I need a huge support right now (long) *sigh*

[AdrienneD]

hello all,

Today, I need to be honest with myself. I have emotional issues, I am bi-polar and I have not been working at all on my stress coping skills. I have let an enormous amount of stress build up and it has reared it's head this week. I can no longer ignore. Since early childhood I have been an obsessive self-harmer, in any and every way you can imagine. I would "recover" from one destructive habit only to gain a new one. The last and I am hoping final "habit" I have been struggling with is bulimia. I have had only two episodes since going RAW until now. which is GREAT, as I was having "episodes" upwards of 10 times a day before RAW. This week I almost feel as though nothing had changed, I was still stuck in the middle of it all.

These past two years I have come SO far in my recovery, I am VERY proud of myself for it. I reached a place (with the help of RAW!) where I am stable, willing and able to function "normally". But right now I do not know what to do. well, i DO know what to do, but I need outside perspective on moving forward with this. Aside from the emotional aspect of working on stress and the causes of it, I also have an complete and utter addiction to wheat. I can 100% RAW, feel great, feel beautiful, not a care in the world, then I'll have teensy bite of wheat. With that one bite I feel like a different person. I will have downed 2 pots of pasta, 3-4 sandwhiches, etc even meat *shudder* before I even realize what the heck I am doing to myself. Then the guilt sinks in and I purge. I HATE HATE HATE the cycle. I am usally quite good with just doing a calming breathing exercise and recognizing it for a slip and nothing more.


So why today? Why, when I was doing SO well on my water fast for my week off work, did I wake up this morning and eat bread? It sent my whole resolve out the window.

I don't even know WHY I binge and purge? I used to do it because there was so much in my life I just wanted OUT and GONE. I pushed everything away from me, and this included ridding my body of foods.

I don't feel like an ugly person anymore since going RAW and I can recognize that I AM a deserving person of all life's wonders. So why must I continually sabotage myself in this way? I know there is much in my past that is not resolved, but the majority will never be resolved. I know that fact is part of what is urking me. I feel stagnant. I won't be going back to school until next fall. I'm stuck in a job I hate that doesn't pay enough, I can't find the creative energy to pick up my writing or illustration projects again. I'm just floating with no direction.



I AM trying to be more positive in the moment. yes I purged today and I broke my vow to myself to the vegan lifestyle. But then I made enough apple juice to fill me up to I won't even THINK of putting anything more in my tummy. I am currently looking up menu plans for hubby that are completely wheat free. I am going to propose a 30 day wheat free challenge for him during my fast, just to try and get a solid hold on my addiction. He LOVES to create in the kitchen so I am hoping this plan works..

I AM applying to new companies all week, I won't give up until I find one who will take me! And friday hubby and I will be getting a lot of our school papers in order to get the enrollment process rolling.

I just want this mental black hole gone. If I hadn't practically locked myself away in the bedroom right now and made myself write this out I would probably still be either binging away or pouting on the couch over what I'd done.

I just need a LOT of support right now in getting through the moment, continuing on to the a better one and just keep moving!

thank you to everyone who reads this,

- Adrienne

[Veganforlife]

Oh wow! I honestly don't know what to say except...

Sending you energies and tons of (((hugs)))!!!

[rawrawks]

Adrienne, It is PERFECT right where you are. You are simply in a process of seeing (even if over and over) what doesnt work for you and how that feels.

Sometimes we get soooo alive and right on the raw edge of what we feel and we see a strong desire to numb out because that is what we have become accustomed to and we relied on it to help us. Now it doesnt serve us anymore.

It is a great place to be. On this path. Bumpy right now but you will see the light and way soon.

Seeing that you get to CHOOSE your life. You pick how you want to feel today. I say to me "Bette is this how you want to feel today? Then stop it. You get to choose now choose a happy day". This works.

My life is made up of my thoughts. It is my life and I can choose to feel how I feel about it, in this minute. I choose every moment how to feel. It takes practice. Make big signs around your house. This is a mental discipline to practice.

You are on your way to being whole and loving yourself. It is perfect right where it is. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong here. Your life is right where it is on your journey to a whole person.

When the lil choirs chimes in, it isnt there to help you but bring you down and keep you in those self defeating habits. Dont listen.Thank them and send them packing.

You are enough, you have enough and you ARE one amazing human being!!!
Hope this helps! Lv,Bette

[snoops]

I know how you're feeling. I know you CAN do it. You just need to keep trying. You only fail when you stop trying. Baby steps - right. One thing at a time. We are ALL here for you and sending you love and hugs and power.

[katchmoleen]

Look at how far you have come! Dealing with bipolar is so difficult (I work in a jail where I think the majority of the inmates are bipolar) and you say you have aready whipped all the areas of self harm, save this one, and you have come a long ways in dealing with that one. My goodness, that is amazing. So you fell down today. It is not the end of anything. It is a bump in the road. A small bump, in the grand scheme of things. Forgive yourself and move on. Planning wheat free menus for your dh is very wise. Remove as much temptation as possible. You have our full support here and I think you are a really brave and strong person.

[rawrawks]

I became a runner and this oxegyn to the brain and exerting works wonders.

[margoss]

the fact that you're getting this out is sooo good. No advice but thoughts to you & hugs. I think on different parts of life, things come up when don't expect it. hope you feel better soon.

[Moretta]

Sending you tons of hugs and rawness energy your way.

[rawrawks]

I know that the green juice keeps me balanced in my emotions too. Raw is a very calming way of life.

I have heard of people being allergic to gluten going besserk with one bit of it. So if it is a poisin in your body, may be a causitive in the way you are feeling.

[kiropa]

first, be kind with yourself. you have made HUGE strides. recognition, as you know, is the first step. don't let this one incident spiral -- see it for what it is and move on. sounds like you are doing that. good for you!

this may be unpopular, but maybe refrain from fasting for a bit. i know that fasting sometimes sets ME up for good/bad or binge/purge cycles. sometimes it's just too hard/restrictive feeling. when the time is right, then it's okay.

just eat raw and be well. maybe follow the 30 day plan and take the decision making out of the equation.

try yoga, running, spinning -- something to get your natural endorphins flowing. really works wonders. big hugs. i admire your strength!

[AdrienneD]

A huge thank you to EVERYONE! I'm sure you know how much this means to me. I would have replied sooner but Hubby got home soon after I posted. I wanted to talk through everything with him.

rawrawks- you gave such beautiful and helpful advice, it truly made me think. On the issue of running I don't know why I hadn't done it before! While in school I ran every single morning, rain or shine. It kept me so balanced. I am determined now to pick it up again. There is a park nearby with a perfect running loop. I know I'll have to start all over again, my muscles are conditioned to biking now.

And wheat/gluten really does turn me into a another person. Hubby has agreed that other than what we have now, we won't buy any more wheat. We both hate to waste money :/ . SO at least I can count of less of it being around in general.

snoops- thank you. I need people to remind me of that sometimes. I have to remember that this is a PROCESS of teensy little steps, and just because a slipped and landed on the step below doesn't mean I can't keep climbing.

margoss- thank you as well. The problem is I don't have enough coping skills, or simply don't use them. I get overwhelmed as when I am trying to cope with one issue, another comes up and I give up on both of them. I'm going to be doing a lot of internal thinking to sort this out.

Veganforlife- All that's needed is support, advice is just very much welcomed. I appreciate the energy!

katchmoleen- coming from you that means so much! If you can handle the stress of transitioning to this lifestyle, then that gives me hope that I can continue on! I need to simply start opening up and allowing others to help me. This thread was a good step in that direction at least. What I SHOULD do is look to my father, then look AT my sister. They both have bi-polar disorder, however only mu sister SUFFERS from it. My dad has to be one of the happiest people I know, without medication too!, but he does have this disorder. He has worked so hard to get where I is and I am very proud of him. He's not the man I knew as a child and I should use that as inspiration that too can make great changes, it's just going to take awhile. my sister on the other hand decided to move to the next province, be completely isolated so no one could "bug" over her anorexia, and pretty much hates everything i the world. I do NOT want to be like that in anyway!

kiropa- it's funny you say that! This is exactly what Hubby and I spoke about most of last night. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to fast. It makes me feel wonderful. However I realized last night that I can no longer decipher my want to trying to lose the last few pounds as fast as possible from my want of higher health and wellness. It seemed to sway more in the formers.

I will not be fasting. I will be eating VERY simply as per what our budget allows right now, but I was eating simply before this too, so that's not a big issues.

I am hoping that by next spring I will be well enough mentally to do a fast to welcome in the new season. Until then I will be content with RAW.


There is one"fast" that I will be doing however. A TV fast. I can't stand it anymore. I don't want to listen to 5 commercials in a row about new fast food items or a new bag of chips, or even the "latest" weight loss "cure". UGH. I will be limiting my computer time as well to once a day. Right now is my once haha I have a 5 book series to finish, a scarf to finish for the cold weather, always cleaning, AND I've decided to start studying the french language again. Once I was out of school I REALLY let myself go on that front.

As I posted yesterday one of my stress issues is that I feel like I am not moving forward. I know why this is. I have been in school for every year of my life until a year and a half ago. I don't know how to NOT study and be constantly learning. I CRAVE it! I am hoping that throwing myself into this will help, heck! I may even brush up on my calculus for next years course! *cautious giggle*

Thank you again for EVERYONE'S thoughts and supports. it means so much to me and reading all of this helped me through a very sticky spot.

The first few days are always the hardest for me to get past, but it's one day at a time! I will push through it.


- Adrienne