Please settle a dispute...

[Autumn]

I'm sure you've all heard of random acts of kindness. Well, I noticed a long time ago that when one compliments a stranger, it not only makes the stranger feel good, it makes the one doing the complimenting feel good too. In turn, each of these people is nicer to the next person they come in contact with. Have you ever complimented a cashier on their earrings, blouse, how quickly they rang up your stuff, how knowledgable they are about the products, etc? As you walk to the door, you can hear the pleasure in their voice as they wait on the next person.

Many times when I approach a sales counter, the cashier is harried, miserable, rushed, slow, tired, etc. I've noticed that a little compliment really perks up their spirits. It helps me too, to be nice and to release a lot of deep-seeded anger in me.

However, my husband is now accusing me of being insincere. Recently, at a register, I said to the frustrated looking cashier, "That's a very pretty blouse." She immediately perked up and smiled and said, "Oh thank you. I got this with my sister in Birmingham." I said, "Well it's very nice and a great color on you." I swear this woman was beaming.

Outside, my husband said, "Did you really like that blouse?" I said, "It wasn't really my style, but what difference does that make?" He accused me of being fake to the cashier. I said, "If I made her feel better and smile, who cares if I loved it or not? I did look nice on her, even if it's not something I'd pick out for myself." He said that being complimentary doesn't count if you really don't mean it. I claim that the thought behind the compliment is what is important. Kind of like when I tell the old man across the street, "Hey don't you look spiffy in your new shoes!" They are are horrible orthopedics, but are all white and shiny and he is proud of them.

So, my question is, is it wrong to tell someone you like their earrings just to see them smile? Or is it being insincere? My heart is in the right place, I do love to make people smile and laugh. When I'm with friends, I don't have to "make up" compliments-I know them well enough to compliment them on many things, but with strangers I have to go with what I see in front of me. Or should I just not bother at all?

[Revvell]

Go for it. You're brightening up someone's day. Just be aware that many have a hard time receiving compliments. It's not personal so just go about being your loving self. You have a gift not many have or are willing to share.



:cool:

[SedonaSun]

I'm with you, Autumn. I think the heart has a lot to do with it and you're right, even if you wouldn't wear a particular piece of clothing, that doesn't mean it's not a pretty color or a pretty style or matching their eyes or even looking awesome on them. I see lots of awesome clothes that I would never consider wearing for a variety of reasons.

But you're not complimenting and then as soon as you're outside saying, "OMG, did you SEE that ugly thing, how could she have dared to wear that?" I think that's where the condidtion of your heart comes in. Are you really trying to brighten their day or are you making fun of them when you're out of earshot, you know?

That reminds me of an Art 100 teacher I had once. One guy in the class clearly did not need to be in there -- he was super talented (and didn't get an A, coincidentally enough, because he was too cocky about his talent and wouldn't follow the directions. But anyhow...) but the rest of us were clearly a good fit for a beginning art class. For every assignment, we shared with the class and she went around the room and critiqued every one of them. No matter how ugly some were -- and some were! -- she ALWAYS found at least one good thing about every piece we did. I don't know if she stretched her sincerity at times, but she would say of a flat 2-dimensional portrait, maybe something about the choice of color or the shape of the eyes -- something specific -- it wasn't just "oh, that's good, oh, that's good too".

So, even if I believed she was reaching for a compliment once in a while, it was motivational and I still remember that about her even now, some 15 years later.

She may not have liked our work, and wouldn't have displayed it in her house, but her compliments were coming from a good heart and have lasted all these years.

So I'm with Revvell... Go for it! :p

[Mommax4]

My wonderful aunt always finds one thing nice about anybody she comes in contact with. It wasn't until I took a class on how to actually take compliments that I understood her doing this. I use to have a horrible horrible time taking compliments.

I say Keep Up The Good Work!! :)

[sweetgoddess]

Giving someone Divine love, which is what you are doing, is a beautiful gift Autumn. :p

[rawpriestess]

Autumn,

I think what you are doing is terrific.

I too compliment people, not because I want to be treated better, or because I want anything at all.

I simply think it is a kind and loving thing to do.

You told the cashier that her blouse was nice on her, I'm sure it was.

You told the old man across the street his new shoes looked spifey, I'm sure they did.

Everyone loves shiny new shoes, and pretty colorful new bouses, even if they aren't something we would personally wear, it is nice to say how clean, or neat, or tidy, something is.

I think one of the nicest most loving things anyone can do is to go out of their way to be kind to someone else, for no apparant reason,
and that, my friend is what you are doing.

And in my house the woman is ALWAYS RIGHT, no matter what!!!

hey, did I ever tell you what beautiful hair you have?

[Essensual]

Autumn,

Keep sharing the love.!You didn't say it looked nice on you...you said it looked nice on her. To me that was sincere.

I think your husband's concern is that may question the sincerity or motive for any compliments that you were to pay him. Assure him that he knows you better than that... ;)

[Punky]

I'm with you Autumn,
I think you are being sincere; you don't have to want a blouse or personally
like something to give a nice compliment and mean it.
Your taking time out in a hurried world to acknowledge another soul.
That's a wonderful thing! Don't change...
My husband does this on occassion; at a restaurant our host looked
kinda blah when we arrived...my husband struke up a small conversation
with him and he perked right up and gave us a better table automatically...
not that it was our intention..but whenever we come in now he remembers
us and his attitude changes from indifferent to cheerful.
I think that my hubby noticed him *as a person*, instead of an employee
made a difference.

[simple berry]

IMHO, best to give compliments that are true, so as not to put 'bad data' in a human mind.

When I get sweet-talked it sometimes makes me more resentful than appreciative or uplifted, because then I feel I really wasn't seen as a person. Of course i've been mis-seen Nicely, which is a plus, but not necessarily what we're all looking for.

Sometimes in the same situation (store checkout line) I can't find anything I like to compliment -- that makes me take a step backwards out of my head space, because it means I'm stuck in judgment-self. And if the moment isn't right for a short conversation, after a few minutes of getting out of my typical space, I can find something to appreciate. Then, it feels real all around.

Hope that makes sense. Your intention is beautiful!

[ebonysea7]

I agree with Space. People can sense when a compliment it insincere; when you're just doing it to get something from the person. I compliment people every day on how they look, how they handled a situation at work, anything that warrants mentioning. It makes me feel good to make others feel good.

/gfj

[Sharon in Colorado]

I think that's great Autumn! You really brightened someone's day.

But wouldn't it be scary if the next time you came to the store the cashier handed you a pretty wrapped up box, and when you got to your car and opened it, it was that exact same shirt in your size? Maybe you could wear it in front of your hubby! LOL.

[swiddweas]

As long as you are always sincere in your compliments, then I think you are sending love.


people can tell if you are sincere or if you are just flattering them to get something back. People are smart. As long as it's coming from your heart and you truly mean it to help another, that is just so beautiful. Your DH is probably trying to warn you against flattery, which is deadly. He was probably trying to help in case you were not aware of it, do you know what I mean? listen to your heart,let the compliment pass through your conscience before you actually say it. If you have a good feeling about it after it has passed through your hearts' filter, then say it! Just always be on the lookout for that demon called flattery.

You have a beautiful loving spirit. Listen to it.

[Autumn]

Thank you everyone for your replies! I know I can always count on the people here! Hubby got his nose out of joint for being outvoted. What a baaaaaaby! Haha! :D

[kiwilime]

I think the fact that you were sincere and just wanted to make someone else feel good makes what you did really sweet!

[RawTruth]

I'll often say to an abrupt or harried-looking cashier something like You work so hard. I don't think I could do your job. or Looks like it's been quite a day. I bet you'll be glad when it's over.. They always look up, meet my eyes, and it opens up a mini-conversation. I'm truly sympathetic and I really do mean it, and I think they pick up on that. I'm smiling and they usually end up smiling, too, or at least they feel lighter. I talk to most everyone I encounter in public, anyway, so it's natural for me, and I really do think that making true contact with other human beings is one of our most basic needs and, also, a higher calling.

So ... I think that's what you're doing, too, Autumn, and it's sure needed in this world of casual strangers.

[deedub]

I think its all about energy. If it is loving I don't think it matters what one says, the other person will pick up on the loving vibration and start to vibe on a higher level (be happier). The fact the the cashier was uplifted by your compliment says to me that it was sincere. Right on Autumn.

[Autumn]

I'm glad we're all in agreeance. :D

Share the love, people. *looking for flowers to put in my hair*

[RawTruth]

... agreeance. I love this word, Autumn!!

[Autumn]

I think it should be brought back to current English. Why do we drop words in modern-day vernacular? Such a shame. Who wants to throw out words? :D

[rawgrrl]

One more vote for your husband.

I'd prefer a compliment that was really sincere, not just something to make me feel good.

I don't see why you can't do both. It might be a little more challenging to find something to say that you actually believe and feel that will perk someone's mood up.

I think to say the thing you think they'll respond to teaches you the wrong lesson.

[rawpriestess]

Every action is a "loving embrace" or a "cry for help",

I think you were lovingly embracing her.

Keep up the beautiful words Autumn.

[Autumn]

<<One more vote for your husband.

I'd prefer a compliment that was really sincere, not just something to make me feel good.

I don't see why you can't do both. It might be a little more challenging to find something to say that you actually believe and feel that will perk someone's mood up.

I think to say the thing you think they'll respond to teaches you the wrong lesson.>>

But see my intention was completely sincere. I didn't do it for *me*. But I do think when you make someone happy, you feel happy as well. It's not a conscious thing, it just happens. And I *did* think the blouse looked nice on her. I didn't stand there debating whether I *truly* liked it or not (for myself) before I said something. It struck me as attractive on her, she looked like she needed a lift, so I said it. :D

[Sharon in Colorado]

You can always say:

"I just love the way the steam is escaping from your ears right now. It really suits you"

"Wow the way you check out those groceries, guessing the codes and getting them right only half the time is so couragous! I sure wish I was as brave as you are!"

"Oh my, where did you get those bags under your eyes? They are really something! I must have them! Gucci?"

"Your eyeballs look especially endearing when they pop out like that, as well as the vein in your forehead"

"When you reach over the check stand and grab me by my shirt it really sends chills up my spine. You truly have a knack for this!"

[Autumn]

Holy Moly. LMAO!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D

[sweetgoddess]

hahaha Sharon! :D

Autumn~ giving someone love, and being kind are never wrong. I dont know how soul wanting to soothe another soul could ever give the wrong lesson.
The lesson we are here to learn IS how to give love. Divine, unselfish love like you did. You have to reach people on their level, this is a huge life lesson. And that is what you did. Telling her she has a nice blouse IS true for her, or she wouldnt have chosen to wear it. So as a gift of love, you are telling her her truth, reaching her on her level. Do youknow how special that is? How spiritual? You are so beautiful!

Hugs~

[rawgrrl]

"You look awful."

I was sorry as soon as I said it, sorry as I watched her face fall, just sorry, sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to say it. Couldn't believe I said it.

But here we were with the words said between us. Did not know the person. So I couldn't rely on the basis of friendship to provide cover.

You know, when you try to fix such situations, it just gets worse. There isn't the soap invented that cleans foot-in-mouth. But the look on her face was so bad, I ... well, I put the foot in further, trying to clean up the mess. I told her she just looked so stressed, so worried and harried.

And maybe, god bless her, she was trying to make me feel better, so she didn't take offense. Or maybe, sometimes, your words hit the wound like an arrow hitting the center of the target, that something just naturally shifts. In any case, she took a breath, I could feel the energy inside her shift, and she started talking. Really talking. About what had her looking so harried. Tentatively at first, but then with real conviction, truth and honesty like you talk to a friend. And we had a conversation like some of the deep conversations you see on Oprah.

I was shocked. Mentally, my jaw had dropped and if you can visualize an actor furiously turning the pages of a script, desparately trying to find where his place is, you can picture my state of mind. Wait a minute, I thought, this is not in the the script.

But here we were having a real conversation.

We are trained so early to ... fake it. I was listening to a radio show some time ago. The show was meant for kids. The teacher was reading a story about a birthday party in which the hostess mommy only had chocolate and vanilla ice cream, but not strawberry. And the kids were being taught consideration. So you didn't want to just blurt out that the strawberry ice cream was missing because it might hurt the mommy's feelings.

It reminded me of what I was taught in school (so very, very long ago). We are taught, and especially girls, not to go there. And most of us don't.

After that real conversation which came about only because I put my foot in mouth, I got so scared by the results of my accident that for the next few months, I stuck strictly to the weather and kept my societal face screwed on tightly. (Why do we do that? Why do we get such great success and then RUN from it? Is it because we'd have to reorder our entire universe? I mean, to continue venturing in this direction is unknown and even though this went great ... who knows what lurks further? Like Luke in Star Wars bellyaching about how he wants to go fly, along comes Ben saying, hey, let's go, and Luke starts talking like his uncle. I don't know what it is, but I had so many conversations about the weather I disgusted myself.)

After a few months, I was in another situation where I was in one of those weird exchanges where you can feel the energy of what you want to say/ask and what's polite to say/ask. And I just decided to go for it. And, while it was as fantastically great as the first conversation, it was pretty good.

I've been experimenting more and more since then. The results -- I must warn you -- are not always great. Some people really prefer to talk about the weather and keep the conversation there. And that's okay. I don't mind mining for gold and coming up with mica if it means I hit gold most of the time. Or even some of the time. To be honest, I really can't tell you how often I hit gold. I've stopped counting and keeping track. Which makes me think that the results must be positive overall because otherwise I would have ceased and desisted by now.

If there's an opportunity to speak honestly, I take it more often now. Even sometimes when there isn't. I risk more now. The returns are better than the stock market, that I can say.

I want to be ... I want to say nice things like if you're enjoying this and see only good things from giving compliments then please continue and don't listen to me or your husband. There's that blankety-blank training again, kicking in almost automatically.

And I find that's not what I want to say at all. I want to say, Autumn, take a chance on saying something you really feel. Even phrasing it so that it's truthful changes things. You don't get a pat on your head for being less than yourself that way. You get a pat on your head for presenting the entirely wonderful person you are, you know?

Okay. End of lecture. Thanks for listening.

[Autumn]

I appreciate everyone's responses. I thought I'd throw another story in the mix to debate and see who thinks I did the right thing and who thinks I'm an evil, vicious liar. :rolleyes:

Years ago I rode the train to school. A woman sat next to me and was very jumpy and nervous. She asked if I had a mint. I did, and gave it to her. She then confided that she was on her way to a big interview. She said she felt she was perfect for the job, but always did poorly in interviews. She said she hoped she looked okay, since she had tried on and discarded several outfits that morning.

I looked at her. The color of her suit was very unbecoming. It clashed with her skin tone and hair and made her look very sallow. She was waiting for my assessment, so I said she looked fantastic and that the suit was the perfect choice. We got off the train at the same stop and she walked away with her head high, long strides, full of confidence.

About a month later she was on the same train and I asked her if she got the job. She did. I imagine she went into that interview feeling great, exuding confidence and wow'd them at the interview. She may have gotten the job anyway, but what would have happened if I told her the suit wasn't her best color? Is absolute honesty with a stranger always the best route?

[sport]

I hope that that lady did not then go out and buy a complete wardrobe in that color. I would be concerned where a misstruth caused someone to change their future actions. I think that under the circumstances you were in you did the correct thing and each situation is different but if I can not tell the truth I prefer to say nothing.

[sweetgoddess]

Autumn, the woman wasnt really asking, "is my appearance ok, is my outfit cool enough", she was asking, " Am I ok? Am I accepted, will I be judged, am I worthy, will I be rejected?"

You didnt really tell her " your suit is the perfect color ", you told her, "you are perfect, you are so worthy you are accepted and you will not be judged"

Somewhere deep inside of you, you understand that. Amazing.

Hugs~

[Sharon in Colorado]

I looked at her. The color of her suit was very unbecoming. It clashed with her skin tone and hair and made her look very sallow. She was waiting for my assessment, so I said she looked fantastic and that the suit was the perfect choice. We got off the train at the same stop and she walked away with her head high, long strides, full of confidence....

About a month later she was on the same train and I asked her if she got the job. She did. I imagine she went into that interview feeling great, exuding confidence and wow'd them at the interview.

Now doesn't this go to show that no matter how crappy we may appear, how bad our clothes can look, or how bad it could look with our skin, that all we need is confidence and piece of mind and people never notice all the creepiness about us!

[Sharon in Colorado]

I hope that that lady did not then go out and buy a complete wardrobe in that color.

However Autumn told her that she looked fantastic and the suit was the perfect choice, not that the color suited her, correct?

[rawpriestess]

Autumn,

It is ALWAYS the "right thing to do" when giving someone a compliment, and making their day.

The color of the suit meant nothing, the cut, the fit, the fact that she actually wore a suit to an interview, this was all perfect for HER to get the job.

[Sweet lips]

Autumn,

I think you did wonderful in that situation - you, as SweetGoddess said, made her feel special! That is what people want - is to feel special just for a moment sometimes. Also, feel special yourself, as you were chosen that day for her to share with you.

There is an old proverb with a lot of wisdom. It says, "The tongue has the power of life and death, and whoever loves it will eat its fruit."

It is so true. What we say has the ability to create situations, emotions, and thoughts in others. A kind word helps people, negative words hurt - sometimes for a very long time.

So when I read this post, I am encouraged that you thought enough to help a person out by sending some kind words toward that person - we all would be better served and of service if we can become good Samaritan.

Since we never know why a person is the way they are when we have an encounter with them, it may be the difference in the kind word, thought or deed to give them hope.

I have the ability to have a very sharp witted tongue when I choose too. I developed it as a way to combat some self esteem issues and inferiority complex I had garnered. But one day some one said to me, the pain you have is from within, brought on by source from outside. The person was very kind and knew immediatley some things about me, and it helped me so much. Now, I think about things before I say them and work very hard to not get caught up when something is said to me that could dredge up those old feelings, and you know what it works! So I smile, and speak with kindness, as someone once did to help me. Keep it up Autumn - you ain't doing bad at all!

[rawpriestess]

I have the ability to slice people to ribbons with my words.

I also have the ability to help encourage, uplift and give love with my words.

Given the two, I choose the kinder path, the more giving response and the most loveing words.

I will always remember certain things in my life, things were said to me, some nice, some not-so-nice. They ALL had an impact on who I choose to be today.

Knowing that "sicks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me" isn't at all true, I choose to believe that every remark is "a call for help" or a "loving embrace" and I choose to lovingly embrace everyone I come in contact with.

Unless, of course, they piss me off. LOL Just kidding. Thought I'd wake you up a little.

Actually, when someone is being cruel or mean to me, I think I am the most kind, as can you imagine living in their mind? I can't, so I know they need as much love and kindness as they can accept.

Besides, the best way to get back at someone who is being mean to you, is to be nice to them.

So, I say, always choose kindness as the ONLY way to communicate with everyone.

Blessings to you Autumn, for being so sweet and kind to so many people, I know you will get wings for these actions, you angel you.

[rawgrrl]

Sounds like making others feel good is very important to you.

[Ariannah]

This thread has reinforced in my mind a concept which I hold very dear. Thank you for the reminder of how to be to all people.