It's a SAD obsession...

[Raspberry4]

I am committing myself to (re)starting tomorrow and I am a bit nervous and excited. I made some salad, Alissa's walnut fudge, sunflower seed pate, and some other dessert concoction. I am as ready as I'm gonna be. I know I am completely addicted to cooked food. I eat until I will surely bust, then manage to eat some more. What is up with that? I cannot stand myself anymore. The pain in my chest should be a major clue to me. I swear I need a swift kick in the .... My dad had a kidney and colon removed to cancer, in March, 2005 and more cancer is back. Another reason to get up and get started NOW! My dad is a recovering alcoholic, his dad was an alcoholic, his brother too. His parents died from cancer. Mom's dad and brother both died from alcohol too. Geez, do I need more reasons? I know of all the benefits to raw. My first time was February 26, 2001 for 14 weeks and I lost 48 pounds, but also felt the best I had in years. Then every year since, I go raw periodically as a way to cleanse. But this time I feel more empowered to make it last. What I like about this group is I do not have to be 100% (even though that is my goal) and you are still accepting. In 2001 alot of the info I read was do it this way 100% or do not even bother. Way too intimidating. I have a strong family/self history of self abuse and compulsion/addiction. That is why I am scared. But I am also excited at the possibility of feeling alive again. I am 45 and I know I am alive because of all the pain I can feel, all the time, every day of my life. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know this is hard to read but I feel if I put it 'out there' I will see it and maybe have it hit home that it is time to do something for myself. The stresses of work, my family, my ADHD kids, my health, my parents health, and my husbands overwork/job stress will still be there, even when I go raw. What I have to do is find a better way to cope. Abusing myself and beating myself up with SAD food is ridiculous!!! I am better than that. Anyway... thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. I hope if anyone else ever felt/feels this way they can understand and please keep me in your best wishes for this exciting journey back to raw/LIVING food! I cannot wait to be successful again and KEEP IT THAT WAY!! :)I want to lose 53 pounds and feel good again - not like an old fat lady. I want to dress well again, not in jeans that do not fit and have to unzip just to keep them on. I want to have people say - you look great. You're 45? No way! I want to walk with a bounce in my step instead of hunched over in pain. I want to hold my head high and feel proud that I am going to be 46. I want to be able to help anyone who is interested in raw food and help them along the way. I want to say I feel terriffic and mean it. Thanks for listening.

[lavendarJ]

Go Rasberry Go... I know you can do it, I read your earlier post and I can tell that you have a sound knowledge base and all the tools you need to be who you want..... Just remember no judgments...it is all a learning process, if you hit bump then oh well...you keep moving and dont stop.....I learn from my mistakes as well as my successes... in fact sometimes I learn more from the mistakes... Your journey is about you and you don't have to compare yourself to anyone else or feel less than, this journey is not about measuring up to anyone else, it is about you discovering who you are, honoring that, and living...sometimes we are our own worst enemies...we are often harder on ourselves than anyone...I had completely stopped all processed anything and ate live foods (after being inspired by Queen Afua's Heal Thyself for Health and Longevity) That was the best 18 months of my life, then I stopped and allowed the old patterns (of pigging out on sweets and starches when stressed) to reign over my life...I can honestly say that ignorance is bliss, it is much harder to eat the wrong foods with full knowledge of it-cause when I made the transition to eat to live, it wasn't only physical, it was emotional, mental and spiritual, my conscious whipped I beat up on myself and felt like a loser, I knew I was wrong, but I did it, I mean really it is comfortable. All my conscious was really trying to get me to do was to recognize that I was worth the journey not to feel bad. I finally made up my mind to embrace this life I want for myself and not allow my family (my mom doesn't know what to think of her weird eating and unmarried daughter, now that I am not eating junk food and soul food she probably thinks I have worsened my chances of getting married cause I will not want to cook for my husband :D ) So anyway....my point (I know I talk a lot sorry :o ) is to live for you and don't stop, learn from the mistakes and rethink your options so that they don't have to be repeated ) I am finally living for me now so that I can be who I was meant to be all along...its funny how life can sidetrack us..... Please be encouraged :) .

[purtyflowrr]

hey raspberry, i am starting tomorrow too. we are in this together. we could be buddies. do you have a screenname or email? we are also both from ohio!!!!! where in ohio are you? i am close to akron.

jules

[Raspberry4]

jules - I would love a buddy. I am close to Strongsville/Brunswick. To email me, just click on my name above and it will give you links to click on to. It would be great to check up on eachother periodically and motivate to keep going. Thank you!
Lavendarj - thanks for the inspiring reply. I will not compare myself - I cannot afford that. I always try to be perfect and I have the all or nothing syndrome. So that has got to go. I feel unthreatened with the raw food and this forum - and it surely helps someone, like me, who is compuslive/obsessive. Thank you for writing.