Any advice for my wife and I? [Archive]

09-18-2009, 01:49 PM

I am 23 days into my all raw journey and feeling great and losing weight (blogged it (http://www.rawfoodtalk.com/blog.php?b=15962)), and it's putting pressure on my wife. She sees the benefits/results and is probably about 50/60lbs overweight herself, but she can't seem to commit.

I am pretty much an all or nothing kind of guy, so I think it's easier for me. Last time I was raw back in 2006, she did manage to increase her raw intake, up to maybe 50% at times, but she's never tried all raw for even a day.

This morning is a good example. She started off wanting to see if she could go the day raw. She had a pear and maybe an apple I'm not sure, but then she complained that her stomach felt unsettled and that she needed something to settle it, so she had some of the chocolate chip pancakes she had made for the kids. Thing is even with cooked food she is like that. Things she eats will make her stomach feel unsettled so she will resort to drinking soda drinks like Coke etc to settle her stomach, or whatever she feels is going to settle it at the time...

I just don't know what to say in those circumstances. We have a very low food budget, especially in our crazy circumstances right now (very long story), so whatever I suggest has to be super easy and cheap.. My suggestion this morning was try a banana as something more substantial, but by then she had made up her mind that it was the pancake that was the solution... Then the conversation always turns to her belief that she is not like me and can't go raw cold turkey and she just needs to slowly increase her raw intake. I am truly fine with that, but at least from my previous experience I know she'll never get raw enough to enjoy major results that way... Last time around I think she may have lost 10lbs or so, so I dont discredit that, and definitely hope she at least increases the raw..

Last time I was only raw for about 7 months so maybe I just need to stay patient... Maybe after a year or two if I can stay raw, then she'll come along? I just wish I could convince her try even a couple weeks all raw so she could taste of the promised land so to speak (and thusly be more motivated to work on increasing the raw in our kids diets)... But I doubt she's going to go for it and then I just don't like how it becomes a point of subtle tension between us. I think it was a key factor in me deciding to loosen my raw lifestyle the last time around, and then the cooked addictions took over when I eventually loosened too much... I try really hard to not put any pressure on her. I really don't think I do outside of the results she sees happening with me. I think she puts pressure on herself because she's uncomfortable with me weighing less than her (which is going to happen in another 10 pounds if she doesn't get going), etc..

So I don't know.. Thanks for letting me blab.. :)

margoss

09-18-2009, 02:18 PM

choc chip pancakes..always hit the spot for my dd!! I've learned by what many say here...we have to lead by example. I know it's difficult when you want her to join you,maybe she's intimidated bc it appears to be easy for you. It can be hard with other in the house not being raw too..the kids. That's an issue with me.
don't say anything except how good it taste & you feel. offer her a bite, if she says "no"..ok, more for me. If you dehydrate, she may like the meals betters.

iluvmangos

09-18-2009, 02:29 PM

I'm not sure what she means by her stomach feeling unsettled. To me, that sounds like a queasy feeling. If so, the foods she chooses to settle her stomach do not make sense. It seems like chocolate chip pancakes would make her stomach feel even more unsettled. Before raw, I'd sometimes choose a few crackers or some soup or even nothing at all if I felt too queasy.

It seems like maybe she's just making an excuse so she can have some cooked food and says her stomach feels unsettled so she won't be judged too harshly by you for eating cooked. Not saying that's necessarily what she's doing, but it just seems odd that she'd choose pancakes to settle her stomach as they seem like a very unsettling food. They would be for me anyway. I'm also not saying you'd actually judge her harshly for eating cooked, but maybe she feels that way for some reason.

Also, maybe her stomach feels unsettled because she's not following proper food combining rules. There's a food combining chart in Alissa's book. You could probably also find one online. Here are a couple videos on the importance of proper food combining.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gumnUgldOr0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvdU3NNoT68

You said she had an apple and a pear this morning. Maybe by "unsettled" she means "hungry". That doesn't sound like much of a breakfast, especially for someone just starting out. Maybe she just needs to eat more food to feel satisfied.

You said your food budget is low, but you may need to figure out how to save money in other areas or make more money so you can afford to eat enough food to feel satisfied. An apple and a pear just isn't going to cut it. Maybe it would for some people, but I'd be eating everything that wasn't nailed down by noon if that's all I had for breakfast.

Revvell

09-18-2009, 02:39 PM

I am 23 days into my all raw journey and feeling great and losing weight (blogged it (http://www.rawfoodtalk.com/blog.php?b=15962)), and it's putting pressure on my wife.

What is this "it" you speak of? There's no "it". She may be putting pressure on herself but, "it" isn't.

She sees the benefits/results and is probably about 50/60lbs overweight herself, but she can't seem to commit. There's more here than the food. She's got mental/emotional attachments to it and until those are resolved, she'll be having issues methinks.

I am pretty much an all or nothing kind of guy, so I think it's easier for me. Last time I was raw back in 2006, she did manage to increase her raw intake, up to maybe 50% at times, but she's never tried all raw for even a day. There's fear there. Sounds like deprivation, addiction, etc.

We have a very low food budget.. Yet you can afford chocolate chip cookies and soda? Why not suggest thing that are more nutritious.

Then the conversation always turns to her belief that she is not like me and can't go raw cold turkey and she just needs to slowly increase her raw intake.That's common and, as I said, unless she releases the fears of not being able to have her "comfort" drugs (coke, chocolate cookies, pancakes), she's going to resist. She's not like you.

I am truly fine with that, but at least from my previous experience I know she'll never get raw enough to enjoy major results that way...You're not fine with it then?

Maybe after a year or two if I can stay raw, then she'll come along? Maybe, maybe not. Why are you pushing her? Why don't you leave her alone to be who SHE is? If she were the one going raw (or, whatever food program she chose) and you didn't want to, would you want to be nagged constantly? Sounds as though there may be some rebelliousness from her side as well. My advice, leave her to her otherness and take care of yourself.

But I doubt she's going to go for it and then I just don't like how it becomes a point of subtle tension between us. You're creating it by trying to get someone to do something they don't want to do.

I try really hard to not put any pressure on her. Stop "trying" and stop!

I think she puts pressure on herself because she's uncomfortable with me weighing less than her (which is going to happen in another 10 pounds if she doesn't get going), etc.. Her choice. She is an adult, yes?

So I don't know.. Thanks for letting me blab.. :)Yer welcome. :D

09-18-2009, 02:51 PM

T-Bird

09-18-2009, 03:46 PM

TP - if you don't mind my asking - how old are you and your wife and your kids?

My general comment is just that she needs to want to do it. If she doesn't want to do it, and thinking she should isn't really wanting, she likely won't.

Hard as it may be, she needs to make her own choices.....and live with them.

09-18-2009, 04:36 PM

Wife and I are 38, Kids are 12,10,5 and 4

I really think she wants to do it, or at least in increasing portion of her. And a portion of her probably feels she should.. These are the parts that I have to engage when she brings it up.. But as Revvell said, she is different than me, so that was part of why I posted this thread, just to see if I am missing something because of my manness.. :) I am sure I am missing many things but in this regard it does come back down to what you said. She really has to want it for herself, and want it bad enough. Shoot I am such a mystery to myself even. My first go around with raw I jumped right in. Then it was almost three years, knowing that I was hurting myself and missing the rawness, but ultimately it took a minor health crisis in my life to motivate me to break ties and go for it again. I just hope it doesn't take that for her..

Thanks,
Todd

Dimond

09-18-2009, 04:44 PM

She needs to start out with more filling, satisfying raw foods. Most need those more at the beginning instead of simpler foods. A green smoothie 32-48 oz is a great breakfast. There's many other ideas for meals that can work that aren't expensive such as soups, zucchini pasta, wraps with a pate, etc. Adding fats such as avocado, oils and nuts helps.

09-18-2009, 05:52 PM

Good point. She likes the green smoothies too, at least in the past she would make them with me, except she would insist on adding soy milk to hers. Ugh lol..

bsqmurphy

09-18-2009, 05:58 PM

This is kinda the reverse of my household. I'm working on living RAW & my hubby likes the idea & the results, but has no commitment to taking consistent action.

So, here are some of my thoughts...

I think this is really pretty simple. You make the choices you are committed to for yourself and she does the same for herself. You are on your path & she is on hers. You also have to be really clear with her that you are making choices for you & you are 100% OK with her making whatever choices she makes for her. (And you do have to be 100% OK with it - that's not a statement you can BS your way through. If you're not OK with it, then start working on that first.)

My spouse is the last person I want to learn anything from - it's too easy to slip into power struggle dynamics. The reverse is also true. So, we have developed a strategy that works for us.

If I see some way that I might be able to educate/help him (like I have a great raw food suggestion to supplement or replace his food choice), I ask him, "would you like a suggestion/idea/help/support?" or "what would be helpful for you right now?" And then I shut my mouth & listen. :)

If he truly wants some support from me, I can then offer it. If not, he'll let me know - and then I drop it. Often I'll give him a resource that gives him the help so I'm not the one doing it directly.

Good luck on your own Raw journey.
Bri.

09-18-2009, 06:11 PM

Good thoughts! Thank you! :)

D'vorah

09-18-2009, 07:57 PM

First reply to iluvmangos:
She definitely knows about the combining... She just doesnt care (yet). The things that she feels like will settle her stomach are indeed a mystery, but after 14 years of marriage I know she means it.. :) But I think you helped me realize something... I think I need to suggest to her next time she tries a raw day, if I can get her to try, is to make a fruit salad, and make sure she tries to eat it all. She had the pear, and maybe an apple, and she was basically saying she coudn't eat any more fruit because it was making her stomach unsettled and nauseaus. So she then went for something that sounded settling to her.. I agree not a settling thing, but she is a peculiar creature at times..

reply to Revvell:
I agree and appreciate with most of what you said. My only thing, and I don't believe I am in denial, is that I am really not pressuring her. She brings it up with me, and I have to go through the balancing act of wanting to try to persuade her etc. I am almost 100% positive if you were to ask her if I was pressuring her, she'd say I wasn't. At the same time, there is no denying that I very much want her to embark on the journey with me, so I do feel a tension as we go along and I don't like what I watch her doing to her body..

Thanks for the replies!

I have to agree with Revvell, you have to let go and let her be wherever she is. You said you're not pressuring her, but you also said, ". . .if I can get her to try. . . ."

"Get" implies that you have control over her choice. Sounds like pressure to me, even if it's mild in presentation. It's not your choice to make, it's hers.

And personally, if I were to stumble into this message board and find that my husband called me "a peculiar creature" to a group of strangers, I'd feel rather hurt.

Respect her, let her be herself in it all and do what satisfies you for your life. It's more than possible to be different and be together, so says this wife of a hard-core h*nter and me*at eater.

Deborah

09-18-2009, 08:27 PM

Alas the trouble with written messages in strange lands without inflections etc, because I didn't think anything derogatory at all about calling her peculiar, as far as what I intended. We all have our peculiarities.. I meant it in the same sense as being unique. She is a unique creation. Is that a better choice of words? And you're right, we're just strangers here so I guess I shouldn't write so much... I'm saying too much when I should listen more.. That's probably why I am usually more of a lurker in places like this.. My enthusiasm from how good I've been feeling got the better of me today..

By "get" I only meant "persuade". When my wife shows interest in wanting to join me in eating healthier, I naturally want to persuade her in that.. If she showed none, I wouldn't have any problem. She's not opposed to this, she just has as hard time abandoning herself to it.. I do feel like I respect her, and don't think she would say that I have disrespected her.. While I guess my words don't reflect it very well so far, I love my wife and think the best of her and my intention here was to see if there is anything that can help her that I am missing, and I do appreciate your input..

Thanks,
Todd

09-18-2009, 08:32 PM

Oh, and in case she ever does read this, I also realized earlier that I didn't do my math right on her weight. She is probably only about 45 pounds from her wedding weight.. :D

snoops

09-18-2009, 10:27 PM

ohhh - good save;)

bsqmurphy

09-18-2009, 11:28 PM

By "get" I only meant "persuade". When my wife shows interest in wanting to join me in eating healthier, I naturally want to persuade her in that..

I love my wife and think the best of her and my intention here was to see if there is anything that can help her that I am missing, and I do appreciate your input..

Thanks,
Todd

Hey Todd,

I believe 100% that you love & respect your wife and want the absolute best for her - otherwise you wouldn't be here asking for support. Here's the key to supporting her - it needs to be in the ways she wants & on her terms for it to truly be supportive of her.

So... when you talk about persuading her... that's the time to ask questions & listen rather than talk & persuade. Find out what she truly wants & what she sees as helpful & supportive. Then you'll both be on your way. :)

Bri.

Queen Bean

09-18-2009, 11:47 PM

TP

Why don't you suggest that your wife drink half a litre of water first thing with a quarter of a lemon in it? That may be a good cleanse before she starts eating for the day. The thing is, combining cooked and raw food, or even going 100% raw, there is most likely going to be some readjusting and possible digestive issues, so unless she's prepared for that, it doesn't seem likely she'll stay the course.

I'd love my boyfriend to eat a lot more raw food, but he doesn't get it. If I'm eating a salad he'll say 'you need to eat proper food'. He is a vegetarian though. Maybe she won't change until she sees you really flourishing.

Another idea is not making it so hard. Here is an example of a transition idea for her. For a month, everything she eats until lunchtime is to be raw. Then the next month everything up until 6pm. And then maybe from then on you could introduce a full raw day each month. Or something like that, so that she builds on her successes slowly and at her own pace.

Suz58

09-19-2009, 01:48 AM

It sounds to me as if your wife is sugar sensitive and addicted to it. I have been trying to be raw for years but keep going back to cakes and things, I have also been drinking too much caffeine:theanine and wine. I have just found a book by Patrick Holford called 'How to quit without feeling s**t'. Using amino acids and supplements and a diet rich in protein. I have been able to give up alcohol and tea for two weeks with no cravings. I have no cravings for sugar and feel much much better. I now feel like raw may be a possibility.
If you can't afford the book and amino acids then a good diet would help. Make each meal protein and complex carbo. The amino acid l-Glutamine is the main one for stopping carbohydrate/sugar cravings. Lots in sprouted lentils. I got mine quite cheaply from a website called MyProtein.co.uk
If your wife can ease the cravings then raw may be a possibility.
Why not get in the kitchen yourself and make some substantial raw dishes for your wife. Raw muffins and pancakes for breakfast for example.

rawrawks

09-19-2009, 06:45 AM

was gonna give my two cents but you have alot here. Best to you on rawkin life.

Aleesha Sattva

09-19-2009, 10:14 AM

Using amino acids and supplements and a diet rich in protein.

Why buy amino acids when your raw diet is RICH in them? Follow Alissa's suggestions in her book - eat lots of raw foods. If you or your wife have cravings for sweets, eat them... just make sure they are raw.

When I began my journey over two years ago... I ate a dessert every day. I would prepare a few and freeze them in individual pieces so I could just go into the freezer, grab a few and put them on a plate.

Flax crackers are another great suggestion for when you first go raw... but don't forget all those wonderfully delicious raw foods in their totally natural form. They are full of amino acids, full of nutrition and full of taste!

;)
Aleesha

Aleesha Sattva

09-19-2009, 10:26 AM

okay I posted before I read your entire thread... so let me add to my post.

I went raw two years ago. My entire family, especially my hubby made it clear they would not be joining me. No problem. I shared my knowledge and experience with anyone who wanted to know what I was doing to be releasing so much weight and feeling so good. I was literally glowing!

As time went on... I found my friends going raw, I found my kids asking me to make them a smoothie, or to share some of my yummy juice.

Fast forward to today... my daughter is 50% raw (which is HUGE for this little non-anything-raw person) and my hubby is about 90% raw (i'm guessing cause honestly this whole percentage of raw thing is just a rough-guestimation at best). Why are they raw? Cause they've watched me flourish in the last two years. They watched the mom they knew who couldn't do much of anything due to my weight and lack of energy - to going for a walk or two everyday, doing yoga... living my life to the FULLEST - and all on raw foods.

So my suggestion to you: focus on YOU. Get yourself raw. Get yourself healthy. Release YOUR weight... and let your family do what they do.

At some point, they may choose to join you - if not... at least they have a super healthy dad/hubby!!!

09-19-2009, 11:56 AM

Thanks everyone. A lot of good ideas in these posts... I have Alissa's book (and dvd) and have been suggesting she read it with just about every conversation we've had lately about diet, so hopefully that will happen because it's so motivating. You're right too that the more success she sees in my life, the more that naturally motivates. I also look forward to getting to the point creatively where I can make some things that she will enjoy with me as alternatives to her go to cooked foods.. I really think that will help.

katchmoleen

09-19-2009, 06:47 PM

One more suggestion, take over as much of the food preparation as you can possibly handle with you work schedule, and make delicious raw food. NOT choco chip pancakes! Your wife will love the break and you will be exposing your family to some wonderful foods.

pbuttercwup

09-19-2009, 07:23 PM

An all fruit breakfast would unsettle my stomach very quickly. I need something a little heavier in there. I usually blend fruit, with greens of some sort and hemp hearts and some coconut oil...if I just have fruit I am very sick first thing in the morning. Not sure why, but she may need more than just fruit.

Revvell

09-19-2009, 07:51 PM

Actually, you can make raw pancakes and "bacon". The pancakes especially taste better than the "real" version ~ and, better for ya.

One more suggestion, take over as much of the food preparation as you can possibly handle with you work schedule, and make delicious raw food. NOT choco chip pancakes! Your wife will love the break and you will be exposing your family to some wonderful foods.

09-19-2009, 09:02 PM

I look forward to doing this, but I am slow on the go. The budget constraints are severe right now and that's no excuse.. It's just reality... I am very impressed with myself this weekend because I made some impromptu dips last night and today in the blender that I really enjoyed. Too much garlic tonight though stand back!

Oh and more evidence that I love my wife: I've had the kids since yesterday afternoon and she is away on her own this weekend.. ;-) :) :D

I do have to look into some raw pancakes though. I bet I could get some takers around here.. :)

andra

09-19-2009, 09:18 PM

My suggestion echos everyone else; just stay focused on your journey and allow your wife to find her own way. If she makes comments about raw, just smile and nod and allow her to find her way. If she asks for specifics from you, I would just tell her where she can find the answers and then if she is truly motivated, she will look up the link, read the article etc.

I would also try to foster joy in non food kinds of ways. With children, it can be hard to remember to have self care activities since so much energy is channeled into parenting. So maybe increase quality time together--go for walks and hold hands, slow dance to music together....I think you know what I mean. There are numerous free activities you can do together to rekindle joy and take the focus off of food.

Food is a very emotionally charged issue for many people and women often have a lot of baggage wrapped up with the whole food issue. Sometimes the back door approach will help somebody make better choices. And really, I imagine you are wanting your wife to improve her health and wellbeing and for her the approach may be totally different from your strategies. In the meantime, you can both be loving and joyful with and towards each other.

andra

katchmoleen

09-19-2009, 09:18 PM

That is great! My own raw story as far as my marriage is concerned is that I am the one with all the health problems and my husband is one of those hale and hearty guys who weighs less than he did in high school and rarely gets sick. He would often try to pressure me into doing certain health things and I usually resisted because I felt he did not understand my situation at all, being as healthy as he is. The decision to go raw over three months ago was my very own and he was very skeptical at first. I did not try to get any of my family to go raw with me, just kept cooking for them and making raw for my. After a few weeks, one daughter went raw. After a few months, another daughter went raw. My husband's enthusiasm began to grow as he saw me change. Never once did I ever say a word to him about going raw with me. But I let everyone sample my food and they all love it. He does not want our young children to be 100% raw as he believes a certain amount of meat is healthy, and that is fine, but the whole family is now pretty high raw. In a week he plans to join me for a green smoothie fast. Anytime he meets someone with health challenges, he tells them all about raw. I think he talks about it more than I do!

Here's an idea for you. For breakfast, you make everyone a green smoothie before you go to work. Bananas are CHEAP and with some sale lettuce or spinach make a quick and easy breakfast.
For supper, have your wife make the meat dish and you make a raw dish for everyone to share. If she wants to round out the meal with potatoes or rice or whatever, fine, but at least you are sharing in the meal prep, which will bring you closer, and your family will get a good raw dish. I would LOVE it if my husband cooked with me, but he never ever ever will. Just his way, and that's ok.;)

We spend $150/week to feed 7 people ages 8, 10, 14, 16, 18, and two adults. Three are raw and the rest are high raw. No it is not easy but it is WORTH IT.

09-19-2009, 09:28 PM

Well said and appreciated Andra.

Katchmo you are amazing! $150 a week with everyone high raw.. That's phenomenal..

I have tried things as you've mentioned since I started back raw a few weeks ago, and I think it's just a matter of persevering.. I make extra green smoothie for the fam in the morning and then I struggle because either they don't want it, don't like it, or they waste it.. I do make enough salad for everyone at dinner too, but then they all just put a couple bites worth on their plate and play polite about it.. It's definitely now a goal to bring some more interesting things to the table.. I'll get there.. ;)

revdrcyn

09-19-2009, 10:37 PM

Does your wife know about Raw Food Talk? Maybe she could hang out with us and get some support and motivation!

09-19-2009, 11:13 PM

She does but she is focused on other interests online.... Maybe at some point she'll come aboard..

Suz58

09-21-2009, 09:42 AM

Why buy amino acids when your raw diet is RICH in them? Follow Alissa's suggestions in her book - eat lots of raw foods. If you or your wife have cravings for sweets, eat them... just make sure they are raw.

When I began my journey over two years ago... I ate a dessert every day. I would prepare a few and freeze them in individual pieces so I could just go into the freezer, grab a few and put them on a plate.

Flax crackers are another great suggestion for when you first go raw... but don't forget all those wonderfully delicious raw foods in their totally natural form. They are full of amino acids, full of nutrition and full of taste!

;)
Aleesha

Why does the hippocrates institute sell a raw vegan protein powder if they didn't believe that sometimes people need it?

Revvell

09-21-2009, 10:15 AM

Why does the hippocrates institute sell a raw vegan protein powder if they didn't believe that sometimes people need it?

To make money. Also, they know people aren't going to stay on the program once they leave. It's easier to take powders, pills capsules. It's the nature of the human beast. They don't want to change. They want to continue what they've always done; what's easy.

IF one is eating/drinking fully raw, they're getting what they need. If not, they're not.

Raw Angel Mom

09-21-2009, 11:56 AM

If you haven't done that yet, treat yourself with Alissa's dvd. She is in my humble opinion one of the best to motivate people and to make feel that raw food is exciting.

Quick snack salty : Avocado with anything. I like onion, heabs if available if not no big deal, tomato. A bit of apple vinager, agave and seltic sea salt. Voila.

Quick sweet snack, any nut fudge.

Keep banana in your freezer, they are delicious to make icecream (only need a cheap food processor).

My advice for your wife, is to LOVE HER the way she is not matter what she choose to eat. She will feel inspire by you. Don't judge her and refrain yourself to have any thoughts of hoping she eats different. She isn't blind and will see how great you look with raw food.

Watch raw food dvd together and enjoy!

Congratulations with your raw food journey!

RawDawn

09-21-2009, 07:51 PM

You've received a lot of great ideas from people much more experienced than I, but the one little thing I did want to comment on was the apple issue. I used to be the exact same way when I would eat apples (never have been able to like pears much, so I'm not sure about that). I would get an "unsettled," acid-y feeling in my tum that I felt I could only relieve by eating some carbs (usually bread or crackers). I felt (correctly or incorrectly) that they would absorb that ick feeling, and it did always work.

Since being raw I no longer have this problem...in fact I ate three apples yesterday on the way home from the orchard and felt great! One thing that helped me was to gradually incorporate greater amounts of apple into my green smoothies.

Anyways, all just a long way of saying that she shouldn't be discouraged if certain raw foods don't agree with her right now. Obviously this is a journey she needs to take at her own pace, if at all...but do let her know she's not the only one who feels funky after apples! ;) If she's interested in having fruit in the morning she might want to try a banana (or seven) instead.

Dawn

tzip

09-21-2009, 08:41 PM

Well, I can certainly relate to the queezy feeling raw food sometimes gives. for me also, starches was the only thing to settle it. I do have a mild case of IBS and even though I have been highly and often fully raw for the last 3 years , I still can get those queezy feelings that raw foods can aggravate. Salads, fruits, nuts, oils and avacados are so offputting to me during those queezy times. Only crackers and other starches can settle my stomach at those times. I really don't know why this is. I would think that my body would only ask for raw foodss at this satge of my journey. It just isn't so. Your wife might experience similar reactions.
It is very hard to judge anybody since we are all so different.
Of course if is also likely that she is just making excuses to eat pancakes...