love4life
07-13-2010, 01:59 AM
:) Hello all!
So for a few months now i have been on a sort of life detox and somehow my journey brought me here. I could not be more excited.
I dont want to bring anyone down, but i think u should know what i am coming out of. There is no easy way to start, so ill just put it out there. I lived a very stressful and awful childhood. From the age of about 4 to about 13 i was sexually abused. This was a constant through my dev years, and it was done to me by many (neither of which new each other or that i had already been victim). As you can imagine this left me confused and angry. To make matters worse, my mother was not aware of the abuse and could not understand why i acted the way i did. She was having a hard time dealing with me and in her frustration she would lash out yelling and hitting me. As i went into my teen years i became suicidal. Two things were happening to me, i for many years had a hard time relating to my peers and felt very much an outsider and my cousin had been molesting me for several years. I was fed up and could not find a way out. Thank God all my attempts failed, to the point that no one ever found out about it. At the age of 15 i was raped by my bf and then again at the age of 19 by a guy i had been dating. After that i decided that i would no longer live scared and in pain. I forgave my attackers and my mother and myself. However i was just a teen without the proper tools to get over something like this. For years i jumped at the opp for anything fun and became a heavy drug user, I did not understand that all i was doing was drowning out the pain like an unpleasant sound. Just because you turn up the radio, doesnt mean the hammer isnt still going at the neighbor's house. No one knew how bad i was, i had become a pro at hiding my problems, id been doing it my whole life. Then i got married and that too was a huge failure. When i moved back home it was party, party, party. Again shutting out my pain with friends and drugs (pot,xtc,mushrooms,acid,and a few others). This does not work ppl.
Then something sparked a change in me. Last spring i met a guy that i thought was amazing. He thought so highly of me and i could not understand it. He was such an inspiration to me and without a word made me see that i had been selling myself short. I wanted a better life than i had. By the end of the summer although we loved each other, our relationship was over. This threw me back into my old patterns, but not so hard core, cause inside i knew wanted more for my life. So even though we are not together meeting him changed me, for that i am happy.
When he and i broke up i was crushed for what i had lost. A great guy and the hopes of great things to come. Then about 2 or 3 months ago, I had an awakening of sorts. I realized that i was putting too much on this person, and that i had the power to generate true happiness for myself. So i decided to make it happen for me. I changed my major from bus admin to environmental science and started to work on me and all the damage that had been ignored for so long (still working on it). I decided, I wanted to live a life that i could love.
It started like this, see i am a surfer. Iv been for many years now (the one place that i am truly happy). He was a snowboarder and was going to take me to UT and show me over winter break. I was stoked. When it wasnt going to happen i felt so bad about my lost opp. Then one day it just hit me, i could do that and so much more. I realized that i did not need a guy to show me these wonderful things that are out there. So i made a list of all the things i wanted to learn but thought i couldnt. Then i started looking at what was easiest for me to start on (based on location and prep required). Rock climbing is first on the list. I had been in a car accident and just recently have been able to work out again. I had been eating awful and laying around for almost a year. I wanted a better diet cause i was feeling tired and sick from all the crap i was putting into my body.
I started looking online for ideas and that is how i found RAW FOOD. I had been on a standard american diet my whole life, but being a scientist (in training, lol) i couldnt argue with the facts. I thought it would be stupid of me to understand how bad my food was for me and not make a change. Today was day 1, and so far so good. Well kinda. lol
I want to say im happy to be here, and thank you for having me. I look forward to learning from u and one day being a help to others on their journey to better life through raw foods. :D
So for a few months now i have been on a sort of life detox and somehow my journey brought me here. I could not be more excited.
I dont want to bring anyone down, but i think u should know what i am coming out of. There is no easy way to start, so ill just put it out there. I lived a very stressful and awful childhood. From the age of about 4 to about 13 i was sexually abused. This was a constant through my dev years, and it was done to me by many (neither of which new each other or that i had already been victim). As you can imagine this left me confused and angry. To make matters worse, my mother was not aware of the abuse and could not understand why i acted the way i did. She was having a hard time dealing with me and in her frustration she would lash out yelling and hitting me. As i went into my teen years i became suicidal. Two things were happening to me, i for many years had a hard time relating to my peers and felt very much an outsider and my cousin had been molesting me for several years. I was fed up and could not find a way out. Thank God all my attempts failed, to the point that no one ever found out about it. At the age of 15 i was raped by my bf and then again at the age of 19 by a guy i had been dating. After that i decided that i would no longer live scared and in pain. I forgave my attackers and my mother and myself. However i was just a teen without the proper tools to get over something like this. For years i jumped at the opp for anything fun and became a heavy drug user, I did not understand that all i was doing was drowning out the pain like an unpleasant sound. Just because you turn up the radio, doesnt mean the hammer isnt still going at the neighbor's house. No one knew how bad i was, i had become a pro at hiding my problems, id been doing it my whole life. Then i got married and that too was a huge failure. When i moved back home it was party, party, party. Again shutting out my pain with friends and drugs (pot,xtc,mushrooms,acid,and a few others). This does not work ppl.
Then something sparked a change in me. Last spring i met a guy that i thought was amazing. He thought so highly of me and i could not understand it. He was such an inspiration to me and without a word made me see that i had been selling myself short. I wanted a better life than i had. By the end of the summer although we loved each other, our relationship was over. This threw me back into my old patterns, but not so hard core, cause inside i knew wanted more for my life. So even though we are not together meeting him changed me, for that i am happy.
When he and i broke up i was crushed for what i had lost. A great guy and the hopes of great things to come. Then about 2 or 3 months ago, I had an awakening of sorts. I realized that i was putting too much on this person, and that i had the power to generate true happiness for myself. So i decided to make it happen for me. I changed my major from bus admin to environmental science and started to work on me and all the damage that had been ignored for so long (still working on it). I decided, I wanted to live a life that i could love.
It started like this, see i am a surfer. Iv been for many years now (the one place that i am truly happy). He was a snowboarder and was going to take me to UT and show me over winter break. I was stoked. When it wasnt going to happen i felt so bad about my lost opp. Then one day it just hit me, i could do that and so much more. I realized that i did not need a guy to show me these wonderful things that are out there. So i made a list of all the things i wanted to learn but thought i couldnt. Then i started looking at what was easiest for me to start on (based on location and prep required). Rock climbing is first on the list. I had been in a car accident and just recently have been able to work out again. I had been eating awful and laying around for almost a year. I wanted a better diet cause i was feeling tired and sick from all the crap i was putting into my body.
I started looking online for ideas and that is how i found RAW FOOD. I had been on a standard american diet my whole life, but being a scientist (in training, lol) i couldnt argue with the facts. I thought it would be stupid of me to understand how bad my food was for me and not make a change. Today was day 1, and so far so good. Well kinda. lol
I want to say im happy to be here, and thank you for having me. I look forward to learning from u and one day being a help to others on their journey to better life through raw foods. :D