social challenge

[Fresh_Verve]

I have made a decision to go totally raw 100%. I find that the most difficult thing was holidays. I did it! I made it through it 100% raw, however tonight we have a third potluck and I am not going. I can't. everyone is bringing cooked foods and its too much for me. Food is such a social activity. we do everything around the food and with food. I'm looking for activities that don't involve foods - such as game nights and or a group of people that are more open to food than just cooked pastas and bread and lasagnas. I would appreciate your input on how you handle the social situations with being raw vegans. This would help me a lot with my transition. Bless.:o

[Aleesha Sattva]

i can tell you how i handle it... being a faster.

i take stuff with me for me to consume. i take lots of juices... it's okay for me to not consume them all... but i take them with me just in case.

i try to create situations for myself (like attending crystal bowl meditations) where food isn't the centre of everything.

i choose which potlucks and activities to attend depending on my own strength at the time. if i know i'm going through a trying time... i just simply miss the event. there will be more... it's not the last potluck on the face of the earth... i can go to the next one LOL

so my advice to you... take an assortment of raw foods with you. carry fudge balls (like Alissa did) in your purse at all times. don't make this about what you can't eat... make it about the yummy choices that you CAN eat!

[ShaunnaIsHere]

I have made a decision to go totally raw 100%. I find that the most difficult thing was holidays. I did it! I made it through it 100% raw, however tonight we have a third potluck and I am not going. I can't.

Congrats on making it through your holiday parties 100%!

I concur with Aleesha on to just assess and accept your strength levels at the time, and to go with them. I often will only give a tentative confirmation of going to a party, if I feel it might be a challenge for me, so that I can make a last minute decision based on where I am.

Personally, for me, it's not the food but the particular people at the party. I have one group of friends, and my father's side of the family, who are much less intrusive people. They all tend to go with the flow and let people just be. So, with them, I can bring salads and raw desserts (they all love!) for myself and after maybe an initial comment or two, they will all just accept me eating my salad while they have their pot roast.

However, I have an Italian friend and my mother's side of the family, are much more dominating. They are the type that just won't settle until they find you something that you "can eat." "How about some of these canned green beans, they're raw, right??" Ugh. For events with them, I only tell them I may or may not be able to make it and assess how I feel the afternoon of.

For me, making it work in social situations involves 2 things that I can really control, and acceptance of the things I can't:

1) Don't talk about your raw diet. This was hard for me. I'm a people-pleaser, so whenever attention was placed on me about my salad, I feel this compulsion to explain myself and talk about my diet and yada yada. I found that this really backfires for me. It puts way too much attention on food, when really I think it should be the pleasant backdrop of a social event. It tends to make me neurotic thinking about the food and I eventually cave at some point. In my experience, most people (e.g. of a non-dominating personality) just accept a simple "Oh, this is my salad I brought for myself, because I have specific diet needs." is accepted and they let it go.

2) Assess your own possible people-pleasing compulsions that might be giving you difficulty. Do you feel the need to explain yourself? Do you have a hard time saying "No", when people offer you things? Is it really that you are craving the food, or that you are having difficulty pleasing the people and being one with them? Learning how to better manage my people-pleasing for raw food has been totally transforming my interactions with people in all other areas of my life.

I wasn't even really aware of myself as a "people-pleaser" until going raw and reading Angela Stokes-Monarch's book "Raw Emotions." I always considered myself confident, but I've realized how much of that has been a front.

[ShaunnaIsHere]

Also, I heard that if what you're looking for is to be more of a participant in the holiday food-as-social-event festivities, that "Healthy Holidays: A Survival Guide" by Heather Haxo is supposed to be pretty good.

I'm not at that level yet. I'm still in the lay-low and off the radar with my salads as much as possible phase.

[Fresh_Verve]

thank you Ladies very much for your replies.
Aleesha - I had a lot of comments about my 21 day fast that I did and I will be doing another one starting February - for me its about keeping my body clear and clean for the work that I do.

lol. I am definitively not a people pleaser. i have only high expectations ;)
I had time today after posting to do some more research and also to meditate and re-center myself. In the quiet space I see that rather than having my attention on my life I am putting the attention on others and their comments (having an expectation that they should be doing better than they are - due to the community and environment we all live in) thus giving my power away and looking for faults within my decision and choice. Like one of you said (paraphrasing) - I need to look into the benefits I am getting not the lack of the old habits/patterns. As well I fully realize that raw food diet requires a particular level of consciousness and it is a big commitment. not for everyone.
I appreciate your comments. Thank you. It helped me today to connect with others who are also fasting and eating live foods. Gracias.

[blizzardfrisbee]

I like your comment Aleesha of making it not about what we can't eat but the yummy choices we can eat. This is a struggle for me too. It is funny that all events seem to be wrapped around food. Even my friend from Mass. (who I'll see in the summer) thinks we can't have a good time cause I don't eat like I use to. Bah!! I am evaluating why do I go anyway?? Shouldn't it be for the social part? Why does it always have to be about the food? Like others, some places I go the people don't care what I eat and other places they do. I'm new since August --and well, still very new into this journey but learning. I am more in tune with my body--right now I am going thru a major detox. But I figure it is a good time-- I have the week off of work. Just taking it easy--learning more and going with the flow. I must admit I LOVE how my body feels being raw. I don't push the raw diet --in fact, I found it is just better to say if asked--I have health issues --people tend to accept my eating different for health reasons. Well, and it is true that is why I made a change. Again this forum has been a tremendous help to me!! Thanks for helping me on my journey!!

[Mikey_H]

I think people, especially relatives, can see and feel the tension when one is nervous about the food issue. Let's face it, people get very nosey and just plain strange when it comes to other people's diets. I think everybody who makes a conscious decision to change their lifestyle for the better goes through this.
Just remember it's a 2-way lane... I've forbidden to talk in depth about the little amount of cooked food I intentionally include in my diet on this site and around other "strict" raw foodists, so how can one expect family and friends to freely and comfortably "accept" a lifestyle if you only choose to be 100% raw... when it all comes down to it, it's just personal self-confidence. You will be criticized by "so-called SAD eaters" for eating your "rabbit food" (OH boy have I experienced this too many a time) but you will ALSO be criticized by many raw foodists if you decide to have some baked sweet potato during the holidays.
Don't get me wrong, criticism isn't bad. We are all different and have different needs and it is important that we share and collaborate so that we may better understand our own standing and personal health.
That's just me spewing. I know how you feel though, no matter what you will be the odd one out at first when you CHOOSE to make yourself healthier. But as long as you don't fall into social pressure (from SAD OR RAW eaters) and follow your own flow... other people will see your inner-confidence and outer health and shine and will start to look up to you!!

[Aleesha Sattva]

mikey, it's not about making other people happy about our choices. it's about making our Selves happy with our choices. i don't care what people think about my choices. they are mine to make, mine to change, mine to tweak. i believe that if we get 'set in stone' about what we are going to do... we lose.

we lose because we are no longer allowing the flow of the unexpected gifts to flow freely into our lives. whether that's food, laughter or a spontaneous moment...

[MelanieBear]

I think that sometimes we focus on this too much as an issue of cooked vs raw, when really, much "less extreme" choices can also create social pressure and difficulty. I know that my initial years as a vegetarian (even still eating junk foods) and a vegan or on macrobiotics, or on raw---all of it brought some amount of questioning and criticism. What I also found was that it sometimes inspired admiration, ("I wish I could do that, but I just can't live without cheese....." or "You're so healthy.....") and sometimes provided me an opportunity to share some of my values about food, ethics, and self care. (And I certainly learned that pushing my beliefs on others wasn't effective, but just being happy and at-peace with myself made people curious to learn more and ask questions. I try not to talk about my diet unless someone asks me a direct question.)

If I had just given in to the pressure each time, I never would have been able to show my loved ones that not only is it possible to make changes for the better (I have found healing from PCOS, Ulcerative Colitis, and a rare autoimmune bleeding disorder----and I require no allopathic meds to stay well. This wasn't all due to raw, but dietary changes were invovled in each phase of my healing) but that living with an alternative diet can be MORE pleasureable than a SAD one! I love to create food and to feed others, so I just started doing that within the guidelines of my beliefs. When people taste their first raw strawberry pie made with dates, fresh berries, and raw nuts, they can't BELIEVE how great it is. And, the interaction is the same. "Oh wow! Thanks for bringing this---it looks amazing!" Nobody has to know or care that it's raw...until they ask how it tastes better than any pie they've ever eaten... ;-)

Can you approach this 'problem' as an opportunity? Can you love yourself and others enough to be gentle and open while ensuring that you get the food that you need to feel healthy and whole? Can you help your loved ones to find other ways of spending time, sharing love, and connecting? And what's the best recipe you make? Can you start feeding it to everyone you know?!

Melanie

[margoss]

I went to a great going away party last pm. I took a good veggie tray. We had a cabbage salad, kale salad, guac dip & a few other things. I made crackers & a lemon pie. Should've made those fudge balls. It was great. I brought home what wasn't eaten, ate it today and juicing the rest!
Take a few things..doesn't have to be a huge display, that can get expensive. Make small fudge balls or fudge or something...just smaller sizes/portions.

[Shels]

Bring your own food. :)
These last few holidays I actually got to make a lot of raw dishes for my family and they loved them all, and I got plenty.

[mcster]

Haha, Fresh-verve, you won me to the punch! I was going to start a thread on this exact topic. :)

I've been vegetarian since I was 6. Having spent my formative years in a traditional culture of heavy meat eaters, I have my fair share of experience in dealing with my diet as a social issue. Luckily, that's no longer the case. I now live in one of the most vegetarian-friendly and culturally diverse (open minded) cities I've ever been to and what I choose to eat is hardly an issue. I like the fact that I can even go to a stake house (I've gone on occasion for a b-day party etc.) and still find something to eat. However, I'm in the process of going raw and I have questions about the new level of complexity it will introduce in social situations, especially for someone like me who likes going out to restaurants and whose friends are, for the most part, not vegetarian/vegan/raw.

Reading through this thread and thinking about it further I think it boils down to balance and perspective.

I've known about raw for a few years and was initially turned off form it because it seemed extreme and unhealthy. The reality is that those perceptions were formed based on the people I had met who were fanatical about being raw and quite simply looked unhealthy. I changed my mind when I started finding raw athletes who look extremely young, healthy and strong. But one has to ask him/herself...why are we doing this?

For me, the answer ultimately is to be happy. I feel that by changing my diet to raw, I can reduce the biological age of my body, have a clearer mind and have more energy than the average person. I have perfectionist tendencies and I'm all about efficiency and performance. However, I think one has to remember that there are plenty of people who eat a not-so-great diet who are healthy and live a long life too. My grandmother is 87 and she lives alone, takes roadtrips with her girlfriends (she drives like a madwoman) and acts like your average 65 y/o yet she eats a healthy version of SAD.

Also, if the goal is to be happy, part of being happy is being social and being social often revolves around food (where do most people hang out at hose parties?..the kitchen!) then being raw either means getting new friends who are also raw (something I look forward to) and/or being "mostly raw" and exercising flexibility when one socializes. One thing that certainly does not make me happy, and the reason I too thought about posting on this topic, is feeling like I can't be as social or like I have to suffer through a social situation either because I'm abstaining from taking part in socializing or because I'm being questioned about it.

Having discipline about moral decisions (not eating meat) is one thing but I don't think having some cooked food from time to time is going to make you less healthy. You can always order a salad and while the dressing may not be raw, what will be more detrimental, not socializing or the salad dressing?

[Mikey_H]

mikey, it's not about making other people happy about our choices. it's about making our Selves happy with our choices. i don't care what people think about my choices. they are mine to make, mine to change, mine to tweak. i believe that if we get 'set in stone' about what we are going to do... we lose.

we lose because we are no longer allowing the flow of the unexpected gifts to flow freely into our lives. whether that's food, laughter or a spontaneous moment...

Exactly the point I was making

[climbing]

Man I can relate to this thread, except for me, I already was "trained" by going through hell with friends and family because for years before raw I've been on a gluten/corn/soy/dairy free diet. Except I was still eating some cooked/processed foods then, so it made everything actually far more complicated. It was always a thing like, someone cooking food for me, claiming it was safe for me, and then I'd find out (hopefully BEFORE eating it not after, but sometimes it was too late) that it had gluten or corn in some additive or something. Processed foods make everything so complicated.

The last time I went to visit family for this holiday I was high raw, so it was just simple. Instead of, "you can make me something but you have to make sure it doesnt have gluten, msg, autolyzed yeast, etc etc on the label" it was "I'll have some greens" lol my family understood THIS diet SOOOO much more.

But even still, I doubt I would ever go to food centered events such as potlucks. I'm just not interested. My friends know about my diet and I either cook something for/with them or we just hang out and it isn't about food. I did skip a company christmas dinner because they just didn't get it... which kind of sucked but oh well. I'd rather stay home with my partner anyway. :)

[BlackKat]

But even still, I doubt I would ever go to food centered events such as potlucks. I'm just not interested. My friends know about my diet and I either cook something for/with them or we just hang out and it isn't about food. I did skip a company christmas dinner because they just didn't get it... which kind of sucked but oh well. I'd rather stay home with my partner anyway. :)

True. I find myself doing more things with my friends now than I have done in the last 10 years of my life.. Since things are not constantly revolved around food ("Let's go get coffee, let's go grab lunch, let's get together for dinner") It's easy to make plans centered around food, but the challenge is in finding things to do with others w/out food. It's enriching and great actually.

[Aleesha Sattva]

that's one of the gifts doing my fast did for me. i had to find ways to connect with people that wasn't food related.

[lovenlife]

In reality, there are no social challenges around raw, it is all made up. We are going to make something up so why not make it good and empowering.

On a side note but similar. Had some "kids" I was teaching...went raw, lost over 45 pounds. Going great, doing great....went into the social thought (be it valid or an excuse) and has now gained 20 pounds back (prob his bad health will follow).

What are YOU committed to? Eating food to satiate people or eating food to feed your LIVING body and soar in wellness?

[mcster]

In reality, there are no social challenges around raw, it is all made up. We are going to make something up so why not make it good and empowering.

On a side note but similar. Had some "kids" I was teaching...went raw, lost over 45 pounds. Going great, doing great....went into the social thought (be it valid or an excuse) and has now gained 20 pounds back (prob his bad health will follow).

What are YOU committed to? Eating food to satiate people or eating food to feed your LIVING body and soar in wellness?

Great points and I admire your commitment. However, is eating a salad topped with regular dressing or a rice dish with cooked veggies at a restaurant/potluck going to make you unhealthy or cause you to gain 20lbs? I can see how eating SAD regularly might do that but not occasional "relatively healthy" (cooked) food.

I've been vegetarian since I was a kid. Even then, I never compromised my diet under peer pressure because its a moral decision not a health one. I have the same capacity for discipline for raw. I'm just not sure I see the point. To me, going raw is about health and energy efficiency and I feel I can afford to not have maximum efficiency from time to time at the expense of being social provided I'm not eating McDonald's. Eating rice is not going to compromise my principles.

I think there are more negative consequences that could come out of compromising one's social life by being too rigid with diet than by eating some "healthy but cooked" food from time to time. Let's face it, whether we like it or not, society has made food an integral part of socializing. That's why people go out for dinner or meet for coffee, that's why people always gravitate toward the kitchen at house parties and why families connect over dinner (or used to at least). People are just too enslaved to their palates.

We can change ourselves but I think we'd have a hell of a time trying to get others, even our loved ones, to fit into our lifestyle than the other way around.

[lovenlife]

In reality, there are no social challenges around raw, it is all made up. We are going to make something up so why not make it good and empowering.

I repeat, there are no social challenges around raw,we eat what we eat and there is no challenge. Be it cooked sometimes, all raw, whatever, it doesnt matter. It is US that makes it a challenge. It isnt.

One cooked meal does not gain twenty pounds. Going back to s.a.d. life does. We all get to choose..yay!