Sabotage?

[Sicilian Girl]

I need help. I think my BF is purposely sabotaging my raw way of life. He knows how I eat (and why) and yet when I show up for a weekend visit at his house (with my cooler of veggies/fruits in hand), he has bought me "treats" of cookies, chocolate or cooked food that he knows I will refuse to eat. The worst part is he will keep needling me to eat it until I get mad.

A little background...when I met him 2 years ago, I was a vegan, so we still had pasta and other cooked meals together. He loves to cook so I would frequent his house for dinners and/or weekends. Once every week or so, he would cook fish and bring it to the table and put it in front of me. I would explain to him again about not eating ANY animal products and he would say "oh yeah" and then do it again the following week. :mad: And now this...

I have explained everything to him many times...and he still continues with the animal products and non-raw. And now, he is planning on taking me away for a weekend trip down to Mexico (which is not vegan friendly, much less raw friendly). What do I do?? How do I stop this sabotage??

[Arky]

VERY SIMPLE.

Explain to him, in no uncertain terms, that a healthy relationship is about mutual respect and mutual support. If he demonstrates an inability or unwillingness to accept this fact, then your relationship cannot possibly work.

It really is that simple.

A healthy relationship is also about open communication, so I hope you will feel able to do the above clearly and with conviction.

If he loves you then he will WANT to accept the above. If he refuses to accept the above then I suggest you move on and find someone who loves you for who you are, not for what they want you to be.

Good luck.


J.

[flutterfly]

Arky, you are so right about that. It is everything that I was thinking about writing but you said it all! ;) Good luck SG

[Essensual]

..oh Honey...

I hate to say this, but it sounds like sabotage to me. And it appears that he has a history of such insensitive behavior. This is truly unfortunate. In my opinion, love is demonstrative. That said, you may want to ask yourself (and then him) what EXACTLY he is demonstrating when he intentionally and habitually conducts himself this way. It seems (at the very least) a selfish act.

Please have a serious heart to heart with him and explain how his behavior makes you feel. I hope you two can come to a peaceful resolution. I stand in agreement with you.

Be Blessed.

[Autumn]

Arky, excellent response as usual.

I'd only like to add that perhaps your boyfriend feels 'left out' of your new lifestyle. Have you tried uncooking for him? For many couples, sharing meals is a big part of being together, and it sounds like you two enjoyed this especially. Maybe he feels he is losing this special time with you. Perhaps if you shared your excitement (and your recipes) with him, he wouldn't keep trying to sway you with cooked and/or dead foods. It might be worth a shot. :D

[dahgluvr]

That is so frustrating!! I agree with Arky! .....I hope that your bf steps up and gets some maturity and gives you the respect that you deserve! Is he interested in eating raw at all? Or what is his view on your raw food journey?

[sweetgoddess]

I would like to add one more suggestion.
Sometimes, a partner needs things spelled out to them VERY clearly. So perhaps, you could be very specific and outline for your boyfriend HOW he can support you. What exactly he could do to help you. In turn, perhaps you could ask him how he feels about your eating choices and why. There is surely a reason, even if he is unconscious as to what that is. Perhaps he is afraid to acknowledge his own health choices. There is some fear at the root of this for him.

Either way, clear, honest communication on both sides is the only key to mutual growth in a relationship. I hope this works out for you, if that is in your best interest.
Maybe you could plunk a plate of raw food in front of him, and needle him until he eats it....lol

Best wishes!

[pizda]

If you have a strong will and know what and why you are doing what you are doing NOBODY can "sabotage" you. Tell him that you will stop seeing (an may be eventually you should) him if he will not stop his cookie "shtick." ,-)))).
He is the one who is weak and needs to be instructed how to eat properly.

[Punky]

Arky, excellent response as usual.

I'd only like to add that perhaps your boyfriend feels 'left out' of your new lifestyle. Have you tried uncooking for him? For many couples, sharing meals is a big part of being together, and it sounds like you two enjoyed this especially. Maybe he feels he is losing this special time with you. Perhaps if you shared your excitement (and your recipes) with him, he wouldn't keep trying to sway you with cooked and/or dead foods. It might be worth a shot. :D

How truely frustrating for you Sicilian Girl!
So much great advice already. I agree he is not being supportive at all.
Along with a *serious* heart to heart,
I thought Autumn had a good suggestion above.
My husband is very supportive of me being raw as long as I do not try to convert him. I respect his wishes to stay a meateater although I encourage healthier choices for him. I think enjoying a meal together is very important still.
I make his cooked food but always add my raw to the mix for him to have some and for us to have dinner together. Like tonight I am grilling him a steak
but making a kale salad and raw miso soup.
Last night I wasn't very hungry and kept it simple; I added a plate of organic grapes and baby carrots to the families burgers.

I hope he will come to understand and accept your lifestyle.

[Sicilian Girl]

Thanks to you all for your advice. Unfortunately, I don't "uncook" at all right now, just eat fresh fruits and veggies and nuts etc. and he won't come near vegetables with a 10 foot pole. He is the meat part of a "meat and potatoes" man.

He has definite food issues and will not listen to my instruction or pleas that he eat better for at least his family's sake (he has two daughters). He thinks I am "extreme" and a "tree hugger". I explained to him how much better my body feels (he knows about intestinal issues from before) and that this makes so much sense for me. He just thinks I am a radical. (Better not tell him I am a liberal too!! ;) )

After several heart to hearts, I have come to the conclusion that a relationship with someone who tries to sabotage me is simply not worth my health. I choose me and that may sound selfish, but I cannot have someone in my life that does not respect me.

It's amazing what a change in diet reveals to you about those around you...

Thanks again...it's gonna be a tough road, but it's my road and I can hike it!

Ps. Good news though: I ordered an Excaliber and it's on it's way!!! :)

[sweetgoddess]

I think it is very beautiful that you are choosing to honor yourself. That isnt always the easiest choice to make. And it isnt at all selfish. Sometimes we have learned everything we can by someones side, and its time to move on, so you can both continue to grow.
You deserve to have your vision supported. I am proud of you for being true to yourself, and for being courageous enough to accept change. Have a hug to help you through! :p

Congratulations on the purchase of your new excalibur! I hope you discover many yummy treats with it.

Warmly~

[Arky]

He has definite food issues and will not listen to my instruction or pleas that he eat better for at least his family's sake (he has two daughters). He thinks I am "extreme" and a "tree hugger". I explained to him how much better my body feels (he knows about intestinal issues from before) and that this makes so much sense for me. He just thinks I am a radical. (Better not tell him I am a liberal too!! ;) )


This is a classic sign of a person preferring to undermine someone DOING what they feel unable to achieve. In other words, it's often easier for a person to feel threatened by another who is pursuing a healthier lifestyle, simply because the 'threatened observer' cannot motivate themself to do the same. Thus, it is easier to resolve that dissonance by selfishly undermining the healthy individual, rather than make the effort (as they should) to resolve the dissonance by addressing their own shortcomings to align them with the observed ideal. It's selfish and immature but, unfortunately, very common.

One of our members here (I'm so sorry, I can't recall who it is, at the moment) has a great signature quote:

"The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it."



After several heart to hearts, I have come to the conclusion that a relationship with someone who tries to sabotage me is simply not worth my health. I choose me and that may sound selfish, but I cannot have someone in my life that does not respect me.

Good for you!!! You've made an extremely positive decision to address your physical health, by eating sensibly, and now you've made an equally positive decision to address your emotional health by excluding negative/unsupportive influences from your life 'bubble'. I'm really pleased for you.




It's amazing what a change in diet reveals to you about those around you...


How true! I couldn't believe how much stick I got from my friends when I decided to cut my alcohol consumption down to (almost) nil. I don't mean the odd remark here and there - I mean sustained 'attacks' on my decision, deriding me and questioning me for several hours of an evening. Again, I view this very much in light of the dissonance perspective.


J.

[sweetgoddess]

One of our members here (I'm so sorry, I can't recall who it is, at the moment) has a great signature quote:
"The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it."

That would be our lovely Miss Linda!

[Maverick]

Some great comments here, for me I can't see being in a relationship that the people weren't supportive of each other. Sounds like some bigger issues here other than just food. JMO