Laur
06-29-2009, 09:10 AM
Hi, Forum!
I am looking for a community to share my journey with.
I'm a competent, intelligent person from a privileged part of society and who was given an excellent formal education but who has been almost totally incapacitated by what I name compulsive overeating/food addiction.
I have been on 100% raw foods since April 24, 2008 -- one year and two months ago. For around 20 years -- since college -- I have held the 100% raw diet as a goal and for the past 13+ years stuck mostly to it but slipped off quite frequently, so my system was still periodically getting stuffed with processed food (often diet food, so the caloric impact was lower, which I do hold to have been a good decision; but still, the food was processed and therefore still let me in for a lot of mental and physical illness.. raw food is a lot gentler & also minimizes caloric impact if overeaten. Hard to eat a huge quantity of calories if you are eating raw. I must acknowledge the relief and benefit of being able to control my weight -- through just having certain rules for eating [basically, calorie counting] but I am just trying to avoid lying to myself and ignoring the fact that I still treat food as a drug, a thrill, a high... it is hard to explain.. and this thrill-seeking, high-impact eating invariably makes me "drunk" and unable to function; and then hung over). I knew I had to make the life choice to be all raw in order even to begin real healing.
I have fasted once a week (24 to 36 hours) for several years, knowing I need to learn to fast at greater lengths for the healing I need but not able to sustain fasts because of my severe emotional dependence on food (my "fix," which has come to be such a painful, misery-creating, physically, neurologically/mentally/emotionally, and spiritually agonizing habit).
I have suffered horribly in my life from depression and anxiety -- which have left me very dysfunctional. I very clearly understand the depression and anxiety to be directly caused (by by my out-of-control, or barely-controlled, but absolutely tormenting, compulsive overeating, which a commitment to a non-triggering (or, as non-triggering as I can manage) diet
I'm someone who has been interested in fasting for most of her life -- ever since I was a child, in a way, though I did not recognize or name my need as a need to fast, or my problem as one of "food addiction --" which I believe it is -- at the time.
When I was about three, I wrote several books, that is, I dictated stories to my mother and then illustrated them. One of these books is the very revealing story of a dog who "ate so many dog cookies he was not hungry for dinner." The dog instinctively then fasted for three days, getting relief from this process. I noted the dog got a bit thinner as he fasted, and I remember the line "and on the third day he was the thinnest of all [the days thus far]" ... I was focused, as our society tends to, fearfully, on the weight loss that occurs during fasting.... i think this is part of a fearfulness about fasting which I wish somehow to combat by writing about fasting, weight, my experiences. I notice a growing neurotic fear of thinness and a severe rejection of thinness in the media which seems to me to be a neurotic aspect of food addiction... I feel our society is more food addicted than anyone really realizes and has gotten over-fearful of thinness... I think this is just an interesting psychological aspect of being in a food-addicted state -- experiencing a terror of starvation or thinness. I thinkit's significant. i only pay attention to it in my own journey because I have got to fast and this is hard if people out in my environment are sure fasting leads immediately to death, or that thinness is somehow in itself dangerous -- the kind of thinness that may result from a longer fast such as I feel i need... I have been encouraged by reading Isabelle Moser (soilandhealth.com), who fasted "to completion" and braved this very thin state; and who prescribed and supervised fasting even for thin persons, and found it gave them healing, without endangering them. In trying to bring myself to fast at any length I combat a lot of terror (will my body stay sick forever, no matter how long I fast for??? and other anxious thoughts -- despite I have only ever fasted at most 4 1/2 days or so, and that length maybe 3 times in my whole life)... and this is hard.
I have a lot more to tell, but I have to do it in another post -- out of time for today. There's a lot to say. i am just in need of people to tell my story to, as openly and directly as possible. I am afraid, trying to do this, but I hope to really bring out things I want to assert about myself -- I want to say what it is I have really been thinking all these years, and how I've been silenced or told I was not suffering (from my overeating), when I was.
The last thing I want to say is: i basically understand myself as havigna very dmaged large intestine, damaged from my abusing it with my compulsive overeating... so I suffer when I step out of line even the slightest bit with food... so I have got to learn to live just very, very carefully... and people may have dismissed me because they could not imagine I could have been as damaged as I am. ... When I report my behavior it may seem like nothing, but it really does hurt me. I want to validate my emotional pain around it, too, since it hurts my dignity to overeat, or to eat when eating just isn't OK with me -- to eat more than I feel emotionally comfortable with. ... this is controversial, but I find I do well when I "push away the food" if it is not Ok with me for ANY reason - physical or emotional. I think this self-respect is really the only healing and I think practicing it is esential. i don't practice it too, too well, but I am trying to learn to do so; the trouble is the reaction I get when I state this as a goal -- people getting angry or trying to dominate me and saying I am a danger to myself... this is triggering for me and so painful... to be told that what I must do for my dignity makes me an unacceptable person, who should be controlled -- forcefed -- by others. This is really hard.
i do have to stop for now. i want to post more of my story later.
I am trying a fast now, just a day at a time, without tellign myself any goal of any number of days.
I am feeling pretty emotionally strained at the moment and don't know if this is going to make me abandon th fast -- but I wanted to change my life a bit and started the fast with that hope. I think I have to keep telling myself "just for today."
I am looking for a community to share my journey with.
I'm a competent, intelligent person from a privileged part of society and who was given an excellent formal education but who has been almost totally incapacitated by what I name compulsive overeating/food addiction.
I have been on 100% raw foods since April 24, 2008 -- one year and two months ago. For around 20 years -- since college -- I have held the 100% raw diet as a goal and for the past 13+ years stuck mostly to it but slipped off quite frequently, so my system was still periodically getting stuffed with processed food (often diet food, so the caloric impact was lower, which I do hold to have been a good decision; but still, the food was processed and therefore still let me in for a lot of mental and physical illness.. raw food is a lot gentler & also minimizes caloric impact if overeaten. Hard to eat a huge quantity of calories if you are eating raw. I must acknowledge the relief and benefit of being able to control my weight -- through just having certain rules for eating [basically, calorie counting] but I am just trying to avoid lying to myself and ignoring the fact that I still treat food as a drug, a thrill, a high... it is hard to explain.. and this thrill-seeking, high-impact eating invariably makes me "drunk" and unable to function; and then hung over). I knew I had to make the life choice to be all raw in order even to begin real healing.
I have fasted once a week (24 to 36 hours) for several years, knowing I need to learn to fast at greater lengths for the healing I need but not able to sustain fasts because of my severe emotional dependence on food (my "fix," which has come to be such a painful, misery-creating, physically, neurologically/mentally/emotionally, and spiritually agonizing habit).
I have suffered horribly in my life from depression and anxiety -- which have left me very dysfunctional. I very clearly understand the depression and anxiety to be directly caused (by by my out-of-control, or barely-controlled, but absolutely tormenting, compulsive overeating, which a commitment to a non-triggering (or, as non-triggering as I can manage) diet
I'm someone who has been interested in fasting for most of her life -- ever since I was a child, in a way, though I did not recognize or name my need as a need to fast, or my problem as one of "food addiction --" which I believe it is -- at the time.
When I was about three, I wrote several books, that is, I dictated stories to my mother and then illustrated them. One of these books is the very revealing story of a dog who "ate so many dog cookies he was not hungry for dinner." The dog instinctively then fasted for three days, getting relief from this process. I noted the dog got a bit thinner as he fasted, and I remember the line "and on the third day he was the thinnest of all [the days thus far]" ... I was focused, as our society tends to, fearfully, on the weight loss that occurs during fasting.... i think this is part of a fearfulness about fasting which I wish somehow to combat by writing about fasting, weight, my experiences. I notice a growing neurotic fear of thinness and a severe rejection of thinness in the media which seems to me to be a neurotic aspect of food addiction... I feel our society is more food addicted than anyone really realizes and has gotten over-fearful of thinness... I think this is just an interesting psychological aspect of being in a food-addicted state -- experiencing a terror of starvation or thinness. I thinkit's significant. i only pay attention to it in my own journey because I have got to fast and this is hard if people out in my environment are sure fasting leads immediately to death, or that thinness is somehow in itself dangerous -- the kind of thinness that may result from a longer fast such as I feel i need... I have been encouraged by reading Isabelle Moser (soilandhealth.com), who fasted "to completion" and braved this very thin state; and who prescribed and supervised fasting even for thin persons, and found it gave them healing, without endangering them. In trying to bring myself to fast at any length I combat a lot of terror (will my body stay sick forever, no matter how long I fast for??? and other anxious thoughts -- despite I have only ever fasted at most 4 1/2 days or so, and that length maybe 3 times in my whole life)... and this is hard.
I have a lot more to tell, but I have to do it in another post -- out of time for today. There's a lot to say. i am just in need of people to tell my story to, as openly and directly as possible. I am afraid, trying to do this, but I hope to really bring out things I want to assert about myself -- I want to say what it is I have really been thinking all these years, and how I've been silenced or told I was not suffering (from my overeating), when I was.
The last thing I want to say is: i basically understand myself as havigna very dmaged large intestine, damaged from my abusing it with my compulsive overeating... so I suffer when I step out of line even the slightest bit with food... so I have got to learn to live just very, very carefully... and people may have dismissed me because they could not imagine I could have been as damaged as I am. ... When I report my behavior it may seem like nothing, but it really does hurt me. I want to validate my emotional pain around it, too, since it hurts my dignity to overeat, or to eat when eating just isn't OK with me -- to eat more than I feel emotionally comfortable with. ... this is controversial, but I find I do well when I "push away the food" if it is not Ok with me for ANY reason - physical or emotional. I think this self-respect is really the only healing and I think practicing it is esential. i don't practice it too, too well, but I am trying to learn to do so; the trouble is the reaction I get when I state this as a goal -- people getting angry or trying to dominate me and saying I am a danger to myself... this is triggering for me and so painful... to be told that what I must do for my dignity makes me an unacceptable person, who should be controlled -- forcefed -- by others. This is really hard.
i do have to stop for now. i want to post more of my story later.
I am trying a fast now, just a day at a time, without tellign myself any goal of any number of days.
I am feeling pretty emotionally strained at the moment and don't know if this is going to make me abandon th fast -- but I wanted to change my life a bit and started the fast with that hope. I think I have to keep telling myself "just for today."