Feel like I'm breaking down.
byon 04-22-2008 at 06:28 PM (708 Views)
I am here to tear my heart out to everyone who will read.
Every day seems a repeat of the last; I feel like I'm cracking.
There are so many issues there that I am trying to address; health issues, and past issues. I've come to terms with many things but one is still my thantophobia. A bit over 2 years ago, I had a panic attack - and having had the whole "I'm dying" feeling, well, has screwed me up a LOT. I have all these fears now - fears that are relevent to death, like fear of getting sick, fear of hurting myself, fear of being alone and something happening to me, and the most prominent, life-shattering one, a fear of getting a food allergy. I've been devouring every piece of information I can about anaphylactic shock, and yes my rational mind sees I have no symptoms whatsoever when I eat - but when I get anxious about it (which is now at almost every meal time), my anxiety tries to convince me it IS allergies and I'm going to die. I constantly have the fear of dying looming over me, and with such a thing with food - that I cannot simply avoid - it is tearing me up inside. I feel like such a freak for being afraid of food. This particular fear has been here for a few months, and I just pinpointed the cause of my fear of Death today (being the panic attacks and 'feeling' death & being afraid of feeling it again).
I need some help here. Part of me feels like raw will help with the anxiety, ocd, candida, depression, etc etc. But it all feels to good to be true. Especially since all the foods I'm afraid of are raw... Not afraid of eating cheese, which makes me feel like shit, but I am afraid of eating celery. wtf?
I've been faltering back-and-forth between raw since August and the further I go, the more out of reach it seems, because each time around, I get more and more scared of food. Trying new foods is a big one too. I just don't understand it. I'm scared of the things that will help me, that will make me change for the better - why? Am I somehow trying to avoid taking responsibility for myself and not having excuses for being such an unhappy, sad person? Am I afraid of health and happiness? Am I afraid of really putting myself out there and LIVING & reaching my true potential?
Or am I just not ready?
This is really holding me down. Everytime I have a food fear attack, I just get closer & closer to just saying 'fuck it.' Living like this is terrible. You can't be scared of your basic needs!! This is insane and the more I go, the more I fear I AM going insane. I AM afraid for my own sanity. I really need some intuition here. WTF am I supposed to do - just bite the bullet on raw food, go ahead and have panic attacks at every mealtime until it finally -hopefully- goes away? And what if it doesn't? What if it gets worse?
So many what ifs. Such a shitty way to live. I live trapped in fear that going out and actually living will kill me. Wow. Way to go. I don't live, I EXIST. But I have the RIGHT to live, and it's about goddamn time I use it. Please help me see the light. I want to change.