Depression

[vegggeeemom]

I'm having a really tough time today seeing the positive side of things.
I am just all over emotionally. I can't get my emotions straightened out.
I go from happy, to sad, to upset, to angry, to feeling very sick, to just wanting to throw the towel in about everything!
I am so emotional right now that I probably should not even be writing this at this time.
But, I seem to get my best thoughts out when I am in the midst of how I am feeling.
I've got so many things going wrong right now, it seems to make wonder if any of it's worth it.
I am being vague on purpose.
I an not discouraged about the raw life at all, that is probably keeping more focused than anything around me right now.
I can't seem to eat and know that is not healthy for me to go so long with so little food.
Does anyone have ANY ideas on how I can increase my appetite. Did I just post that?? What? Me need help increasing MY appetite?? LOL That's a first.
See, just me writing this all out is helping me bring my emotions into check.
I know that I just need to email myself and I'd feel better after I was done. LOL
But, it's nice to have feedback from people who have maybe been there and done that and can offer some words of advise or wisdom.
I just have to bring this to the table or I will never say it. When I had my m/c in 2003 and when I had my son in 2004 both times I got depressed, but I hid it. I was so ashamed that I could be depressed.
I mean I am a Christian, they aren't suppossed to get depressed with God on their side, right??
So, I told noone and just tried faking it til I made it.
I am trying very very hard to fight those same feelings this time.
I don't want to fall back into that deep dark whole that I was in.
I guess this is my cry for help. I don't know what to do.
Might be away for a few days to gather my thoughts, emotions and just everything that I am involved in right now at this stage in my life.
I literally just feel sick to my stomach about things going on in my life right now.

Thank you if you made it through to the end, you're a trooper!!

Sorry for being so negative, but I just had to get this off my chest.

[sweetgoddess]

vegggeeemom, I am so sorry you are feeling so low right now and going through difficult things in your life..

When you said "I mean I am a Christian, they aren't suppossed to get depressed with God on their side, right??" , I gasped. So not true. God created you with a full range of emotions for a reason.
Honestly, you do not need to stifle, hide or judge your emotions.
Dont try to fight them. Depression serves a purpose, just as everything does.
It causes you to slow down, turn inward, reflect.

If you can, honor your feelings. They are valid and you are ENTITLED to feel them. Your feelings are never wrong.

It's hard for me to stay
Centered in the Spirit all day
I find myself drifting away
On my river full of worries for that day

Then suddenly some little thing
Will remind me that my heart should ever sing
All the time
Every moment that I live
To thank You for the love that you give

And I want to thank You
For the sun as she shines
And I want to thank You
For the flower on the vine
And I thank You for the stones in my path today
Even the ones in the way

Sometimes I see the rocks in the road
And I wonder why I carry such a load
I wonder why we're limited by fear
And why we have to bathe ourselves in tears

Then suddenly I hear Your voice
Telling me that the fear is my choice
And you remind me that the struggle and the strife
Make up much of the learning part of life

And I want to thank You
For the sun as she shines
And I want to thank You
For the flower on the vine
And I thank You for the stones in my path today
Even the ones in the way

And I want to thank You for the chance to give
And I want to thank You
For the chance to really live
And I thank you for the stones in my path today
Especially the ones in the way.

Love and comfort coming your way ~*~*~*~*~*~
Carmel

[askcassyfirst]

I find that DHA supplements (they do make them vegan ~ from algae) are very helpful for balancing my state of mind. Studies have found them to be very helpful for depression.

You mentioned that you are a mommy...The mom provides a huge amount of DHA to the baby, such that it can take up to several years to replace postpartum, especially if the mom isn't consuming adaquate amounts of DHA in her diet while pregnant and afterwards. This is currently being implicated in post partum depression, especially following multiple births.

I don't know if this applies to you, but I know of many people who have found relief using DHA supplements...

PErsonally, I find that when I am mineral deficient I get really depressed and down. So when I feel it coming on I make sure that I am consuming lots of deep green and other brightly colored veggies...

YOu are not alone.

Cassy :)

[Rawkinlocs]

Wonderful advice from Carmel and Cassy.

Pam, you have a lot going on in your life right now and we can't be happy and upbeat all the time. Sometimes things weigh on us and we feel it because we ARE human and we are spiritual. It's when we suppress our emotions and feelings that we end up having a major OUTPOUR of them later on.

Release them...cry if you need to and when you need to...it's cleansing.

Write or journal your feelings.

Talk to someone...anyone who will listen and be an ear to you.

If you can, go and have some time to yourself doing something you love.

I've been through this too and like you, because I'm Christian many times in the past I denied that I was feeling depressed and just sorta tried to suck it up and drive on. But I now realize that my God feels my pain and that He will carry my burdens if I give them over to Him. That's not always easy to do, but just talking to Him through prayer, crying to Him, asking why, and just going to him as I would a physical father and not viewing Him as unapproachable, helps me.

Blessings, peace and comfort to you Pam.

[Callie]

Hey veggeemom. I understand where you are coming from because I struggled with depression for almost three years. I am a follower of Jesus Christ too...don't feel bad for feeling emotions of sadness and pain. I just thought I'd offer you a verse that helped me immensely through the years that were like hell for me. "Many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivers him out of them all." Life isnt supposed to be perfect but we have hope. What ended up being part of the problem for me were my serotonin levels. You might look into getting a neurotransmitter test done. Also, I had estrogen dominance which completely threw off my emotions and made me very unbalanced. However, both of those things have been taken care of. Right now I use a natural progesterone cream to balance my hormones (it's seems to be one of the reasons I can finally lose weight again) and it has really helped me to be so much more in control. I hope to go off it eventually as my body heals itself. So those are just a few things that might be helpful. Dont give up..i know it can seem like the darkness will never end but it will! There is always an answer!

[Essensual]

"weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice" (paraprhase)

How can we be there for our brothers and sisters in Christ if we have unrealistic expectations for them to HIDE what the are feeling? We can't. Period. You're emotions are valid. They are external indicators of internal challenges. Feel them. Share them. With us, with others, with Him....

Depression can be mental, emotional, biological, (great advice has been given thus far- - and I add only one other thing)... it can also be a spiritual attack. You have now exposed the enemy....now we can join together in the fight and bust that joker's head!! (Sorry, I wax ebonic...but you get the point.) From time to time, he forgets he is a defeated foe and tries to raise some ruckus...

I'm glad you shared. Someone else needs to hear this today and be free!

Much love,

[vegggeeemom]

Oh my goodness! Between what you all said here and what everyone said in the Yahoo group, I am just beside myself.
I don't know how to properly thank you who responded for sharing your words.
I cried reading all of them. They all will be printed out so I can read whenever I need to.
I have been crying on and off all day. I have had times of happiness, but it seems that my tiredness is zapping that away.
Just talking to you all about this, is helping me so much. I hated to even put this on the board, but I am so very glad that I did.
Usually, I am not the type of person to reach out and ask for help or air my dirty laundry on message boards like this, but there's something different about the people here.
They really care about the members of this board and that means so much to me.
I finally ate more today. I had 1/2 of a side salad and almost a whole banana and tons of water.
I got stuff to make juice with and will drink that to get nourishment in me.
Sweetgoddess, did you write that poem?
Oh, I could go on and on, but I've babbled enough.
I appreciate each and every one of you.
Thank you for helping me through this difficult time.

You all are the best!

Pam

[sweetgoddess]

vegggeeemom, no I did not write that. It is a song that I often listen to when I am down from an album called The Front Porch of Heaven. I wanted to share it with you.

We all send you love dear Soul.

Warmly!

Carmel

[vegggeeemom]

I just wanted to say that I love that! Oh, I think that I need to find that song!
After talking to my good friends about this and crying about it and having people praying for me, I do feel better at this moment and time.
My husband and 2 of my 3 children will be taking a trip to Oregon next weekend. If I am not feeling up to going, I am going to stay home and just pamper myself. I deserve to do it for me so I get better.
I will go out with my mom and just enjoy the day and go to the orchards for some really good fruit and veggies.
It's an hour by hour journey at this point. But, for now I am on the up side of this.

Thank you

[squidly]

Hi ..............I hear you. I too was touched by the words of the song above and was not going to write as I felt I really had nothing to say considering so many beautiful words had already been said but..........

I want to tell you that even when you don't know it others are thinking of you;
even when you can't feel it others are reaching out to touch you with love.
Even when you can't hear it someone is saying they love you
and when you think can't bare the pain anymore somone will be there holding you.
God never gives us more than we can handle........just sometimes we don't realise how strong we are so God gives us a reminder. His arms are always there to hold you.

I have been to the point where I wished I was not going to wake up the next day and where I had cried every tear I thought there was but today I am here and so are you. We are loved, we are cared for and you are special.

I know too though that sometimes the pain inside feels as if it is too much and you can be in a room full of people and still be alone. How is it with warm arms, huge hearts, and shoulders abound we can still feel as if no one understands just how we feel and how much pain we carry. For me I "came to" when someone gently told me that "maybe the world has not turned its back on you but rather you have turned your back on the world". This is a beautiful world even though suffering exists. You are beautiful even in your suffering and the world will never turn its back on you........we and others are always here to care for you. Take care, be gentle and FEEL all that you need to feel. The joy of life is experiencing ALL of life.

After the rain a rainbow will appear in all is majestic beauty.

Big hugs to you.
Love Bronnie

[Rawma]

Pam, although I have never suffered from depression, after reading your post I felt your pain. I don't have much more to offer you than the wonderful words already posted but I will add that you should get some excercise, at the very least take yourself out for a good long walk and listen to some upbeat, uplifting music, perhaps a christian cd. Exercise always make you feel better both during and after and you may find your mind clearer and finding answers to your prayers. I will say a prayer for you.
Lisa

[vegggeeemom]

I hope this makes it through this time. I had this big long response typed out and it says I was not logged on, which I know that I was. Ugh
Anyhow, Bronnie, you words are just so powerful. Thank you so much for taking the time to post even though you thought you had nothing to add.
If anyone is not posting because there is just nothing to add, believe me, each and every one of these posts mean something special to me and they will be read and read again until I reach the mountain top.
Rawma, thank you for your post as well. I do need to get out more often and just go for a good long walk in the brisk air. We were out yesterday walking and it was nice.
Sorry for not posting a personal reply to everyone that posted, but I was in such a fog yesterday and was not in a very good place.
Today I have not been so weepy and I give credit to my friends that have bared with me during this crazy time of emotions. They are such strong emotions that I never knew that I had them within me. I would stifle them and think that if I ignored them all would go away and just be better.
But, that is not the case at all. Reaching out to anyone that will listen has helped me so much.
I do so much feel the love from people that I have never even met! That just blows me away!
Thank you to each and every one of you that has posted here, pm'd me and just kept me in your thoughts and prayers.

I appreciate each and everyone of you that has taken the time to post, pm and email me. You are helping me get through this dark valley. I do see the light and it is much brighter than it once was.

Have a great day

[Sweet lips]

"I mean I am a Christian, they aren't suppossed to get depressed with God on their side, right??"

There are words that say " I knew you when you were in your mother's womb"

Find comfort in those words, because of those I am - I have a popensity for (my spelling) for depression - I have some challenges and shoes (issues) that caused me to be internal instead of external - but I am no longer trying to be the Superwoman - man, I ripped that 'S' off of my chest, was afraid to do, felt vunerbable, and only then was I able to surrender my all ( now, you know, all that I knew for the moment).

Sweetheart it is a process - the advice and suggestions that you have received are invaluable. A chrsitian is a person - is a human, with human emotions, just as anyone that has a creator - and in this creator's infinite wisdom, because you beleive one way, it does not mean that you will not have these emotions - what it does means that you are never alone, and there is help for you through the eternal and through those of us who are here- check out what Cassy suggested, take some me time, meditiate and commit thy words upon your heart - David is know for moments of depression and he was a man after God's own heart - my favorite sond through my moments of depression (which I have had some moments, and came close to falling, but:

I almost let go. I felt like I just couldn't take like anymo'.
My problems had me bound. Depression weighed me down but God held me close, so I wouldn't let go. God's mercy kept me so I wouldn't let go.

I almost gave up. I was right at the edge of a breakthrough but couldn't see.
The devil really has me but Jesus came and grab me and held me close,
so I wouldn't let go. God's mercy kept me so I wouldn't let go.

Refrain: So I'm here today because you kept me.
I'm alive today only because of his grace
Oh, he kept me, God kept me, he kept me, so I wouldn't let go.


I hope that helps :)

[vegggeeemom]

SweetLips,

Thank you so much for posting that! It really touched my heart. I do believe I am on the up side of this. I can't believe I posted this only two days ago! It seems muchl longer than that.
But, after a rocky morning start and some spells of crying (just emotions, not depression), I am feeling pretty good at the moment.
I need to get a good long walk in and that always helps me. I jumped on the rebounder early this morning and might just pull it out again too.
I have realized through this journey that I used to hold everything in. I would never expose myself for who I REALLY am. I would not tell my friends how I was feeling about life. I mean bits and pieces of it I would, but not the whole picture.
Then this happened and I have just talked and talked and talked and talked and talked some more. I have journaled like there is no tomorrow and cried a river of tears.
I am seeing the rainbow and it is so beautiful. Now just typing that is making me cry. Happy tears though.
Because of all the love of the people in my life, I have come through the dark tunnel much quicker than I expected to.
You are right about just because I believe one way does not give me the right for any emotion that I have. I just have heard it preached (not in our church) that don't be down hearted, God is on your side.
So, when I started feeling that way AGAIN, I just knew that something major was wrong with me.
Through the process of sorting through my feelings with myself in my head, out loud to my friends, in emails, any way that I could get all these feelings and emotions out just really helped me.
I felt very selfish. Taking all my friends time to get over this. They listened without ever complaining and that means the world to me! Crying again! But again, happy tears for the friends that I know that God has sent into my life.
I hope to some day be there for them the way they have and are there for me now.
It does my heart good to read all these words.
My church sent me flowers and that blew me away.
Being honest with others about my feelings has really been something really good to come out of this whole ordeal. You do open yourself up to be vulnerable, but it also allows others around you to reach out and help you get through whatever you are going through.
I used to internalize EVERYTHING. But, I have learned I have GOT to tell others what I am in need of or they will NEVER know!
Wow, I guess I had even more to say than I thought.
I guess your post just really hit home with me and I really appreciate your words of wisdom.