eating disorder coming back - please help

[hellicat]

I've been high raw since May and many days have been 100%. I've learned a lot about listening to my body and recognising when I'm hungry and satiated. But for some reason I've started bingeing, purging, and starving again. On raw and non-raw foods. I also seem to be drinking alcohol a lot more frequently.

I've done a banana search - seems that several people experienced a "recurrence" of eating disorder symptoms after going raw.

I've managed to kick the coffee and cigarette habit since starting raw. But I'm confused and scared as to why my ED symptoms are coming back.

I've started running after work on the days when I know I'll be home alone. It helps, but it's a slippery slope for someone who used to exercise compulsively. So far I have kept the running in check because I have a painful knee.

I have a psychiatrist but all he wants to do is put me back on antidepressants, so I'm in the process of finding another one.

I'm just posting this here because I feel lost. I so badly want to be a "success story" on raw but obviously something is holding me back. And I don't know what that is.

Thanks for listening.

[Aleesha Sattva]

all i can offer you is a hug (((hug))) sorry to hear you are going through this.

i know for myself... that i heal in layers. so what seems healed can come back and then i heal it at this new level, over time it may come back again and again... but each layer does heal me.

hope that makes sense.

[margoss]

congrats on the coffee & cig no longer in your life. This is a huge step so don't condemn yourself. Personally, I'd remove the alcohol from easy access if it's an issue. I rarely drink alone bc of a concern of too much consumption. I just keep away from it. It's too easy to fall to.
if you are doing well, could it be a fear of failing? I deal with this. I've lost wt several times but it slowly comes back, others are just waiting for it to return &tell me it won't stay off. I still struggle & know what it is. I'm doing great, feeling good, looking better & then it sneaks in my mind...'you're doing good but it's going to fail. YOu can't be the way you want to be. just give up.' I'll give into it.
now, I talk myself out of it & tell it to go away...make sense.

[Green_Woman]

I so badly want to be a "success story" on raw but obviously something is holding me back. And I don't know what that is.

You are the only obstacle who has any real power to hold you back. If you don't allow yourself to hold You back, you can't be held back.

Imagine how empowered you can be by accepting your power to TRIUMPH over your "power" to fail. Don't allow your SELF to restrict Yourself! Because you have ALREADY accomplished SO MUCH.

Revel in your accomplishment. Focus on the things you have done and are doing "right" for Yourself. And You will grow with each step in a forward direction... AND... with each step back, too.

I struggle daily with my own past Eating Disorder tendencies. But I TRIUMPH daily too - in little ways as well as large.

Focus on the Successes, and they will amplify. Focus on the failures, and they will eat you up. So don't! We are here to help remind you to switch your focus. ;)

I LOVE RAW!

:D

[Loren]

Beautiful advice Green_Woman. Hellicat, remember too that it is much easier to maintain your raw diet if you are meeting all of your body's needs. Be sure that you are getting plenty of sleep, plenty of exercise/activity, plenty of sunshine whenever possible, and fresh air and pure water. And of course, do your best to stay present and experience your emotions as they arise, without judging them. Be gentle with yourself, and if you do stumble, get back up. You can do it amigo, and you will if you decide you will.

[Vegansara]

I second what Aleesha said about healing in layers. And I'm sorry that you're going through this, but so glad that you're so aware of it and trying to be proactive!

You mentioned seeing a psychiatrist; psychiatrists prescribe medications, it's just what they do. If you want to figure out what is going on here and grow instead of medicate, I recommend a psychotherapist, or therapist or counselor or whatever you want to call them (us). Psychiatrists and psychotherapists are still confused for each other, because our roles used to be one in the same. Most insurance companies cover therapy, but if yours doesn't feel free to send me an email and I can help with ideas on how to afford it.

Sometimes it isn't as easy as just getting out of our own way, and my hunch is that you get that. Sometimes we need help seeing why we're there or how we can get out of the way.

Hugs!

[babeak]

kudos for quitting smoking and coffee. WOW! THose are some of the most legal addictive substances!! THat is a major accomplishment! I would probably try to eliminate the alcohol and do as a pp said...see a pyschotherapist to help uncover issues you may not have been able to before this point. Maybe you were just getting ready to come to terms with something and now are subconsciously sabotaging those efforts. Since I don't know you and I am not a therapist, I am really grasping for straws for your relapse. I think that is great that you are seeing a pattern of behavior, but be easy on yourself.

I have one more nugget that might also help: It was once said by someone that undesirable behaviors come from unmet needs. So, are you needing something and can you voice it to someone to try to get that need met.

Best wishes.

[rawrawks]

We have entered a tunnel of sorts (more true for some people starting out) and their is a huge light at the end, even glimpses of light early on and along the way it gets brighter.

However you have a powerful light in your hand and it is raw foods. It is a beacon in the tunnel that will help you along the way. But you can only see and go as far as the light in front of you but you notice, when you go farther you can see farther. After a while, you will SEE and Be light. You will be in total light.

On the way, in the meantime, the old things will come round you and visit again and again. They are simply working their way to the surface on their way out. Dont be afraid, as they are wishing you farewell, they arent here to take up residence, unless you pull up a chair for them and cater to them and give them what they ask for.

I would say to them " thank you for coming, I remember you and you served me then somehow but I no longer need you, so move along." See this old stuff, aknowledge it and send it packing. Honor it but dont let is dishonor you.

Raw eating and raw life is a continual shedding of old skin, old wounds and scars and old cells. We are being made new and being refreshed. The brain too is being cleansed and becoming clear.

So shine your flashlight (of raw) use it to guide your steps, not fussing about the outcome (as it will be there) and you will be in bright light as you progress on this journey.

Yes, find a natural counselor who doesnt want to drug your mind and feelings. Feel what you feel, honor what you feel, see why you might feel that way and nurture yourself through those feelings. LOVE YOURSELF!!!

Try not to BE a SUCCESS STORY...simply eat one raw and living food after another and it all will come to you, you dont need to try to see that now.

Love and hugs to you. Contact me privately if you would like more support from me around this.

[fonky]

Hello,

I wanna tell you a few things about what you just wrote. Well, as many persones in here, I had an eating disorder for a short while. Eating RAW is my way to tell myself: eat all you want to eat without feeling bad about it.

With my experiences, I would sugest you to fill your time with things you like, which could be arts, sports, reading, helping others with an organism, etc.

I also want to tell you that doing sports isn't bad. If you are doing a lot of it, eat more. That's it. Life pass so fast, so quick, just enjoy it, stay healthy the best you can, and the rest will go on.

Take real care, and wish you the best! :)

Karine

[Clare]

Raw was what made me realize the addictive nature of most cooked foods and for the first time, I had hope of no longer being bulimic. I mean I went for months with no issues when I jumped into raw and felt peace around food! Problems came when I thought I could eat a bite here or there of whatever. That was my recurrence and wake-up call. I can't eat like a normal American. I have to have a raw plan, take it day by day, and use my Faith. That is giving me that peace back. I have been using the library's AA book and OA also, which is for any food addict or compulsive overeater. If only everyone in OA ate raw....maybe for some of us, it's not enough to eat raw without doing the emotional and spiritual work to grow also so that we don't inch back and find ourselves in ED-land again. Alissa's raw way of eating is perfect imo because there is a freedom there in eating conciously but without worrying about calories/fat/superfoods, etc. Her recipes are satisfying but don't lead to binges for me. I found that adhering to other raw leaders advice like minimizing intake or skipping breakfast or very low fat just fed my disorder and made me feel like a failure. Victoria Boutenko's 12 steps to Raw is also useful. I wish you the best. Keep trying!

[VeGenesis]

I find it helps to think of your life as a journey. Like sometimes a car stops on a hill and when the light turns, somewhere between the break and the gas it rolls back a little.

The point is the over all motion is forward.

Love yourself so you can love others is one way of stating the golden rule, love others as you love yourself. I associate raw vegan food as a integrated part of my new lifestyle. The old way I lived just wasn't the life I wanted.

[margoss]

I noticed that things that were 'regressed' about my M started surfacing. I had to face them & realized that they were reasons my growing up has been what it was. I had to deal with them to put them to rest.
this may be something happening. it can be irritating but rewarding when we can move past these issues.

[Stina]

One thing you can do is go to a nutritionist who would make a raw food plan for you and then work the HOW program with-in Overeaters Anonymous. It's very effective.

[Asa]

Reading "Eating in the Light of the Moon" completely changed my life.

Things that help me include:

Acknowledging that an ED can be a good, healthy thing if it is what's keeping you afloat. Without other coping mechanisms, a lack of support, etc. etc. it is the best that could be done. Don't feel guilty, understand and thank your body for it's wisdom and using whatever tools it needed to survive.

Hot, long baths- especially with myrrh oil and sea salt or epsom salt.

Yoga, or tribal fusion belly dance.

Stretching.

Sunshine.

[Emmanuelle]

Hi Hellicat,

I have had a severe case of eating disorders throughout my life, of which anorexia was the most damaging one, it nearly cost me my life. So I know where you are coming from. I don't think it is a coincidence you will find people with an ED past on this forum, I am not saying all raw foodists are eating disordered - at all! Since I believe raw foodism is a very healthy approach to health and life - but I mean that people who have or are recovered from an ED will always have a certain relationship with food and will want to "better" their eating habbits.

I think raw foodism can be a very positive experience for someone recovering/recovered from an ED, but it can also drag back some memories and put you right back in that... zone.
For someone who has never had an eating disorder this may be hard to understand, but certain things really can trigger someone who has been recovered to be sucked right back in. I think people with an ED will always carry it with them to a certain degree, and so we have to be cautious and make sure it doesn't make it's retour into our lives, because ED's are life-wreckers.

I know exactly what it feels like when you feel you are slipping again... even though my anorexia has been almost 10 years ago now, I still am prone to slipping. Last year I was in a relationship with a man, and I started getting into the rabbit hole deeper and deeper again. While I should have just valued myself and feed my body and soul, I started restricting what I ate, it started just minorly, but as you probably know how it goes, I ended up only eating some cucumber and an apple or something a day, and along with the weight, I felt those same feelings,habits and patterns returning from when I was really sick. It really scared me, because I felt I had definitely left anorexia behind me! Thinking about it, this has actually happened twice since I have officially recovered from anorexia, and both were during times I was involved with a serious boyfriend.

To get to the point, besides the obvious benefits of a raw food lifestyle, it can also trigger someone with an ED past to get back to restricting themselves. If you look at it from a current modern Western kind of world, eating a raw food diet seems resctrictive, so it can be very appealing for the ED minded person, thinking, this is the best restrictive diet ever! If you get my point.
A normal non-ED person who has a healthy relationship with food, will approach the raw food diet differently and won't shy away from avocado's, for example, a food I always shunned before because the fat content wasn't even an OPTION in my head. Today, I love eating them and make damn well sure I do often, because I know how healthy they are for me, because I love their taste but also because I know if I start restricting my foods, it is a slippery slope downhill, because thats how the ED mind works, we have a little dent in our programs, called an eating disorder, it doesn't have to be a problem, but it must be taken care off, not ignored or catered to.

If you would like to talk, please do send me a PM.