why do we do this to ourselves

[delerium]

I was just doing some analyzing and evaluating of myself writing down feelings and ideas. here is what i wrote. I know many here can relate but I was hoping someone could give me more opinions ideas and mostly solutions.

first i should begin with beginning. I went raw and saw many great changes and was the closest ive ever been in my life to being happy and most importantly almost completely content with my body and mentaly as well. In just barely the last week i fell off the raw wagon with a vengance from hell. I am now worse than ever before ever even hearing of raw. I eat and eat and eat. i eat even more than when i used to smoke pot and have the munchies. i eat until im over stuffed and eat some more feeling so sick physically and mentally saying oh god i will remember how awful this feels in every way and THATS why this wont happen again. i stopped smoking cigarettes and this has gradually started again over the last week along with the eating. so i started makin a positive list of things while raw and reasons why i should be raw again and things i will gain back from being raw so let me begin with this list.
things that will benefit:
acne and complexion
hair skin and nails
weight
eyes (fluid retention)
PCOS
ease in depression
my happiness with self and in social casual and intimate relations
mental and emotional health
physical health
more comfortable mobility
more comfortable in clothes
more comfortalbe in own skin and with body
closer to being truly happy with self in all aspects
only in optimal physical health can i move on to work on mental health
(sexually) smell and taste sweeter
mental clarity
mentaly stronger
feel more attractive
to clear addictions of all kind(while raw wasnt eating bad or smoking which are addictions)
become closer to physical and mental enlightenment
keep on top of things such as daily chores neatness and completeing daily responsibilities and tasks
more energymore postive energy
far less negative anythings
comparing myself to others a little less
mental energy steeres less at negative and more at positive things

then i stopped this list and went on to reasonings

if i did it before i can do it again (go and stay happily raw)
if it made me happy doing it before it will if i do it again
since i did it before for a good length of time i saw the results and the results from falling off the raw wagon and the experience of the downfall that followed.
maybe once back on the wagon ill be less liekly to fall off again because i can just read this and remember how awful it got
remember how cheap evil false excuses are easily made and believed. like oh well i already ate cooked today and this allows me to continue to binge on cooked for the rest of that day and then the same things starts over the next day and the next day and the next...
saying oh just one time just one piece of pizza. ive gone so long being raw one time wont hurt. ive earned it... my health is so optimal now just one time wont have any bad permanant effects...
well just this one time is all it takes and youre hooked all over again and falling endlessly downward with the cooked food falling endlessly downaward into your tummy.
if health is so optimal you wouldnt jeporadize what youve worked so hard on achieving (raw health) and worked so hard and long to get where your at.
and just 3-6 days of cooked binging can reverse a month or more of raw work!
that "just one time" is all it takes to make you crash and burn
so yes it will be jsut one time because after that one time you wont bounce back to raw optimal health to have that "just one time" again it will be the the painful constant struggle with food all over again
you know all of this and you so strongly dont want to go through the addiction and downfall again so what inside allows you to fall again?

even 1/2 through writing this i did it again...relapsed on binging
so why is it i do it again and again
is it a cry for help from some other underlying cause...most likely
is it self punishment self pity shame guilt remorse and need? ive always been needy anyways and those emotional needs never met from those i need it from. So food tries to help me but only destroys me more

after all the experienced success from not doing these things....it always falls back to the same question....that if i know the consequences-good and bad-then
WHY DO I DO THEE THINGs to myself. why cant i give my health a break from actions that only lead to horrid consequences visually emotionally and mentaly?



so thats what i wrote. it might be hard to understand all of it because i was writing very fast and know what im referring to in my own mind so i wasnt elaborating it all for others to be able to fully understand but you can get the jist of what im saying and how im ratioanlizing....

hahaha and im writing this after eating peanut butter cheesy bbq meatballs chicken salad sucking down diet soda and smoking cigarette butts. not cigarettes but fucking cigarette butts becuase no ones home to get a whole one from. i am so sad gross and pathetic.

in the last single week ive gone off raw to binging on cooked food all day everyday crying feeling miserable. ive gained atleast 10 pounds back and more is steadily being distributed from the last day and a halfs worth of binging i see it in my face my complexion is dull again...no raw glow anymore acne coming again going back to dull puss face. thinking about how if i just stop all this now it will be easier and faster to get back to my healkthy raw state but then i think oh that will take another month all over again.

ok ill stop rambling and leave you with this



why...god why?

[sport]

Your body belongs to you. It is your responsibility and you are the one that suffers if you do not take care of it. There is no replacement if you push it beyond what it can take. When all is said and done it will be the last thing that will leave you. If others have hurt you then that is their problem. You have to rise above that. Make a pact with your body the same way you would with a child that had no body to take care of it but you. Your body has no one to take care of it but you and it needs you desperatly right now. You be there for it now and it will be there for you when you need it

[pizda]

Same reason why people dope themself, smoke and drink. You are addicted to food and food tastes that you have been "braiswashed" since childhood.
FOOD ADDICTION. Period. People will write you suggestions and "hold" your hands. BS. You are an addict. You either do it yourself, as I did or look for treatment. Take a stand. Just like in the drug situation. Just say no ...to yourself.

[Revvell]

Sounds to me like an upper limits question. No time to elaborate now as I'm headed out the door yet, if you do a search here it's possible you might find some things I've written about it. If not, lemme know and I'll expound or expand or something like that.

:cool:

[star]

I read this board all the time but I have not written anything in such a long time. However, your cry for help was more than I could stand and had to say something. If it makes you feel any better, I have done the same thing many, many times and felt exactly as you described. While Pizda's comment sounded rather "in your face", it's absolutely true. Every word of it is true, true, true. I know that I am a big food addict and I am fighting it constantly. For me, I had to just fast in order to get past this addiction. It took me several fasts to get it right. But I simply got so tired of beating myself up just like what you are doing. To be honest with you, there is nothing that we can really do "per se" because something has to trigger it for you. Sometimes it's just one sentence from someone, sometimes it's an incidence. For me, it was just out right tired of the abuse on my body as well as a statment that I read in a book by SAD diet Fitness guru. He said "Can you trust someone who repeatedly lies to you?" Of course my answer was no, I would not believe a word that person says. Well, that is what we do when we repeatedly pledge to stop harming our bodies but only continue to do so over and over again. That statement made me so mad. Who are you to call me a liar, I thought. Then almost immediately, I came to realize it was true. I had lied to myself so much that each time, I made a new committment, I didn't really believe I would follow through with it. So, realizing that I was addicted and that I was a liar, I had to logically do something about the addiction before I could stay true to the committment. For me, that meant fasting but for you it may be something else. Hopefully, this helps in some way.

[LNdolls]

I second the emotions of the posts so far in answer to you... and add this tiny thing.. Sometimes we struggle with ourselves before we accept the truth of the head and allow it into our hearts.
I discovered that my body wanted raw in November.. I am finally clear enough to make the change happen.. and I, too am doing a cleanse to smooth the way for me.
But the last 8 months my body has been a battle ground between my heart and head's ideas of what works.. I coped with the battles as best I could and then got angry and eager for a solution and I READ!! Online and off I scoured for my clarity... I dug into everyone's story and found it. You can, too.
It sounds to me like you need a simple touchstone, your reason.. your truth that you can identify and cling to about why you are raw.
Best Always,
LN

[Rawmommie]

I think most of us have been there at some time or another. Some of us just more recently. :rolleyes: I'm not sure there is anything worse than KNOWING what is right for your body and knowing what you should do and then not doing it. It beats down your soul.

You have to make the decision to let go of the food and do what you know in your heart is right. I struggle with it almost every day. Sometimes it's easy and sometimes I lose the battle with myself. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone and if you keep coming here, and keep reading, it will help you to stay strong.

[Sweet lips]

I teach a class on life style and support systems - and one of the questions I ask folks is where do they want to be in five years? They ponder and then come up with answer. The next part of the exercise is how will you get there, and they ponder and then come up with answer, and finally, I ask them to now break it down to just today - and make a statement for JUST TODAY - what will it take for them to reach that one goal, just today and you know what - when all is said and done, it is most successful, because it relieves the pressure of trying to foretell the future, and make it work for a 24 hour term and sometimes, it can be just 24 seconds.

I don't have the right to identify your problem, as I have my own. Anytime I point a finger at you - I have four more pointing back at me, and since I have not been in your skin, I don't know it like that, so the "in your face" comments, do not set well with me, because I can't fix you and I don't think any one else here can do so as well, but we can support you. You do deserve support, if that is what you want -you see many times people ask for support to do the right thing, when in essence that is not where they are that moment.

You have asked yourself some very valuable questions - some that will take sometime to answer, some that will require someone with training to help you answer and some that you have already answered - so today, what do you want - don't worry about the why you want, just decide for today, what you want, and determine who you are and start there.

If you want support, and honest support, then ask for that. Okay. and as for asking God why, I believe that God answers questions three ways - yes, no, and wait. Where are you?

[racheljj]

Hi. First, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I can relate because I, personally, have had a similar experience, and I know of others who have had one too. I think part of it is getting into the diet mentality...for some people, myself included, trying to go all raw was just another diet. When we try to force ourselves to "diet", then we often end up with a binge afterwards. I've heard that you can take a completely "normal" person and turn them into an emotional wreck by putting them on a diet.

Secondly, I really believe that we all have different dietary needs. You body may need more nuts or more fat or more carbs. We each need to figure out what works for our bodies and minds and then do that. It works better for me when I look at it that way. For example, I don't eat dairy or wheat any more. Not because I CAN'T but because I CHOSE not too! I don't like what they do to my body and have made a choice not to consume those foods anymore.

My advice to you (and my advice to myself) is to not be so hard on yourself and to take it a step at a time. Do whatever you need to make it work for you (eat high raw rather than all raw, do a 30 day challenge with a buddy, etc.)! My friend emmaann and I are doing a 30 day raw challenge together that we started this week. I've always had great success working together with others.

Good luck,

Rachel

[sweetgoddess]

Delerium, what an incredibly honest, vulnerable post.

I would like to share a few things I have learned from the same questions you have had, just in case anything there could help you right now.

Your body and food choices are a very small part. They are things you deal with on the outer. The challenge is on the inner.
Someone can fill their house to the brim with all raw,living food, the necessary equipment and raw books etc. So they have created the conditions necessary to eat all raw food. And yet still eat cooked, even though they mentally want to eat raw. Why? We dont go from conditions to states, we go from states to conditions. Meaning, when an inner change is made, as a natural reflection, so too will the outer conditions change.
For a lasting change in conditions, you have to change your state.

So, dont wait for optimal physical health to begin working on your mental/emotional/spiritual self. Your body is only a vehicle.
There was a line in your post that really grabbed me.
"ive always been needy anyways and those emotional needs never met from those i need it from. So food tries to help me but only destroys me more."

WOW. This was one of the hardest lessons I have learned in this lifetime-but the most rewarding because it grants you complete freedom.. Nobody ( as in no BODY ) can fill your needs except for you. The people in your life cannot fill your needs for you. And thinking they can and should causes so much emotional unhappiness.

So, my point here is, we have to change our thoughts. Most of our thoughts are reactionary. Re-action....re-in-action. Those thoughts will create the same circumstances over and over and over....that is what has to be changed in order to change your state and your outer circumstance.

Well, I dont want to go on and on.......I can empathise with what you are saying. It is great that you are questioning. That means the re-action is not a place where you are content any longer.

You can always email me at sweetgoddess333@yahoo.com if you would like to chat more about this.
Big hugs to you~

[aisah]

Hi Delerium! I can connect with you because when I eat I can over eat. Most find comfort and solace in consuming foods. Be it cooked or raw! I found that I can still overeat in raw!! After which I would feel terrible. It took me several over eating incidence to realize that I am doing myself harm.

What I found is that I whenever I am hungry, I make sure I make a meal out of it, say a fruit platter (even if it is a mono diet, to make them look more platable and presentable, visual works here, our minds need to be tricked!!!). While making it, I make sure I do not 'pop' any into my mouth till the preparation is complete. Then I make sure I am seated comfortably, and seated upright. Take a few deep breaths, connect myself with my prepared meal. Say a prayer/gratitude (usually with my eyes closed and naturally I noticed I would smile). Bless the food knowing that it would not only nourish my body, hence my mind and soul but fill it with love, strength and abundant of joy too! Then I would CONSCIOUSLY take a bite and CHEW THOROUGHLY and SLOWLY (the words in caps are very important stages for me for it brings awareness to the entire process). By doing so, I feel full faster and there is no need to binge for I am not overeating and not just sustaining myself but I am nourishing my body, my vehicle hence I can now happily make my spiritual journey ;)

Key is to make sure you have a plate of meal and seated when you eat. Not to simply stand in the kitchen and sink your teeth into whatever you can get hold off and have quick bites and followed by another bite of whatever you are holding on the other hand and you notice it is downhill all the way from there (no matter how hungry you are!! take small bites and be seated when eating!). Not talking helps too! Make eating a prayerful time. Time for yourself. When you talk not only you swallow unwanted air with your meals, but some talks can be negative (no matter how much you want to avoid) and that will affect the state of your food, mind and ultimately affects you on the whole!!

I wish you the best! :)

[rawgrrl]

The same thing happened to me. I had been raw for about a week when I treated myself to pizza. Not just pizza, but the best pizza in town. Oh. my. god. The cooked cravings were just as you described. Not only did I have to eat cooked food, but in gargantuan amounts.

You aren't alone. A lot of people go through this on the way to raw. Know that you're still on the path.

After a few weeks, the cravings kind of wore down and I went back to regular sized meals. I took some time off from trying to go raw (it felt like I had no choice, my body wasn't going to let me go raw), and started reading more about it, incorporating more raw dishes in my diet, slowly adding to my knowledge of raw and slowly adding raw eating experiences to my life. It wasn't as fast as I would have liked. In fact, I was pretty impatient to get raw already, but I just took my time.

It took months, and about 8 months later, I was completely raw.

Take your time. It will come to you.