View Full Version : Does anyone out there know what I'm talking about?
02-03-2011, 02:44 PM
Can anyone relate to this and/or advise?
I have been suffering with bulimia for around 7 years. I have had reasonable good periods within this time, but the past year has been a bad time. The past couple of months I have been bingeing and purging numerous times each day.
I have been trying to go raw for around 3 years. I love raw food and know that it is the right way to go. There is no other diet that I could aim for - I know that nothing else is good enough. At any rate, the only choice is between vegan cooked or vegan raw - wouldn't even consider anything else...have been vegan for years when eating in my right mind. Unfortunately, ED fuelled binges end up in a lot of non vegan food going down. Not meat or fish, ever, for the past 18 years...but because I binge on junk, inevitably it ends up not being vegan :(
So - I enjoy raw food, I want to be high raw at the least...but somehow I feel like raw leads me to binge. I can't get into a raw routine that feels right.
If I eat lots of fruit and not much fat - tastes delicious, fine for about an hour after eating....but gives me horrific cravings for refined sugar and starch, makes me hyper, blood sugar up and down (type 1 diabetic), and totally wired, and inevitably ends up at the end of a day with a cooked sugar/starch binge because I feel so unbalanced. Not that cooked sugar/starch balances me, but the original unbalanced feeling triggers the binge
If I eat fruit/nut combos, like raw desserts or a lot of the raw gourmet - wrecks my blood sugar
If I eat lots of low GI, fatty meals with v little fruit - keeps blood sugar stable, feel calm because of this...but no energy and v lethargic...still leads to cooked sugar/starch binge
I can't seem to be able to eat in a way that makes me feel calm and balanced and not wanting to binge on cooked. The only thing that makes me feel good predictably, every single time, is green juice, which I have every day. Have thought about fasting on it for a period of time, but whenever I try to do this, it taps into my ED thinking pretty quickly as "restriction", and end up bingeing on cooked within a day.
Just don't know how to make this work anymore - but no other diet seems an option. Feel like my head is going to explode if I don't get out of this current binge/purge cycle and back onto raw ASAP. Every day I tell myself I will only eat raw. But then every day it goes very horribly wrong.
I'm not interested in seeking medical support - did that when first realised I had a problem. I'm not going on anti-depressants, and have been in therapy so many times. Never works, nothing every changes. Because ultimately, no one can do this for me except for ME.
Are there any other recoving bulimics on here - or can anyone else help?
02-03-2011, 03:24 PM
Sunflower, I have will be sending you a visitor message on your profile. :hug
02-03-2011, 06:00 PM
I have been bulimic for 16 years. A LONG time!! It has taken me a while to be at peace with my body AND diet. I will post some things that have helped me and include an average day for me. I am actually trying to GAIN muscle at this point. I am feeling so great because I have increased my food consumption but have not gained any weight. I am seeing more definition in my body, which is great. I have so much energy. I will say that I still drink coffee and I eat cooked oats and banana at night. I also have started using raw milk cream in my coffee instead of creamer. I know that's a no no here but I wanted to mention it. So, anyway, this is a typical diet for me. I am a stay at home mom with 7 kids. Exercise is CRUCIAL for me. This makes a huge impact on my mental attitude. I can't stress that enough. This menu is everyday except for dinner when I might change that up and experiment. I have come such a long way so please no criticisms on my diet :) It used to be bit 'o honey and crackers for breakfast, lunch and dinner. This way of eating has freed me from having to count calories or worry about gaining too much weight. You CAN find your happy medium. I find that I need fats, as you can see. BUT I also need bananas and starches. My body might change, it has since I have been going down this path. I used to be very heavy into fruit smoothies, which was great but eventually my body wanted more greens in my shake. You have to give it time. Keep it simple because feeling overwhelmed will trigger a binge. Decide to not binge and be raw in the morning and MANAGE that decision throughout the day. There is not an option to do otherwise so you have to manage your circumstances so that you can avoid triggers. I am open about my experience with this disorder so feel free to ask any questions. Just to let you know how bad it was for me. I binged at least every 2-3 hours everyday for several years. God answered my prayers by leading me to a place where I could thrive.
-oats, banana, 1 Tbl coconut oil, milk; Coffee
-banana, greens, raw protein powder in shake
-large salad with 1/2 avocado and buckwheat bread(raw, dehydrated), dressing is usually nutritional yeast or balsamic vinegar;coffee
-a couple pieces of fruit
-zucchini noodles with sauce and buckwheat bread or Buckwheat sandwiches(LT) etc.. sweet potato chips with it
-Oats and banana
02-03-2011, 10:59 PM
It's been many moons that I have recovered from anorexia/bulemia.
I couldn't control it no matter what I tried. or told myself.
You're right, it comes down to you making a decision to stop.
I did many written assignments so I could see what I was doing to myself in black and white. It really comes down to facing our demons and knowing that whatever it was in the past to create it, is no longer. And moving ahead with a recovery process.
I did loads of counseling, etc just as you mentioned but it didn't work because I wasn't honest with myself and the - whatever.
So, when I was really ready and willing, I had to go to a 12 step group. I needed that support. I was so bad I needed someone with me practically all day. Instead of pumping myself with food, I pumped in recovery and what I needed to do and I did it. I was at the point of dying, so I had to make a choice. I always wanted to not be here, but when I was really faced with death, I realized what I wanted was happiness, and peaace within myself.
The food/binging is secondary - it will automatically follow what you are willing to face and free yourself of.
02-17-2011, 04:22 AM
I have also struggled with an eating disorder for over 8 years. I'm feeling for you that you are in this horrific cycle at the moment. It sounds really exauhsting for you.
I'm still in the process of 'discovery' but feel i'm well on my journey. Just wanting to share a little bit of hope. You can get through this, seriously, no matter how impossible it may seem at times do try to remember that it will not always stay that way, you're not alone, others have been in that place and come through it, so can you! Is there a time in your life you remember you overcame something you weren't sure you could?
I agree with changeisgood, alot of the binging/ purging is a twisted way of perception of emotions regarding yourself in a way that will not necessarily support the healthy decision to stop it- I believe it gets to a point where it's almost sub conscious. This is the tough part, taking responsibilty for our behaviour when it feels like there was no option in the moment. Beating yourself up here will actually not count as acting responsible. But you are just by posting on here you are activly looking for a soloution.
I've been Raw for 4 1/2 months now and have stopped binging&purging, smoking and coffee. I was in therapy for most of the time while i was really ill and felt it did not help me and that nobody could help me ever. That is true- nobody can help you unless you want to help yourself. You do though so it may be more a case of finding the right support and guidance.
Balance is actually something you cannot achieve once and then know how to do it. It is a constant dance for everyone. Your blood sugar will be highly affected by binging/ purging- it is more confusing for the body than eating SAD food and keeping it down. I know it's easier said than done. What helps is to take it one step at a time, just one tiny step and that's gotta be enough.
The other thing is that our mind is very unbalanced, we can't satisfy our minds. Satisfaction can only be felt within the body..
Have you tried to drink green juices maybe twice daily? Or make a green smoothie and put it in the fridge, when you go to binge drink the smoothie first?
I'm still sometimes finding it hard to not binge and sometimes I feel like I binged on like 2 mangos or 4 bananas, but the urge to purge and guilt passes quicker. How much water are you drinking? Drink plenty and when you eat raw definitly make sure you get enough calories. If at the start you feel like eating every hour- do it!
How would your ideal day on raw look like? How would the routine fit with your life?
This diet has taught me that I AM GOOD ENOUGH. When I believed that everything else started falling into place.
Take lots of care and do ask questions if you have any!:heart
Raw Angel Mom
02-17-2011, 07:58 AM
I am not a doctor and you have already received good replies and good support. When i read that fruits seem to wreck your blood sugar, i want to mention that cinamon/vanilla together balance this out. I love making a chia pudding, i won't add any sweetner but will use gojii berries, golden berries, raising, will add vanilla/cinamon and lemon juice.
Our emotions can lead to serious physical problem and disorder. You need to find a way to be emotionally balance also. Walk in nature, friends that are positive, yoga, exercise, meditation and even practicing positive affirmation. My favorite book for this is from Louise Hay heal your life.
As i mention, i am not a doctor but have you consider to supercharge you body with nutrients. Maybe read Rainbow cuisine from Dr. Cousens could work well for you if you are sugar sensitive.
You will find what works for you please don't give up on raw food. I was one of those odds and raw food the first year didn't make me look younger. I have severe problem with my digestion and i even started allergies which i never had. I learned to listen to my body and i can eat raw food that works for me.
Doing a good healthy balance diet, balance your emotion and your entire being. You need the good food for your brain and hormones.
I hope you feel well soon!
02-17-2011, 10:28 AM
First of all, :hug :hug :hug :hug
And I encourage you to give yourself many hugs as well.
Dr. Gabriel Cousens book Rainbow Green Live Food Cuisine does have a lot of info for sugar sensitive people. I am currently reading The Live Food Factor (forgot the author's name and am pinned by a sweet little cat) and am finding it full of info for breaking food addictions.
It has been 28 years since I decided I wanted to stop binging & purging. I have been through years of counseling and it helped. I have gone through many levels of my emotional onion, so to speak, and the most helpful thing I have done was to grab a couple boxes of tissues, turn off the phone, and hug myself. Really hug myself. Looked into my own eyes in the mirror, a good long, connecting look, and told me I loved me. Not an easy thing to do, so very incredibly worth doing. You caring about you is what it is all about. This seems to be something some of us have to play with our entire lives. Be gentle with you, you're the only you there is. Think of someone you love enough to lay down your life for, and then treat yourself the same way you would treat them. I know this takes a lot of strength to do, and please believe me, it is vital that you keep doing it.
I encourage you to think of the change of the foods you eat not as restrictive, rather as a gift. A gift you are giving yourself because you love you. Self talk can help on so many levels, yet without self love the mountain doesn't move.
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