Confessions and realizations

[4forme]

It's been a while since I have posted here. I still lurk around to find inspiration and motivation to keep going and not give up though.

My story is long and not unlike many that I have read, which helps in a weird way. I have hopped on the bandwagon, and jumped off again, only to try and hop back on just to be dragged along trying desperately to hang on for dear life.

I have tried to stay raw sincerely starting "tomorrow" many times in recent weeks. I have thought alot about how I feel, the amazing benefits of being raw vs the aweful feelings of not being commited to raw.
The strange this is, lately I seem to have absolutely no will power, no connection to my hand when it brings something to my mouth! I will be great all morning and then when it comes time for lunch (or any given time-it doesn't matter) , just put something in my mouth, fully aware it's not raw, almost like I am screaming at myself from outside my body and watching my hand feed my mouth. Loving what I am eating and realizing I "blew it for yet one moe day". I am one of those All or Nothing kinda gals, whether I like it or not. One more thing I have wanted to change. So, if I am not doing well, I just continue not doing well. Yes, I know now that all I need to do is just pick myself up, brush off and do better next meal. Doesn't mater the time of day, I need to be fully aware and paying attention to what I eat, committed 100%, but I almost don't know how to do thay anymore.
I have dieted, had ED for so many yrs of my life, I guess I don't know how to make this a lifestyle. Even though it's been my life, or at least my desire for almost 3 yrs now. I eat salads litterally 3 times a day every day, my husband thinks I'm a rabbit! Green smoothies, even my kids love them now!! It's the snacks and exceptions lately, a little bottled dressing here, a little cheese there, chocolate cookie once, just to have a big bag of chips later and then before I know it, I am eating way more cooked than raw again.

I have so much head knowledge at this point, that it's sickening that I cannot apply it to my daily life. I feed my family of 5 (not including myself) "healthy" according to the rest of the world. Even got my very SAD eating DH off of milk!!! He is now drinking rice milk with the rest of them!! HUGE feat right there! But, he still sits and eat beef jerky right next to me, which is completely nauseating!
I have gone vegetarian completely, and that was easier than I thought. Before, when I would cheat, I would totally want meat! Not so anymore.
Now, it's cheese, omigoodness! I cannot live without it! Must be some nutrient I am not getting, or just a plain ol' addiction.
I have so many food intolerances, that when I try to make something to replace what I have been craving or cheating with, I end up with gas or other problems (sorry-tmi).
The other thing that gets me, is we never seem to have a good long peiod of time where I am free from temptation. It's either parties, or gatherings at the house or something and everything revolves around food!!! So, when I do start, I get scared all my efforts will go down the drain with the food at the gathering. We go to Penn for a long weeknd and graduation party/50th aniversary party and I am terrified I won't be able to stay strong, yet angain, and just be one more time I have to "start over".

My weight right now is the heaviest I have ever been. And the weird thing is, I am almost ok with it. Wanting to change only because I have no clothing to wear, not because of what people think of me, this is HUGE!!!
But I think this lack of motivation leads me to have no "stick-to-itiveness" with raw eating. I want to be lighter and free-er, but...........

So where to go from here? I feel great for actually admitting this to myself. Like I can't hide this anymore and I am now aware of what's holding me back, or at least that something is holding me back. So, I need to fight harder.
Last night I got rid of the cheese in my house. There are no tortilla chips (my other huge addiction) and the chocolate is still here, but I made a committment not to eat sugar-and i think i am cool with that, didn't have any at all yesterday despite the big bag of choc bits in the freezer!

I hope to be posting here more often, and reporting progress, instead of failure and discouragement. I hung up a pair of my favorite jeans and an awesome t-shirt that I can't wait to fit into, hopefully this will act as motivation. I was also thinking of signing up for the 30 day challenge, but I am afraid I won't make it.

Wow, this was longer than I thought. Thans for hangin in there.
Ok, Off for b'fast, the kiddos are getting restless and hungry. Day, here I come!

[Raw Angel Mom]

Writing this is huge and i feel that you have made a brake through.

I find that guilt is more toxic then the food itself or making excuses because it leads to feed the addiction more.

Now, you come to realize that you need to see the reality about certain foods.

You know our body is working so hard to keep us healthy, this isn't our body that make use ill but our mind.

Believe in you and only a small step at the time. Getting ride of the food that cause you addiction is amazing and be proud of you!

Make room for the good stuff (especially leafy greens and whole fruit/vegetable) and eliminate the bad stuff gradually. Or simply go cold turkey and try 100% raw for 30 days. Please consider to buy a DVD a diet for all reason. This will inspire you to stay away from dairy period. Also the China Study is something else to give you a wake up call. Allissa's dvd is so well done on how to preparre raw food.

Most of all, make sure to find a different alternative to deal with stress (deep breath, walk, a bath, nice music, calling a nice positive friend etc....)

Our body is so forgiving, we just need to give her/him a chance to self heal.

You will be ok, i can sense that you are ready to be healthy.

I send you love!

[snoops]

Cheese is my big downfall too. I don't believe it is something missing from your diet that causes you to crave it. It is a bad addiction. Cows milk has stuff in it to addict the baby cow to it so it will eat grow and be healthy. Cheese is just concentrated milk. I haven't had any for the past two weeks. Just try it for a couple days. I don't feel like I miss it now. So apparently the addiction goes away quickly after you stop eating it. Try to see it as a slab of fat on a cracker with NO redeeming health qualities at all. I would normally have eaten probably 1/2 a pound a week. That's over a pound I just saved myself.

You can do it too. Its a start. Now I am working on chips and crackers.

[4forme]

Thanks for the validation and encouragement. I really do feel like I have crossed a big line, and am ready since the realization of those things. Breakfast was completely satisfying, GS, even with making the boys english muffins. This would usually tempt me just smelling them. Nope.
My plan for lunch is a great big salad, as always. But, Since I have been wanting avocado, I will put that in there instead of cheese, since there in none!

I didn't realize that cheese itself is addicting! I have The China Study, must have missed that part in there. I will check out those dvd's, thanks for the recomendations. I am committed, and it feels different this time, thankfully. But, am just taking it one meal at a time, so as not to make it monumental in my mind, setting up for failure.

The next hurdle is to get the "fat" metality out of my mind, and focus on health instead.
Revell had an amazing post last week about being "Fit vs Fat". I actually tried thinking that way yesterday. It's really a great concept, and I want to apply that today, let's see if it works!

[Gaius]

You should fast. You are caring too much about eating. You should let your body have a day or two to clean itself out, and then go 100% raw.

[Raw Angel Mom]

It seems like you found the right formula for you! Good for you and follow your own compass.

It is so true that dairy is addictive. I was very confuse about this for so long thinking that i must needed it but i was wrong. Dairy poisonned me more then anything else.

Good for you for letting that go. Find out about how to make raw nut cheese (much easier then it looks) and also icecream. Frozen bananas make great icecream.

It is very confortable to do raw food. You do need to go through the healing of cravings but it won't last. If you could add green smoothies, it will help you to heal craving.

Don't be religious about your food either, focus first on getting comfortable with a permanent gradual healthy life style.

All is well!

[Moretta]

Welcome and good luck on your RAWNESS journey.

[D'vorah]

Opioids (Sound familiar? Opiates / Opuium?) exist in some foods, making them addictive. Dairy is one of them:

http://www.nutramed.com/eatingdisorders/addictivefoods.htm

Deborah

[tylerdurden]

We all have our burdens but something I’ve found is that simply wanting to change isn’t enough for most of us. Many of us want a lot of things but that isn‘t enough to make them happen. I’m a firm believer in hitting rock bottom. A lot of people are so scared to hit bottom that they float in the in between. Never crashing and burning but yet never truly being able to soar. You can’t half ass things or else you’ll just get mediocre results. As you said yourself you’ve been off and on when it comes to dieting and losing weights. Maybe before you start dieting again you really have to hit rock bottom. I know this sounds so counter productive but I really think you need to be fueled with an stoppable passion for results. You can either accept yourself and get the little satisfaction that comes from people acknowledging the tiny steps you take like being aware of your addiction for cheese or say no I need much more than that. Find the reasons to make the changes in your life essential not just voluntary. Find the reasons that will fuel your success. You said you are an all or nothing type of person prove it. Say I’m going to be at my grand children’s wedding. I’m going to be an inspiration to those around me. What ever your reason is find it. Take a long look in the mirror at yourself and your actions and settle for nothing less than what you need not just what you want. Don’t be afraid to hit bottom.

Cry
SCREAM
Get Angry
Get Passionate
Get Excited
GET MOTIVATED

Maybe you’ll find you’re happy just the way you are.
Maybe you’ll find who you are today is not who you’ll be tomorrow.

Remember the lower you fall the higher you’ll fly.
Remember this is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time.

[gritsnla]

That's why I love coming here even when I'm not doing good either. Very strong post Tyler.....just what I needed!

[4forme]

quote: We all have our burdens but something I’ve found is that simply wanting to change isn’t enough for most of us. Many of us want a lot of things but that isn‘t enough to make them happen. I’m a firm believer in hitting rock bottom. A lot of people are so scared to hit bottom that they float in the in between. Never crashing and burning but yet never truly being able to soar. You can’t half ass things or else you’ll just get mediocre results. As you said yourself you’ve been off and on when it comes to dieting and losing weights. Maybe before you start dieting again you really have to hit rock bottom. I know this sounds so counter productive but I really think you need to be fueled with an stoppable passion for results. You can either accept yourself and get the little satisfaction that comes from people acknowledging the tiny steps you take like being aware of your addiction for cheese or say no I need much more than that. Find the reasons to make the changes in your life essential not just voluntary. Find the reasons that will fuel your success. You said you are an all or nothing type of person prove it. Say I’m going to be at my grand children’s wedding. I’m going to be an inspiration to those around me. What ever your reason is find it. Take a long look in the mirror at yourself and your actions and settle for nothing less than what you need not just what you want. Don’t be afraid to hit bottom.

Cry
SCREAM
Get Angry
Get Passionate
Get Excited
GET MOTIVATED

Maybe you’ll find you’re happy just the way you are.
Maybe you’ll find who you are today is not who you’ll be tomorrow.

Remember the lower you fall the higher you’ll fly.
Remember this is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time. " end quote



Now this is exactly what I am needing! Amazing post, kicks butt!!
Only thing is it almost makes me feel as if I haven't hit rock bottom yet. This said cause I didn't get 100% today, and am now contemplating chocolate bits at the moment. Totally not eating them now that I read this though!

I am going to print this post out and read it several times/day for inspiration and a good kick in the pants when I am doubting. Now that i think of it, this really is bottom enough for me to really make a change!
I did really well, only things were bottled dressings on the salads and some unraw nuts and a few bites of chips. I ran out of the nut based "crackers" that were the sub for my salty need with the salad.

Thanks again for the support, I am so pumped now!!!

[spicyfull]

All MY Best to you..........

[artgirly4]

Not feeling it that you gotta "fight harder"....rather let go and give it all up. Look at it, love it, let it go.

Green smoothies will do all the "fight" for you. Make a comittment to them and make the most of your day, your morning al least, a green smoothie.


Get clear on what it is you want in your life and you will be empowered to do what it takes. Evey time you eat,ask if this is in harmony with what you want and a contribution to good health or taking away health.

Best in it all to you. YOU CAN BE ALL YOU WANT TO BE!!!

[pixelkatt]

Oh 4forme, I just wanted to let you know that this literally brought tears to my eyes. I feel like I could have written this myself. I am going through the exact same thing right now. And I am someone who was doing so well for awhile, and posting to others to keep going and never give up and right now I am really really struggling. I'm not going to give up, I know this is the only way for me to be truly healthy, yet like you I snack on something not raw (knowing full well it isn't good for me), but I still eat it and then I am upset with myself for it but figure that well since I messed up this day, might as well keep snacking, lol and then one thing leads to another and another and another.. and like I before I know it I'm eating more SAD than I am eating raw.. :(

Anyway, just wanted you to know that you are not alone. And it helps me to know that I am not alone either.. I am hoping this is just part of my journey and that someday I will be the person I envision myself to be.. Maybe we both should hop on the 30 day challenge. If you will give it a try I will too.. :)

[juliew]

That's why I love coming here even when I'm not doing good either. Very strong post Tyler.....just what I needed!

That's why I love coming here too! It reminds me I have support and that we are struggling with the same issues.

I always do awesome in the mornings, and can get by most of the day on juices, GS and coconut water feeling great, but then evening comes and its downhill...

Never give up though!:D

[lori ann]

Hey you are not alone and thanks for posting. I have a hard time with cheese also. It is like an addiction. I have gotten way off track lately and I always start tommorw also. I think what drives me the most nuts is that I know better. A lot of people that eat sad really don't have much of a clue or even really think about what they are putting in their bodies, but I do. I think a key to this is being prepared. I need to work on that.

So we can and will do this. I went to a vegan potluck tonight and I feel re-motivated and I am hoping it stays with me. Good luck to you :)

[4forme]

I think what drives me the most nuts is that I know better. A lot of people that eat sad really don't have much of a clue or even really think about what they are putting in their bodies, but I do. I think a key to this is being prepared. I need to work on that.


This really drives me crazy as well! I think that's why I get so dissapointed with myself. One day at a time. And planning is key as well.
I was doing really well for a few days, really proud of myself. Then, I started planning for our family reunion this weekend. I got so disapointed and actually scared about have little to no fruit/veg, let alone raw! I got really sick and vomitted in the beginning when I was almost 100% and then had some tortilla chips! Can't imagine going through that again.

So, needless to say, not doing great again. I am bringing some fruit and veg for myself, and will just do my best. When I get back will try even harder, but I refuse to say "tomorrow............."

Thanks for the support!