Getting Rid of Hubby

[newyearspromise]

Hi. I just started raw about 2 days ago.

Fell off the wagon today, ate about 70% raw. All is not lost, but still not good...

I am going to do the 30-day challenge starting tomorrow, but I am having a really hard time with my husband. He makes me feel guilty for not eating food we have in the fridge, and he says things like, "if you keep doing this, we'll never get to eat together/eat at a restaurant again".

Good news is, he is leaving for a 3-week business trip on Sunday. So if I can get through the next few days dealing with him, I should be able to deal with going raw on my own (with the support of you all, of course).

I hate to be excited about him being away for 3 weeks, but I am sure I can do this with him gone (he is the one who always seems to pull me off the wagon), and by the time he returns I think I will be so into it that he won't be able to entice me with things like, "just try ONE BITE"... :eek:

~~Catherine :D

[FloridaBahai]

Catherine,

I can relate in a way. My roommates, father and daughter from the Philippines, make me feel guilty but not because they voice their opposition to my being raw. It's that they offer me things - I'm sure out of politeness and concern.

It'd be wonderfull to have the entire fridge to myself and no bad feeling about refusing their food. I'd miss them but it'd be great to have them take a little vacation for three weeks or so.

I too get my inspiration from all of you here. Even though I don't post that much, I still like to read others' posts and it keeps me going.

Good luck on your 30 day challenge! I'm taking it too but I don't really keep a log any more. I feel like I'm just talking to myself. It works for most and Alissa recommends it in her book.

Is your husband purposely sabatoging your commitment to eating raw or does he just feel left out or concerned? Maybe you could ask for some encouragement, though you shouldn't have to. Is there something he wants to do? You could offer support for each other so long as neither of you are too hard-headed.

You'll find a lot of support, encouragement, inspiration and advice here.

Craig

[Giaya]

Dont feel discouraged. My husband is a SAD eater as well and in the beginning not very supportive. But as time went on and he saw that I was commited he started to come around, in the sense that he doesnt say anything negative, he just stays quiet. When you go to restaurants there are so many things that you can order. Lots of times restaurants will throw somthing together for you, trust me I am a waitress I know they can do this. And, I dont know if you do make negative comments such as, " I dont know what Im going to eat" (I use to do this all the time) but try to maybe yeild from saying these things and use inner thought instead, positive inner thought. The doors are wide open as long as positivity is in play. I am so excited for you and good luck with your new start on life!

Giaya

[Revvell]

No one can "make" you feel any which way. You allow yourselves to be victimized by people who are "trying" to control you. It's all programming. Can you "make" these people feel bad for attempting to "do this to you"? Why would you want to? Sad, isn't it? So many have learned to control people by making them victims and so many play the victim.

Suggestion ~ happily go about living your life; eating what you want, when you want and with whom you want. If someone attempts to "make" you wrong, tell them, "thank you yet, no thank you". I'm quite happy with my food. Would you like some???

See, people like that are not adverse to "trying" to make you feel funny with you eating the most natural food program on earth. Life is too short to play victim. Eat well, play with your food, be happy. :)

Revvell

[earth_sista]

well said, revvell.

[newyearspromise]

Thank you all for your encouragement.

You are right, I should not, CANNOT allow others to MAKE me feel a certain way. I know for sure that if my husband was doing this (raw foods), and I was trying to tell him to eat other things, he wouldn't be swayed by me. I'm not a wimp, but I allow others to guilt me...and it really runs my life more than it should. I was talking to my mother on the phone about this very thing this afternoon. She said she thinks that she and my father were maybe too controlling with me when I was growing up, and that she feels sort of guilty about this, that maybe it made me too easily controlled by others. I don't think my husband MEANS to control me, but I take every single thing to heart. So if he mentions food spoiling and not being able to eat the same dinner as me, well, I get all upset instead of just telling him to bug off. :rolleyes:

Tomorrow is a new day. He is on the phone with his uncle right now, and we still need to get our 8-month old to bed (she is on Tokyo time tonight), but when we are ready for bed, I am going to talk to him about this. I admit that I often get frustrated at restaurants, and that I need to be more optimistic about raw possibilities instead of just pointing out that there is nothing for me on the menu... Maybe a change in my attitude will help, along with some communication from me to him about keeping his thoughts to himself. He LOVES cooking, so maybe I could try to get him to develop some raw recipes? He is also a beanpole and thinks this is proof that the way he eats (LOTS of meat and dairy and I would guess about 3,000 calories a day with zero exercise) is the way everyone should eat. It's only proof to me that genes play a big part in metabolism...

Again, thanks for the encouragement. I think I'll need it again when I go through the detox stage...wooohooo...reading about it from other posts is a little scary, but I will do what I need to do to be healthy and feel good.

~~Catherine

[toni]

I too have been dealing with a non-supportive relative for a little over a year. For a year now my husband (who is SAD, but very supportive), and our kids, and I live in the same house with my mother and in that time and I have had such a hard time with it. She has some very serious health problems and she is the worst kind of SAD eater.

My Mom will do things like bring home the foods that she knows I can't (couldn't) resist, or just when she knows I'm back on raw she'll suggest going out to dinner (which I haven't mastered raw yet), and then act all hurt if I don't eat it or don't want to go out, so I give in. I used to get really angry and hurt about it. My mother has been my excuse for not staying raw for a year now. I think maybe when people who are close to you see that you are making changes for the better it frightens them NOT because they don't want to see you improve your life, but because they are afraid that you are going to expect them to do so as well.

Now, instead of getting angry or hurt about it, I just try and realize that she is who she is and I am who I am and if my going raw makes her afraid then she'll have to deal with that. I am in charge of my life and she is in charge of hers and I will deal with my life in my way as will she.

As much as I would love to see her change her lifestyle and join me I realize that it's not my job to make that happen. It's hers and if she chooses to live in pain and poor health, then that's her choice. The best I can do is be the best I can and do what is right for me, and if I can stay raw and improve my life, then I am showing that it CAN be done and then in that way I can set a wonderful, powerful example. Now that I have adopted that attitude, there's nothing standing in my way.

[girl007]

No one can "make" you feel any which way. You allow yourselves to be victimized by people who are "trying" to control you. It's all programming. Can you "make" these people feel bad for attempting to "do this to you"? Why would you want to? Sad, isn't it? So many have learned to control people by making them victims and so many play the victim.

Suggestion ~ happily go about living your life; eating what you want, when you want and with whom you want. If someone attempts to "make" you wrong, tell them, "thank you yet, no thank you". I'm quite happy with my food. Would you like some???

See, people like that are not adverse to "trying" to make you feel funny with you eating the most natural food program on earth. Life is too short to play victim. Eat well, play with your food, be happy. :)

RevvellBRAVO- Very well said! You are soooooooooooooooooo awesome- a real blessing! Thanks for being you!

The funny thing is many people will watch you eat something bad and encourage it but when you are healthy they always have something to say. I too am learing not to play the victim role. Change can be hard for our partners or S.O., especially because we are now questioning their reality. Though not intentional. Often in their minds it is more about how your health makes him feel less healthy. " If you are on the correct path, it must put him on the incorrect path?" There are a whole host of emotions that people experience but it all comes down to their own reality and belief system being questioned. Often we are prompting people to examine themselves. "Birds of a feather flock together." Remember that? We tend to gravitate towards others who are like us because that is where we feel comfortable. Perhaps he will come around and embrace & respect your path. In the meantime, focus on your goal you can do it!

[Live Free]

When my husband was away for nearly a month. A relief.

I didnt have to go out to eat or I didnt have to smell the meat burning in the house. I could eat what I wanted and feed my baby what I wanted.

I totally understand where you are coming from it is a constant clashing of the minds in my house.

Girl007 I totally agree with what you said. I am searching for a way to deal with my food crisises every day. I dont ever hope to be 100% raw, but totally keeping out the meat and dairy would be a blessing.

My husband wanted to order a pizza last night for himself and my baby to eat. He left one piece for me. I told him before he ordered it that I didnt need any. Some kind of guilt trip or something to not leave any uneaten food. I hate to waste food.

He will never try any of my food, therefore why should I have to eat his? I made him the jalepeno poppers the day he came home and he left them on the counter for two days. I had to throw them out.

I wish you luck and that your husband would respect your decision to do what you want for your body as he does for his. I told my husband that I would never ask him to eat something that he didnt want to and therefore I would expect the same in return.

I have been learning about raw foods since December 2004. Therefore I have changed my eating habits for over a year now. I am loving raw foods.

Take care,

[Raspberry4]

NYP - that is an excellent idea - asking him to come up with recipes and even have him chop/dice things if he likes to do that. When I started I told my husband it would be difficult - or at least an adjustment - for us at first but I needed to do this for my weight, and more importantly for my health. I also told him that if he wanted to go out with our boys for dinner I would have no problem with that at all and I would expect them to enjoy themselves. I always showed him my "dinner" creations and would say - boy doesn't that look nice - all the colors and he would even sometimes say ya it looks good or it smells good. And as he saw me losing weight and feeling a whole lot better - the issue never had to be brought up again. I hope it works out for you. It is hard sometimes cooking for 3 SAD eaters - but it is fun too when they try some of my dishes or desserts. PS - I received 3 pounds of dates today (mail order) and my oldest son said yea mom can I have some? I had to smile to myself as he would prefer dates over the SAD candy. Yea - a victory for me. Let us know how you are doing and if hubby comes up with some good menu ideas.

[rawpriestess]

My health and my lifestyle are my choices.

I would NEVER spend time with anyone who did not support my magnificense, and I in turn, would always support the choices of the people I love. I would certainly never try to control them either.

If you are feeling that someone is "making" you do something, you are being the victim, there can be no victims, without tyrants.

So, if you aren't the victim, he can't be the tyrant.

He may TRY to be a tyrant, he may TRY to control you, with words that He thinks will MAKE you feel guilty, but it is up to you to accept his tyranny, and his controlling actions or not.

When you don't accept a gift from someone, they get to keep it.

But, my big question here is "Why would you live with someone who treats you like this?"

I mean for what purpose are you staying with this person?

Do you think you DESERVE to be treated this way?

Do you think it is your and his best interest to allow him to treat you in an unkind and unsupportive way?

Do you wish to live this way for the rest of your life?

How long are you willing to allow someone to treat you in this manner?

You are allowing it you know, by NOT stopping it, you are allowing it.

If I were happy that my hubby was leaving for even an hour, I'd really take a look at why I was with that person in the first place.

But then, that is me, and I wouldn't put up with such abuse under any circumstances NOW. As I lived with abuse like this for years, and now I am too precious to put up with that kind of emotional abuse, I deserve better, and I know it.

Wishing you much joy and love for yourself in ALL of your choices.

[twinee1]

Promise, there is so much good advice I do not think I will add to it. I find that the criticism from others comes in all areas of life. I find when ever I step out and do something beyond what others deem NORMAL....then the criticism come in the form of "concerned but still a putdown" from well meaning loved ones. I am a strong personality so when others done this to me...I forge on ..and succeed....it is MY JOURNEY, my life.

When my husband complains about my diet, my working out, anything I do that he wants to get on me about , I have learned to just smile & go on my way. (this disarms him)...he has the notion that conflict is normal in a home (learned from his parents who fought endlesssly) and I am more into harmony (as I learned from parents who NEVER argued in front of there children). Harmony rules !

[newyearspromise]

First, I would like to say that I am not an abused wife or anything. Maybe I sounded that way in my frustration. I have a husband who loves eating meat and wants me to eat it with him. He can be pushy about it, but I wouldn't call this abusive behavior...I would call it more annoying than anything.

Second, I am not happy for him to leave so that I don't have to be around him, but I think it will be easier for me to really become committed to eating raw without having to smell his food and deal with his offers to try things.

Third, I am very independent, so I do *kind of* enjoy it when he leaves for a couple of weeks at a time. It gives me some real time to myself. I still have to take care of and love on the baby girl, but when she goes to bed at night, I can curl up with a good book or talk on the phone with a friend and not feel like, "Geez, I just ignored Chris all night tonight...".

Having said that, I can really relate to LiveFree about how her husband behaves about the food. I don't even bother to offer any to him. He will ask for it if he wants it. I told him about trying icecream made from frozen fruits yesterday and how I loved it. He poo-pooed it a little, saying it wasn't "real" icecream, and he insists that if you get really high-quality icecream, it won't make you fat.

That is when I point out the fact that in the 8 years he and his ex-wife were married, she gained about 150 pounds on this "real, high-quality food".

Nope, not doing it.

We did have a talk the other night. It was good. I told him that I was going to eat raw and that I needed his support. I do not expect him to eat what I eat, but I need to do what I need to do for my health. End of story. He said he would try to be more supportive. Yesterday we was 300 times better, and even said that the tomato sauce I had made smelled good. Maybe it's a start?

I do believe that others often feel threatened by healthy eating, like we might make them try some and make them feel guilty for their SAD lifestyle. Personally, I don't care about them...sounds mean, but if they want to feel good and be healthy, they will have to come here on their own. I just care about me.

A funny last note--this is how far some people may go to try to defend their SAD way of eating: I was telling my mom about my diet and she said, "Well, if you get pregnant again, of course you will need to eat a "normal" diet again, or at least some meat." I told her I didn't think so, that there were plenty of raw pregnant and nursing women out there who had glowing, healthy babies. I then went on to say that the film "SuperSize Me" was personal proof that nothing could be worse than eating fast food, and that no one out there seems to think that eating McDonalds will kill a baby in the womb or a baby on mommy's milk. THAT was when the conversation got weird, because my mom started to DEFEND MCDONALD'S!!!!!

WHAT?? Am I missing something?? Defending FAST FOOD??

I ended the conversation right there, in a nice way, but said she might want to rent the movie and then think about it again.

Anyway, thanks for all of the advice. I am going to do this!! Day #2 100% raw...I had been about 90% for the last week or so, but I am doing the 30-day challenge now, and all is going wonderfully. :)

[JustMe]

Often in their minds it is more about how your health makes him feel less healthy.

i know this can be fact. one time when i started eating more healthy, my husband asked me one time at lunch if i was going to have any of what he was having (can't remember what it was) and i said 'no i'm going to make something.' He then said jokingly 'no, we are going to eat like normal americans' and i said 'Why? so you wouldn't feel like you were the only one?' and then he sheepishly said 'yes.' oh it was hilarious. and now he jokes with me by asking 'what are you making? oh wait, it's probably something weird with your sprouts' LOL i love him, he's such a goober head and i am blessed that he supports me quietly and in his own way. :p

BUT, i do remember when i told him about this diet and that i wanted to try, he got really upset and worried mainly because he thought i was going to make him eat this way too (i'm the cooker) and i told him not if he doesn't want to and that i would still make him the usuals that we had. so i do think it is more fear-based when people people react this way.

[Revvell]

First, I would like to say that I am not an abused wife or anything. Maybe I sounded that way in my frustration.

Personally, I didn't get that from what you'd said.



.....but I think it will be easier for me to really become committed to eating raw without having to smell his food and deal with his offers to try things. Most definitely.



Third, I am very independent, so I do *kind of* enjoy it when he leaves for a couple of weeks at a time. It gives me some real time to myself. I still have to take care of and love on the baby girl, but when she goes to bed at night, I can curl up with a good book or talk on the phone with a friend and not feel like, "Geez, I just ignored Chris all night tonight...".


Having said that, I can really relate to LiveFree about how her husband behaves about the food. I don't even bother to offer any to him. He will ask for it if he wants it. That's how it is here although mine doesn't poo poo or anything. I just know he's not eating as I am currently. No biggie unless I make it so.

We did have a talk the other night. It was good. ...Yesterday we was 300 times better, and even said that the tomato sauce I had made smelled good. Maybe it's a start? Talking about it and clearing the air was a start. Great that he was willing to do so AND acknowledge that something you made smelled good.



.... make them feel guilty for their SAD lifestyle. Another of those ~ you can't "make" someone feel something they don't already feel.

Personally, I don't care about them...sounds mean, but if they want to feel good and be healthy, they will have to come here on their own. I just care about me.

Excellent! I have a friend who, when she was "confronted" about what she ate told someone "personally, you could eat cut glass for all I care". She is currently 78 years old and went on a 4 1/2 hour hike with us last weekend.

Revvell

[joannes]

My husband is not raw, vegan or vegetarian .. but he will eat what I make and then I add more to it just for him. This has kept the peace in our family. Whatever he wants, I make it for him - even meat, but he only has it a few times a month. Thankfully he understands that I feel much better this way, although he is not willing to try it himself. Maybe some day. For now, we will continue as we are. Example - this morning I made the kids a large fruit smoothie with celery and he had a glass. I did not make the smoothie big enough, so I just had a few pounds of grapes and the kids had extra apples. I made him scrambled eggs with peppers, onions and tomatoes and wrapped it in a ww tortilla shell. He comes home for lunch - I will serve him homemade soup and garlic bread along with a green smoothie made of bananas and spinach that the kids and I will have for lunch. For dinner he and the kids will have spaghetti (rice pasta with a half raw sauce) and I will have all raw spaghetti - using zucchini as the 'noodles' topped with a raw tomato sauce. We will all have a big salad before dinner.
I have learned that my attitude has a lot to do with it. He is not going to change just because I tell him it's better for his health. I make and serve his meals with a true smile on my face and continue to eat all raw. I do not mention ANYTHING to him about how I eat so healthy and his diet is poor. Of course I hope some day that he will at least give it a try, but I do not waste my breath trying to convince him of something he is totally not ready to accept. Did all that make sense? Keep the peace without compromising your beliefs.

[Live Free]

NYP, I am a lot like you. I think of myself as independent woman, with her own mind. I have my own business and I take care of my household well.
But I do enjoy my time by myself.

When my husband is away. I do talk on the phone with my friends. I go to bed early and read my raw books after I put my daughter in bed. This is the life.

I am always fearful that if I eat something that isnt a perfect food that I will be sick. I have to somehow relay that message to my husband so that maybe he will lay off even more.

Keep going NYP

[newyearspromise]

joannes-- Thanks for the advice on how to bridge things. I think that if I can find a raw substitute for things my husband makes for dinner, we might be able to eat together and it wouldn't be a deal at all. He loves to cook, and cooks his own dinners. I almost think he feel slightly rejected that I don't eat his food anymore. Hmmm...maybe if I try to eat with him, similar things, it might become normal for us and no longer an issue at all.

Live Free-- Yes, I agree we are very similar. My husband and I are both military officers, I run an office/supervise 8 people, and really enjoy my career. But I am also a homebody and sort of like being alone sometimes. So when my husband goes away, unlike most spouses, I really enjoy the time. I do miss him, but I have always tried to make the most of it, and this has turned into me actually looking forward to my alone times. :)

I just wonder why our husbands feel so threatened by our food choices. I have to ask myself, why does he care what I choose to put in my mouth and chew and swallow?? I know there seem to be several reasons (we have already discussed), but still, it seems odd.

:confused:

[raeannasun]

Great discussion here!!!!

I just wanted to interject that if you want to go out to a restaurant with your hubby that the best thing I've found is to eat before and then order a plain salad with raw veggies and balsalmic and vinegar. My husband gets very embarrased if I ever bring food along with me so this method works the best.

OR,

I've also had a lot of success in printing out "I'm on a Raw-Vegan Diet" business card and give it to the waiter to give to the chef. It asks the chef to prepare a plate of just fresh, raw vegetables and fruit and thanks them for their creativity and kindness in preparing my dish!

Eating out is the biggest hurdle for me because in my husband's family that's what everyone does to get together!!! Also, in my case, prayer has worked tremendously! My hubby is more open to my suggestions and even more supportive when I offer up my frustrations to the Lord and let Him take care of it!!!

Good luck! :)

[Revvell]

What I have found is, when I'm going to a restaurant, I call ahead OR in the case of networking, request the organizer to help out.

Yesterday, I went to a networking meeting. The organizer had asked for something for me; the server asked what I wanted ~ Either a fruit or salad plate. They brought me both ~ no dressing, PLUS a small salad ~ with cheese. She got immediately about "no cheese" and brought out a fresh salad. It was waaaay too much for me. The fruit plate would have been enough.

For nye I was invited out and I called the restaurant ahead and spoke w/ the manager who told me that he often did the MC and ate raw vegan afterwards so at least was somewhat familiar with my request. Had a really nice salad loaded with various veggies.

Went up to San Luis Obispo for a weekend. Contacted the chef at the hote we were staying at. He told me he was at Trotter's when Trotter was writing his raw book. Was delighted to prepare something for me. I faxed up some recipes. He didn't use any of them. Made the most delightful dishes though.

You'll be surprised how people are willing to accomodate. Interesting, now that I say that, it's fascinating to me how people we know and are closest to are often the least willing to accomodate and support us than those who don't know us.

Revvell