the eastern part of the state, but that's a 2 hour commute one way. Not happening. The only other alt. is to send him to a behavioral school and the Autism Spec. said "But that's like throwing gasoline on a fire" and I agree. The is only 1 school for ASD dc and they don't take dc that can speak, toilet, etc. They only take *severe* spectrum dc.

I just get so tired of this roller coaster. I'm still working on respite. Still waiting on the results of my genetic testing to see if ds#1's genetic "mutation" is hereditary or not. THEN I can submit the finding to DMR.

and WHY all the friggin RED TAPE, man? I guess they want a bunch of grown men on disability???? WHY not make it easy to treat them NOW so they can grow into productive citizens?? And he's still on the waiting list for a counselor...I was put on the waiting list back in Feb.

Sometimes I swear this is not my life. This is why I don't go to church anymore. I give up. Somedays all I can do is just give up.

(I'm sure I will be back to my upbeat self later and erase this post. I just needed to vent and can't say these thing to anyone IRL.)