So out of control!
byon 04-30-2008 at 12:37 PM (821 Views)
I'm utterly disappointed in myself! I'm struggling to do even 5% raw each day. It's horrible! My old aches and pains have come back, as well as sinus congestion, sleeplessness, and 11 of the 20 lbs I lost. I'm miserable. I was looking at a photo that my hubby took of our dogs, and off in the corner there I sit. I know I'm overweight, but my brain doesn't seem to have accepted yet just how badly... the photo doesn't lie.
I do a little running around the yard with the pups now and then (like this morning) and it's so uncomfortable how much the fat bounces and hurts when it's jostling around. I'm failing myself... and you only get to do this (life) once.
I don't know when I got so perpetually "glass-is-half-empty" but I'm there. I want to be happy, perky, and a general plus in everyone's life... but I feel tired... grumpy... negative... and sad. I can't enjoy food... and I can't think. I'm in a constant brain fog.
When I first started the raw thing again in Feb I felt immediate peace, calm and serenity. It felt WONDERFUL. But it didn't take long for the detox symptoms to start... neausia (sp?), not sleeping as well, etc. And I lost my peace and calm. My teeth started to become a problem again (they always do on raw). I just don't understand how I can be soooo toxic when I never smoked... hardly ever drank... and generally led a very wholesome life (except the SAD food). My lower legs are soooo fat! Ankle... what's that? And I'm ONLY 33 years old... and only about 150 lbs. I'm not hundreds of lbs.
I'm kinda sad today b/c my friend just found out she's pregnant with her second child. I'm happy for her (although it is mixed feelings on her end due to her just losing her job and needing to find another while preggers). But I just always figured I would be a mom one day. And I just don't see it ever happening. Most days I can be o'kay with it... but some days it's harder than others. Like today... I feel like just sitting in a closet and crying.
The last thing I need to get off my chest is this. My libido is gone! Has been for quite some time. When my hubby and I first started dating we would be "close" about 2 times a day... and now I could go weeks with no sex. I crave cuddling. But my hubby craves sex. And when I was losing weight during Feb & March it just meant more sex more often. Somehow I just feel like I need time to heal. I don't want him thinking I don't love him or don't want him... I just wish life were easier. I keep finding myself day dreaming about childhood. Not a certain part of my childhood b/c I'd rather forget about then. But the times when I was young, and lean, healthy and had energy... and nothing to worry about. When I still had my dad and could talk to him. O'kay I'm gonna get myself going here... I miss him lots. But I'm at work and can't cry so I'm gonna stop now.
Hopefully everyone's day is going a whole lot better!!!