Notpinsky
10-31-2009, 03:25 PM
I'm new to the forum, and can't figure out how the "Raw Challenge" works. I was hoping it was an online goal tracking and support group. I was planning to keep a journal of my diet and exercise. Is there a place here for that? Or is it part of personal blog?
about me:
I did a month long raw food stint over a year ago, lost 20 pounds, and felt wonderful (after the first week of psychosis and cravings) empowered. Then I slipped off in a drastic way, gained it all back plus 20 pounds, taking me up to 269 pounds on my 49 year old (in 2 days) sedentary 5'2" bod.
My introduction to raw foods was my mom, who had Ann Wigmore's book "Why Suffer" back in the 1960's. My mom said that raw diet was the only thing that ever worked for her "uncontrollable diabetes" but she didn't have the will-power or energy to do it, what with family pressures and being totally disabled and dependent on family or Welfare (government aid) for all food. She died of kidney failure/ complications of diabetes when I was 12.
I just found out about Epigenetics, genes "turning on" or off, based on exposure to chemicals like Bpa. My mom grew up on a farm where they did aerial spraying with pesticides and herbicides multi-times a year. She developed diabetes only 6 months before getting pregnant with me. I wonder if that is related to why I am fat when my older brother and sister aren't? Interesting thing-- the only other person I've met who had "uncontrollable diabetes" was a Vietnam Vet who was exposed to Agent Orange (dioxin--also commonly used on farms). Reading about Carlene Jones and her liver flushing when she was starting her Raw Journey made me think that I need to do that too. I wish my mom had done that. All americans have Bpa exposure, I'm sure eating raw and not canned food (epoxy is about 50% Bpa and used to line most cans) will help reduce the systemic load of toxins. Well, if organic raw then I'm sure....
I must be in total denial, because usually I don't think of myself as fat, I have "reverse anorexia" or something. In my bathroom mirror I see myself as not terribly fat, just me. BUT--In public I am in shock if I see myself in a mirror or reflection in window. I don't even recognize myself. Same with photos. shock and horror. (happy halloween today....) Or if I sit in a "normal" chair, the kind with arms, or one of those little desks at school with the flip up/down writing thingee in front. oiy! So, occasionally it hits home, but then more denial, I buy clothes online to avoid THOSE mirrors.... or usually at the thrift store because I can't justify spending money on clothes when I will surely lose weight soon and not need "fat 28wp plus size-wth!" clothes. Right....
Truth: I am really morbidly obese and it is wrecking my life, and especially my social life--for my whole life since I was 12 and my sister let me know I was fat (at 125 pounds) and not good enough--now I'm 49 and still not good enough! Actually, I stayed around 130/135 until my first pregnancy, it has been all uphill gain since then. Every time I go on a diet I gain more back. Every time I go on the pill I gain another 20 pounds. Praying for menopause but just found out about the bone loss that accompanies it! shocking and scary.
I want to be healthy and fit and be able to do things like be socially acceptable and have friends, and sail and go hiking and fishing. I want to be happy. I've never done these things in my life and now I feel old and too disabled to do them.
As a full-time homemaker and mom (kids grown) now going to community college for the first time (for what I don't know yet! I feel like I'm such a social pariah that it isn't going to get me anywhere) I am made VERY aware of the stigma of being fat and old. I've been nearly a total "shut-in" before this College experience. Too fat to go out. Too depressed to do anything about it. So now I am going out into public. Emotionally, it is really hard, and until this quarter (Calculus 2) I was doing really well academically but menopause or something (gaining 10 more pounds?) has sent me over the edge. Everywhere I see condescending looks and I don't feel like I have friends even after going to this school for 2 years, probably because of my low-self-esteem and thinking no one wants to be friends with me because of my weight. I feel so lonely and desperate and am willing to do a 30 day raw diet while I try to pull myself together into having a healthy lifestyle plan.
Moderation does not work for me, I can't contemplate "eating less and losing weight eventually" plan. It doesn't work. I binge.
I need to do something drastic and get real results quickly. Sorry about the depressing whinge. That is where I'm at. I don't want to be in that head-space anymore. I want to live and be free!
I'm going to the library today to look for Alissa's book, until I can afford it.
about me:
I did a month long raw food stint over a year ago, lost 20 pounds, and felt wonderful (after the first week of psychosis and cravings) empowered. Then I slipped off in a drastic way, gained it all back plus 20 pounds, taking me up to 269 pounds on my 49 year old (in 2 days) sedentary 5'2" bod.
My introduction to raw foods was my mom, who had Ann Wigmore's book "Why Suffer" back in the 1960's. My mom said that raw diet was the only thing that ever worked for her "uncontrollable diabetes" but she didn't have the will-power or energy to do it, what with family pressures and being totally disabled and dependent on family or Welfare (government aid) for all food. She died of kidney failure/ complications of diabetes when I was 12.
I just found out about Epigenetics, genes "turning on" or off, based on exposure to chemicals like Bpa. My mom grew up on a farm where they did aerial spraying with pesticides and herbicides multi-times a year. She developed diabetes only 6 months before getting pregnant with me. I wonder if that is related to why I am fat when my older brother and sister aren't? Interesting thing-- the only other person I've met who had "uncontrollable diabetes" was a Vietnam Vet who was exposed to Agent Orange (dioxin--also commonly used on farms). Reading about Carlene Jones and her liver flushing when she was starting her Raw Journey made me think that I need to do that too. I wish my mom had done that. All americans have Bpa exposure, I'm sure eating raw and not canned food (epoxy is about 50% Bpa and used to line most cans) will help reduce the systemic load of toxins. Well, if organic raw then I'm sure....
I must be in total denial, because usually I don't think of myself as fat, I have "reverse anorexia" or something. In my bathroom mirror I see myself as not terribly fat, just me. BUT--In public I am in shock if I see myself in a mirror or reflection in window. I don't even recognize myself. Same with photos. shock and horror. (happy halloween today....) Or if I sit in a "normal" chair, the kind with arms, or one of those little desks at school with the flip up/down writing thingee in front. oiy! So, occasionally it hits home, but then more denial, I buy clothes online to avoid THOSE mirrors.... or usually at the thrift store because I can't justify spending money on clothes when I will surely lose weight soon and not need "fat 28wp plus size-wth!" clothes. Right....
Truth: I am really morbidly obese and it is wrecking my life, and especially my social life--for my whole life since I was 12 and my sister let me know I was fat (at 125 pounds) and not good enough--now I'm 49 and still not good enough! Actually, I stayed around 130/135 until my first pregnancy, it has been all uphill gain since then. Every time I go on a diet I gain more back. Every time I go on the pill I gain another 20 pounds. Praying for menopause but just found out about the bone loss that accompanies it! shocking and scary.
I want to be healthy and fit and be able to do things like be socially acceptable and have friends, and sail and go hiking and fishing. I want to be happy. I've never done these things in my life and now I feel old and too disabled to do them.
As a full-time homemaker and mom (kids grown) now going to community college for the first time (for what I don't know yet! I feel like I'm such a social pariah that it isn't going to get me anywhere) I am made VERY aware of the stigma of being fat and old. I've been nearly a total "shut-in" before this College experience. Too fat to go out. Too depressed to do anything about it. So now I am going out into public. Emotionally, it is really hard, and until this quarter (Calculus 2) I was doing really well academically but menopause or something (gaining 10 more pounds?) has sent me over the edge. Everywhere I see condescending looks and I don't feel like I have friends even after going to this school for 2 years, probably because of my low-self-esteem and thinking no one wants to be friends with me because of my weight. I feel so lonely and desperate and am willing to do a 30 day raw diet while I try to pull myself together into having a healthy lifestyle plan.
Moderation does not work for me, I can't contemplate "eating less and losing weight eventually" plan. It doesn't work. I binge.
I need to do something drastic and get real results quickly. Sorry about the depressing whinge. That is where I'm at. I don't want to be in that head-space anymore. I want to live and be free!
I'm going to the library today to look for Alissa's book, until I can afford it.